Overheard On The Indian Internet: The Insane Edition

Hello and welcome to yet another edition of Overheard On The Indian Internet. Let’s jump right in. An eight-year-old girl recently became the central figure in a story so horrific that our minds have blocked out the details so as to prevent us from collapsing in despair.

So naturally, the best and brightest minds in the country stepped in to offer arguments as to why our anger is misplaced. Their statements aren’t new and will never go away, so feel free to use these rebuttals for future reference as well. Here is their mind-feces, in no particular order:

Where Were You When?

Chup lodu.

That’s it. This cretinous response does not deserve the dignity of a nuanced reply. It’s not my job to solve your ignorance. Do your own goddamn research. Until then, this argument is too stupid to merit anything more than the time it takes to think and say the words ‘Tatti Khaa Le’.

Everything Is Not One Man’s Fault, Why Question King Uncle?

Toh bc Congo ke president ko phone karun?

Who else am I gonna question? Oh, the state government? Who are they allied with again? What about Unnao? Who’s in charge there? Who are the people shielding the rapists? What’s their allegiance? Why were they allowed to succeed as much as they did?

What sort of ideology do these rape-protectors espouse? Oh, they’re a bunch of majoritarian inbreds? Wow, what a surprise. Lemme guess, who enables these noose-enthusiasts through tacit silence or active support? Who has the power and the mandate to clamp down on fanatics? Who reaps political benefits from letting killers run amok and create communal faultlines?

Oh, what’s that? Fuck me, I’m probably a paid agent of the rival party. Shits yaar, you’re right. That’s totally my business plan. They’ve paid for three of my penis enlargement surgeries. I heart dynasty. My retirement plan is to live inside Chiknya’s dimples.

But Dear Leader Spoke Up Na, So Why Are You Still Angry? And that Unnao guy was also arrested so yay 4 decisive action.

Sorry, I didn’t realise that I have to be indebted to someone who was shamed into doing literally the bare minimum at work.

And what, you want a medal for arresting a rapist? An arrest that came after the survivor’s father was beaten to death for seeking justice? The fuck else were you gonna do with a rapist anyway? Promote him?

Oh wait.

OMG This is Totes Unexpected, We Didn’t Vote For This

Then you were either stupid or wilfully ignorant. Because none of what is happening is a surprise to us. We’ve been screaming about it for years. These are literally our worst fears coming true.

But you had other ideas. Maybe you fell for a marketing campaign. Or maybe your self-esteem is so low that you needed Selfie Papa and all the parasites living off him to tell you that everything was gonna be okay once ‘The Others’ were put in their place, that every struggle you’ve ever endured is because of people who believe in Magic Sky People that are different from your Magic Sky People.

Either way, you enabled this. Go sit in a fucking corner and think about what you’ve done.

I know that not all of you are bigots or rape-apologists. But enough of you are. I know that not all of you care about the meat in someone’s fridge. But enough of you do. I know that not all of you will jump to defend your scumbag leaders for every crazy, criminal and idiotic decision they make. But enough of you will. I know that not all of you will fall for the spin cycle that has already started. But enough of you will.

And that’s the thing: they don’t need all of you. They just need enough.

I’d like to empathise but honestly, I’m tired. I’m tired of mollycoddling your mental deficiency in the quest for civility and neutrality. Over the last few years, I’ve seen you justify everything from lynchings, communal violence, doxing, the killing of journalists and rationalists, industrial-scale fake news, a systematic culling of whistleblowers, official endorsements of myths and pseudoscience, a subversion of the democratic process in order to shoehorn legislature that takes a steaming shit on the concept of transparency, and of course, the national flag being draped over the body of a murderer.

Toh haan, tatti khaa le.

Aur agli baar chutiye jaisa Whatsapp forward padh ke vote mat kar.

Jai Hind.


33 responses to “Overheard On The Indian Internet: The Insane Edition

  1. End main Jai Hind bola!!!!
    To sab sahi bola

  2. So, whom do you suggest we vote next time?

  3. Public outrage have a very short term memory. People lacks empathy. Nobody ask why crime against women continue unabated.

  4. Public outrage have a very short term memory. People lacks empathy. Nobody ask why crime against women continue unabated.

  5. Not an apologist. Not a bhakt. Unfortunately, those disclaimers are mandatory while joining any discussion. If ‘bhakts’ are quick to dismiss any criticism as anti national, isn’t the opposition guilty of labelling every one a bhakt?
    The alternative is what, the guy with dimples and the sychophants extraordinaire?

    • That’s my question exactly. I don’t want to vote for the BJP next year. But I want to vote for Rahul even less. And who else has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning?

      • You don’t vote for Rahul anyway. Unless you are that rare person who lives in Amethi, or Varnasi you won’t get the chance to vote for Modi or Rahul.

        You’ll get the choice to vote for your local representative. You can look up the list of each party’s candidates, regional, national and independent, and make an informed decision based on that.

        There are always options, you don’t need to see a PM figure before voting in elections. Some of the best leaders India has seen have not been mass leaders voted in every person.

        The point is, This isn’t the US! It is not Hiliary or Trump, you’ve got far more choices, even if you decide to not vote for BJP.

