Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Maruti!

I’m not saying that the world is actively trying to make me feel old, but they recently phased out the Maruti 800, and this makes we want to go drown my nostalgia in a bottle of Goldspot. The last 800 was sent off from the Gurgaon plant with much fanfare, and understandably so, given that it’s an integral part of the Indian success story, along with liberalisation and Baba Sehgal. (The colour of the last model is officially called ‘Firebrick Red’, which is like regular red, but with a coating of MBA drool.)

Before the advent of the 800, Indian roads were ruled by the Ambassador, which was the size of a 3BHK and also handled like one. Then came the Maruti 800, which was the size of a 3BHK in Bombay.  It was touted as the go-to vehicle for small families, and was brought to India by Sanjay Gandhi, a man known for being a fan of small families. The first sale was a pretty big deal, and involved an elaborate ceremony wherein the then Prime Minister, Indira Gandhi, handed over the keys to one Mr. Harpal Singh from Delhi. This happened on 14th December, 1983, at 3 p.m. By 3.02 p.m, there were six woofers on the car, along with one bartender who lived in the boot.

The 800 will remain Maruti’s most iconic car for years to come, because it was the first car for many Indians, and also because a lot of their other cars have the appeal of jaundice. Take, for example, the Omni, which boasts of a great minimalist design, in the sense that your knees double up as crumple zones and the airbags are your lungs. Then there was the A-Star, which was great if you wanted to drive a frog, and the Swift Dzire, which looked like the Swift after a session with Anushka Sharma’s plastic surgeon.

My family didn’t own an 800 when everyone was going nuts about it, but eventually, we did manage to buy a Zen. This was a big deal for my parents, especially for my father, because it was his first car, which meant that he treated it with the kind of respect usually reserved for prophets of major religions. Thankfully, this did not stop him from teaching me how to drive even though I was technically thirteen. I jumped at the offer, not realising that there was a huge difference between learning to drive at a motor school, and learning to drive from your father. This is what it’s like at a motor school:

Instructor: Turn key in ignition.

Student: *turns key*

Instructor: Arey wah you are ekdum Michael Shoemaker give 500 rupiss take license!

Student: But –

Instructor: Give 1000 more, and take MiG-29 license also.

And this is what it’s like when you learn from your father:

Father: Mirror alignment off by six degrees. 3 microsecond delay in clutch release. If you were on the highway, you’d have killed at least eight people by now.

Me: I don’t think that’s –

Father: THIS IS NOT A JOKE THIS IS SERIOUS TU ROADIE BANEGA SAALE???

Me: *develops new-found love for walking*

After learning the basics at 13, I had to sit back and watch my first set of wheels be used for exciting things like carrying bags of aloo and bhindi. But as soon as I turned 18, my parents allowed me to use the car, because – and I say this with the utmost love and respect – they were insane. Seriously, what kind of normal person hands over the control of a two-ton missile to a teenager? We’re wired to do stupid things. For example, when I was only permitted to drive “within the colony”, a friend and I sneaked out and drove to Pune simply because we knew of a bar there that served nice beer. Yup, I drove almost 400 kilometres for a beer. Then there were the countless races and attempts at drifting contests, where the only safety precaution was, “Finish your beer before you start.” (NOTE TO YOUNG READERS: I was stupid and lucky. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever do this. It will most certainly kill you, which will suck because your parents will never trust you with the car again.)

My first car is still around and it’s still functional, just like so many 800s around the country. If you take away the nostalgia, you see those cars for what they really were: little tin-pots with no airbags, no Bluetooth, no power steering, no power windows… damn, those were good cars. And they taught me the most important lesson of all: Never have kids.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 23rd Feb 2014.)

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26 responses to “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Maruti!

  1. Change your name to Ashish Clarkson this very instant.

  2. chaitanya aggarwal

    My first joy of this Sunday was gmail notification “Ashish Shakya New Post”. Thanks for putting words brilliantly to my exact same sentiments. When I was 13, I used to get to touch the steering wheel and steer within my colony while my dad used to operate the clutch and gas in our first 800. Fond memories.

  3. Aaah nostalgia…..also, the ‘learning to drive from dad’ is truly the way you described….*shudders due to flashbacks*
    Lovely post, as usual…

  4. Cute. 🙂

  5. 90’s cars were the best cars ! Now people buy these shitty Hyundais with no soul, its criminal.

  6. ‘TU ROADIE BANEGA SAALE?!’ Hahaha good one!
    I agree totally with the nostalgia part. But even though they’re no longer making those anymore, ‘Eet eez steel in aavar hart!’ XD

  7. My parents did buy that brick red maruti (let’s not forgot the all so important “Suzuki” bit) in 1986. They still have it (in fully functioning order), perpetually tucked in between other suvs and sedans and whathaveyou that come and go but this one, affectionately and unimaginatively christened “the red car” remains. Can’t imagine my parents’ home w/o it. Sigh.

  8. lol…….guru fatafati….:-)

  9. I remember the times when driving around in a Maruti gave you ganster-like fame. General consensus was if you drive a Maruti, you are a rich brat who can do no good!

  10. Amen. I hope Anushka sharma reads this.

  11. Took me a full 2 minutes to stop laughing and get past “TU ROADIES BANEGA SAALE”

  12. Awesome! Simply awesome, had me laughing throughout!!

  13. Simply awesome !!

  14. Hi.. Great writing as always. Can we have something on our pepper spraying/ stripping/ slapping MP’s.. Some humor is needed to dilute the shame 🙂

    On Sunday, February 23, 2014, Ashish Shakya wrote:

    >

  15. Vinod S Muzumdar

    A laugh-riot requiem for the humble Maruti-800, with all the oft-admired signature humour of Ashish. Hats off, AS…would suggest you come up next with an ode to the INS Vikrant…!!!

  16. (Reads) “THIS IS NOT A JOKE THIS IS SERIOUS TU ROADIE BANEGA SAALE???”
    (ROFL. Reaches out for the like button, and hopes your father _actually_ said that to you.)

    It would be so cool if this was not limited to a hilarious parallel universe.

  17. Circa 1990 upgrade amby to uncle’s Maruti, smooth as butter pedals, fender bender against nearest wall. Still haven’t made amends 24 years hence. Aha good old nineties…

  18. Tu roadie banega Saale? Couldnt control to ROFL over this line… Your roadie and melody hai chocolaty references are evergreen 🙂

  19. We used to have a Maruti 800 bought in 1998. Sold it off 2 years ago in exchange for in your own words a Swift Dzire, “which looked like the Swift after a session with Anushka Sharma’s plastic surgeon.” I still miss my 800 despite the fact, Iam loving the DZire. 🙂

  20. LOL, you should try stand up comedy.

  21. Yours folks must be minted to give you fuel money to drive 400 kms..and also money to feast on beer

  22. Instructor: Arey wah you are ekdum Michael Shoemaker give 500 rupiss take license!

    Student: But –

    Instructor: Give 1000 more, and take MiG-29 license also.

    REALLY..Where..What world

  23. How awesome can one get! Great Ashish!

  24. 😀 Hilarious.
    You forgot the FIAT with the steering-wheel gear thing though – the only car in the world which combines the joyous experiences of driving and Greco-Roman wrestling.

  25. So, so agree with the “learning from dad” bit. I went through those feelings while learning a two-wheeler from him. I almost thought that I will never be able to get hold of one. Learning from that experience, I ended up seeking a friend’s help for four-wheeler driving.

  26. You are one insanely awesome person!!! I cannot stop tripping over all your blogs. Simply fabulous… Keep them coming!

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