In moments of solitude, my mind is often flooded with thoughts about the past – thoughts such as “I shouldn’t have eaten the entire 14-inch pizza before sitting down to write.” But the very fact that you’re reading this article establishes an undeniable truth, i.e the pygmy slave who lives under my cupboard and writes my articles is bloody efficient.
Anyway, let’s move on to more important topics, such as Jessica Alba.(I can already see a bunch of people rolling their eyes, thinking “Oh there he goes again, writing inane stuff about hot chicks that will eventually lead to a bunch of beer jokes, degenerate puns and sexual innuendos.” Yes I get that a lot, and I’d just like to say that this article is of a scientific nature…with sexual innuendos coming up a few paragraphs later. So hold your horses, yeah?)
Back to Jessica Alba. You might have come across a recent report in the Times Of India, which said that mathematicians at Cambridge – and this is true – have proved that Jessica Alba’s wiggle is the sexiest of them all.
A wiggle, in case you didn’t know, is the sashaying of women’s hips as they walk ‘the walk’. You know which walk I’m talking about – the same one that female models use while on the ramp, until a wardrobe malfunction reveals that they’re just a bunch of really thin guys.
The study was commissioned by a women’s hair removal corporation to “see what gives women their wiggle”. Now I’m no businessman, but shouldn’t women’s hair removal companies be focussing their resources on tapping lucrative markets, such as engineering colleges? Maybe the corporation thinks that if a woman’s walk is sexy enough, we might ignore her soft, Grizzly-bear pelt. Maybe the corporation is smoking a medicinal herb.
The scientists studied some famous women including Angelina Jolie and Eva Longoria, before declaring the Dark Angel as the sexiest..umm..wiggler?
To my mind, these guys – and you just know they’re guys – are surefire candidates for a Nobel Prize in the ‘HAHA! I GOT PAID TO DROOL AT JESSICA ALBA’S BUTT’ category. They even have the power of mathematics on their side, as you can see from the following excerpt:
“The academics found that it is the ratio between hips and waist that puts the sway into a woman’s walk-and the nearer that ratio is to 0.7, the better.
This ratio provides the body with the right torso strength to produce a more angular swing and bounce to the hips during the walking motion. Therefore, a woman with a 25-inch waist and 36-inch hips would have just the right proportions to carry off a sexy swagger as she walks, like Alba’s.”
–Source:TimesofIndia.com
The above findings are described, in journalistic terms, as ‘A Load Of Bull.’ But as an engineer, I can imagine and fully comprehend the jubilation that erupted in the Cambridge math department when this study was commissioned.
Mathematician 1: (thinking wistfully) Someday, I’ll be like Matt Damon from ‘Good Will Hunting’ and score with a chick who has a cool name like Skylar. Actually any chick would do…
Mathematician 2: Hey have you heard? A corporation is paying us to study hot celebrity butts!
Mathematician 1: This news just caused an exponential increase, if you know what I mean.
Of course, now that the study is public, these guys will become heroes. If England had a King today, he’d probably knight these guys. For now though, the knighthood is on hold because women, including the Queen(citation needed – she seems like a very old robot to me) just cannot appreciate ‘Leching’ as a career option.
However, knights or not, these mathematicians have given a new hope to their brethren around the world, whose idea of ‘a hot time’ until recently involved bets like ‘Let’s see who can stare at this rotating fractal pattern the longest without going dizzy!’.
Cambridge will now be flooded with applicants seeking to research topics like ‘The Paris Hilton Perkiness Coefficient’ and ‘Lindsay Lohan’s Leggy Logarithms’. (Notice the absence of degenerate puns on ‘bell-shaped curves’) Meanwhile, the biomedical guys at Cambridge are thinking, “Screw stem cell research…let’s do some math!”
If I owned a large corporation, I wouldn’t spend money on pointless research – I would just buy Jessica Alba. There are also other socially relevant purposes that money can be used for, such as sniping customer care executives. But that’s matter for another article and another day. I have to go celebrate now. You see, I completed an entire article without cracking a beer joke.
This article was published in JAM, dated 30 Aug – 14 Sep 2007.
Toon courtesy: Vivek Thakkar
Ashish Shakya 
Pygmy slave – that is brilliant 🙂