Waiter, There’s A Skeleton In My Closet

This was an embarrassing week for Pakistan, making it totally different from the 28437 weeks before this. A spate of revelations about Osama Bin Laden’s life in Pakistan became public, bringing much shame to a nation that is already under international pressure to explain the existence of Taher Shah. (If you don’t know who he is, just imagine the love child of Ram Kapoor with a toad, who then grew up to dress like an 80s Bollywood smuggler trapped in the prison of his acid-soaked mind.)

The report is the work of the Abbottabad Commission which was set up by the Pakistani government after Osama’s assassination to study the reasons behind the mess and fix loopholes so that in the future, no terrorist would have to die a senseless death. The judge-led report states that Osama had been in Pakistan since mid-2002, causing much shock and bewilderment among Pakistanis who cannot believe that the judge is still alive.

This means that while Bush was bombing everything in Afghanistan, including civilians and rocks that had a higher IQ than him, Laden was holed up in Pakistan, probably watching the coverage on TV and thinking, “Dammit, the camera does add ten pounds. Stupid decadent western camera.” So before the war, when Bush said, “We’ll smoke ’em out”, I guess he was referring to American jobs.

(This would never have happened in India. We’d never let murderers go undetected for this long. No, we would find them, drag them out and send them straight to public office.)

It was also learnt that the search for OBL could’ve ended in 2002, when a traffic cop stopped his car for speeding in a Swat bazaar. The cop didn’t recognise the then clean-shaven Laden and let the car go in what has to be the goofiest slip-up since Herschelle Gibbs “dropped the World Cup” in ’99. Now had Laden actually been captured, tried and executed, all because of that minor traffic violation, he would’ve had a pretty awkward time in hell. Imagine the inmates hanging around, talking about how they got there:

Hitler: I popped a million different pills and then shot myself in the head. They never caught me. Hey Laden, tell us again na how you got here.

Osama: Sigh. It was a traffic viola- AIDS. Fine. I got AIDS. You happy now??

Hitler: LOL.

Osama: Whatevs, Lance Armstrong.

During all those years in hiding, Osama had also managed to father four kids. Now that’s dedication. Despite being hunted by the world’s largest military, Osama took the time off to badonkadonkadonk, which is more than you can say about the average man in his 50s. I wonder if he got so used to the danger that after a point, he couldn’t function without it. This must have led to some odd exchanges between him and certain experts:

Dear Dr. Watsup 

I am man from respectable business family. I can get in mood with my wife only if I make my other wives stand outside room and make assault rifle noises. What to do?

Yours sincerely


Dear Not-Osama

Wow. I didn’t know goats could even make assault rifle noises.

Earlier this year, it was announced that to boost tourism, Pakistan would develop an amusement park at Abbottabad. Apparently they have a roller coaster that goes straight into a building.

In other terror news, the Indian Mujahideen issued a threat on Twitter this week, which begs the obvious question: What are terrorists doing on Twitter? If you guys want virgins, go to Orkut. The IM said that Mumbai would be hit next week, provided their guys don’t face flooding at Juhu Circle.

Security has been stepped up, and that’s because India isn’t lax with terror threats. No siree, we keep an eye out for everything, as proven by the crackdown on anti-national Delhi couples who unleashed lethal hormone bombs all over the Metro. It’s really weird. CCTV footage of couples kissing and making out on the Delhi metro recently began surfacing on porn sites. Only Indians would be desperate enough to get on a porn site to watch people kiss. Going online to watch people kiss is like paying a hooker to high-five you. (Yes, I get that voyeurism is part of the appeal, but if you’re such a peeping Tom, you should just join the telecom ministry.)

I hope that the latest terror threats amount to nothing, and that we find the scum behind them. I’m sure the authorities will get to it once they’re done interrogating all the suspects on hotdesicctvitemlog.com.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 14th July 2013. )