Now He’s Crazy, Now He’s Not, Now He’s Crazy…

I’m not saying Arvind Kejriwal is honest, but every time he fights corruption, Akhilesh Yadav’s nose grows an inch.  But wait – six seconds have passed since that previous statement, which means that Kejriwal is now a clueless dharna fetishist who’s just one Che T-shirt away from hawking anarchy. This kind of flip-flop pretty much sums every discussion about the Aam Aadmi Party this week, as they stood accused of everything from racism and sexism to water-boarding old ladies for fun.

People aren’t being able to make up their minds about the AAP, as opposed to their rivals who are instantly described as <insert nasty spitting sound here> (Fun fact: When somebody spits in Modi’s Gujarat, the saliva gets recycled and diverted to the Rann of Kutch for rain dances.)

Here’s a quick rundown of the circus that sullied the AAP’s honeymoon period this week. For best results, imagine it being narrated in Yogendra Yadav’s dulcet tones:

The Delhi law minister, Somnath Batman, swooped down on a drug and prostitution racket in South Delhi, and recovered five kilos of incriminating video evidence against himself. Somnath Bharti was accused of leading a mob that allegedly harassed and assaulted four African women, one of whom later identified him in a court of law. In return, Bharti also identified the woman as being Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama, Will Smith and Vinod Kambli. (Bharti was last seen at a multiplex showing Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom, wherein he tried to handcuff the screen whenever Idris Elba came on.)

Kejriwal then launched a dharna to bring the Delhi police under the ambit of the CM’s office, as opposed to its current boss which is a piece of paper with Gandhiji’s photo on it. The Congress and the BJP took the moral high ground by harping on about proper constitutional process. This was followed by a discourse on feminism by Professor Emeritus Yo Yo Honey Singh.

Kejriwal withdrew the protest after an overnight stay outside Rail Bhavan, which was disappointing, because I quite enjoyed that visual of him wrapped up in a blue-yellow blanket, looking like the world’s most colourful bhuna roll.

Senior AAP member and poet Kumar Vishwas also received major hate for some racist and sexist jokes about Malayali nurses that he’d made at a stand-up show in 2009. The jokes said something to the effect of, “Mallu nurses are so dark and cosmetically challenged that I’m happy to call them ‘sister’.” This is funny because it comes from Kumar Vishwas – a guy who looks like Raju Srivastava took a bath. More than offensive, it’s trite and unoriginal, which is really the worst crime a joke can commit. Vishwas did apologise later, and apparently said that he has nothing against dark women and that he’d totally sleep with them as a goodwill gesture.

Then Chetan Bhagat jumped into the fray, describing the AAP as the item girl of Indian politics, a title previously held by Rahul Baba. Ever since he made that comparison, I can’t help but imagine a bunch of swarthy guys showering Kejriwal with notes, and then he stops them and asks for cheques instead, complete with a PAN number and a proof of income attested by Raghuram Rajan.

Sensing that the level of political discourse was slipping, Home Minister Sushil Kumar Shinde stepped in to describe Kejriwal as a “yeda mukhyamantri”. Yes, we’re calling each other ‘yeda’ now. What is this – a David Dhawan film? What next – referring to the telecom minister as Pappu Pager? Of course, David Dhawan films are way more logical than the Indian political scenario. For example, Haseena Maan Jaayegi makes more sense than a Manish Tiwari speech. (Haseena Maan Jaayegi is also the motto of the ruling party.)

But despite this fiasco of a week, there’s still hope for the AAP. All they have to do is uplift the poor, boost investments, support industry, revive the economy, foster communal harmony, root out corruption, usher in police reforms and most importantly,  get Whatsapp to drop the ‘Last Seen At’ feature. It doesn’t sound difficult at all, so let’s hound them about everything until it’s done. And then we can have a party. Just don’t invite Somnath Bharti.

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28 responses to “Now He’s Crazy, Now He’s Not, Now He’s Crazy…

  1. You can totally dig Muffler Man in a Che Guevara t-shirt, the icon of thousands of politically aware Delhiites, who don’t have the slightest clue of whether Che Guevara is a Cuban cigar or French slang for, “Modi is the last Airbender”.

    Err, what I mean to say is, great article.

  2. And once again, you nail it 🙂
    Awesome as ever.

  3. 😀 Good post! And your title sums up the current circus that is going on.

  4. The piece of paper bit really got me laughing. But I wish you’d thrown the real item girl Ms.Sawant into the fray too, that thing was ridiculous!

  5. Protip: you can already turn off the “Last Seen At” in WhatsApp. ;). Enjoy!!

  6. Whatsapp last seen at can be turned off but our snooping brains also want to know what time someone was online as well.. Overall fun reading esp the Raju srivasta part… seriously good one.

  7. ( ^_^)/*****

    Here you go sir, you dropped these.

  8. Get Whatsapp to drop their Last Seen at feature!
    Ahahhahahhahha!
    Totally with you on that. I will vote for ANYONE who does this. ANYONE!
    Thank you for writing this. Loved reading. 🙂

  9. Guess you (Ashish) were so pre-occupied with the Filmfare awards that you had to outsource your writing.

  10. THUMBS UP but you went easy on Chetan Bhagat.

  11. referring to the telecom minister as Pappu Pager…..hahahahahaaaaa!!! 😀

  12. Superb piece!! Loved every inch of it.

  13. If they can drop the “last seen at” feature, they have secured my vote for sure 🙂 Loved it!

  14. The day I disagree with a post of yours, I’ll go into shock. Keep them coming.

  15. This is as funny as Cyrus Brocha’s talk show.

  16. You can disable the “last seen at” feature in Whatsapp! 😀 😛

  17. Siddharth Muzumdar

    This is as hilarious as it can ever get…truly fantastic !!!

  18. Haha…..really laughed out loud on this one especially “then he stops them and asks for cheques instead, complete with a PAN number and a proof of income attested by Raghuram Rajan.”………Really really good…

  19. Haha…..really laughed out loud on this one especially the one about cheques with PAN and attestation by Raghuram………Really really good…

  20. ………waiting for your take on TimesNow Interview of Shehzada……!!!!! Hats off for your writeups 🙂

  21. Awesome.

  22. I’m reblogging it. Thanks for hats-off entertainment and insight.

  23. “..like Raju Srivastav took a bath” was hilarious! But I took slight offense for Gajodhar bhaiyya 😛

  24. Reblogged this on prateekkhamesra and commented:
    ROFL…

  25. Whatsapp “Last seen At” part is now a task completed…

  26. ” When somebody spits in Modi’s Gujarat, the saliva gets recycled and diverted to the Rann of Kutch for rain dances.”! That is so hilarious!
    Hahaha just fell off the chair laughing!

  27. Although i was smiling throughout the article but that one paragraph about Kumar Vishwas was funnier than the sight of a cat farting and trying to get away with it

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