  6. You need to deliver this Rant in a stand up bhenchod india mey log read nai karte unko bas videos pasand hey
    Bhai tune sare points rakh diye nothing left to say even after reading this bhakts wants to go ahead with their agenda than “tatti khalo ” bastards .

  7. Well written. Answers most of the bhakts questions.

  8. This so perfectly written. I just can’t stop thinking that if we, the people who ain’t tatti made the majority, then girl would still be alive and healthy, playing with her friends and may have even led a significant life!!
    But what happened was heartbreaking.

  9. Omg
    Like half my Facebook feed needs this to be read to their face with a microphone

  10. bahut badhiya. Maza aa gaya. Bhai waah.

  11. You seem to have picked up an anti-establishment rhetoric and the reason for that might be your target demographic and it might be profitable for you, but please stop for a moment and think about the irreparable harm you’re doing. Think as mature adults and not as wise-cracking teens. At some point you have to grow out of it and think holistically.

    I’m not saying you should not question “King Uncle”. But raise up the bar a few notches and then question him/the govt. Currently there’s a lot of misinformation on both Kathua and Unnao as well as establishment in general. It is your duty as educated citizens to voice your opinion once you know all the facts. You have a following now. Try and be mature. Let some facts come out. Coming out guns blazing without knowing the facts of a case or incident was ok when you were young and feckless and didn’t have a care in the world. Today you have a following in excess of a 100k people. You’re looked up to and respected. Try and live up to that.

    Coming to the matter at hand, our culture is a problem. It is painful to see people who are sleazeballs in real life; who cheat on their partners, lech at women in the workplace, objectify women in daily conversations; self-righteously put up posts on justice for women. The hypocrisy is striking. The rot lies within us. No government can help in such a situation till we change our mentality. The government cannot become moral police. We need to be our own moral police. We need to improve ourselves as men, teach our children better values and then we can question the government. The real issue is what can the government do to help us change ourselves. Maybe set up legislation, maybe include gender equality as a topic of education, maybe set up awareness sessions and a mass education campaign like Swacch Bharat with local government bodies. These are the questions and suggestions you should be giving as mature adults.

    As far as the rest of your blog post goes, I had expected better from all of you at AIB than this cheap shot at the establishment without facts and data. If you seriously feel activities like Swacch Bharat, Aadhar, direct benefit subsidy schemes, jal yukta shivar abhiyaan, demonization, GST implementation are not proof of this establishment moving ahead on a non-hindutva agenda then you’ve got your head in the sand. If you seriously still feel this dispensation is about Hindutva after stellar legislation like the insolvency and bankruptcy code, juvenile justice amendment bill, the improved land acquisition act, the financial irregularities act then you have your head in the sand.

    Again, you are now public personalities. Your conduct should set an example. I suggest you stop being so reactive and use your “celebrity status” responsibly. Your opposition to the current dispensation is your own problem. You are free to oppose them. But as public personalities, it is your duty to be issue-specific and mature in your opposition. Talk about specific legislation, it’s lack of implementation or some tangible, constructive issue. Don’t come out guns blazing with words just because you are fluent in a language. It behooves you to be mature adults now even if acting otherwise is good for business.

    Over the course of the years, i have been watching your act even before you guys were famous. Particularly your blog. I used to enjoy reading it. You stopped when you stumbled on to bigger and better things of course, and justifiably so. I hope that you treat this old fan (one of your early adopters) with the respect he deserves, try to think about what he’s saying instead of just barking “tatti kha le” at him and moving on. You can of course do that, but it’ll mark the demise of what made me like you and follow you all these years. I hope you’re made of better stuff.

    A big fan.

    Jai Hind.

    • If you still think demonitization was a good move, continue keeping your head in the sand. It exactly where it should be. The National Science Congress has been made out to be a joke, the appointees to the helm of various institutions are incompetent to say the least. And then we have 3600 crore statues and temples being discussed, if you can’t see the Hindutva agenda of the BJP with the state sanctioned encounters in UP, Romeo squads, Love Jihad and what have you then continue remaining willfully deluded. We never expected much from the BJP’s support base anyway.

    • Chup lodu

    • Brother you killed it!! Respect!!
      People when condemn such issues they forget the developmental work which has been done by the current government. Hence more reason for the opposition to make every thing which is communal against the government. Since they clearly don’t get much footage on the development topics.
      Whatever happened in Kathua and unnao and many other places clearly means not enough has been done to ensure women safety and blaming just one government isn’t the right thing. This has got to do with the faulty law and order which has haunted common people for a really long time. We have different sets of laws for different people and bigwigs only get their punishment in the bollywood movies. This culture has grown over the years and the has now turned into a monster which is eating up our society. If and I really hope they do – the BJP get the next term the first and foremost thing on their list should be a complete revamp of the current Judiciary system. Making everyone accountable for their crimes should be the sole responsibility of the law and that too in least amount of time possible. This is a huge task and will need a lot of will power and boldness to pull over but if any party has the guts and people who can pull it off its the current government.
      They have already begun with revamp of taxation system and hence economy and again showed that they have what it takes to make bold steps for the betterment of the country. Next logical step has got to be the law system. And to all those ranting against and falling pray to the media trial which is held on every damn media channel in our country needs to get their fact checked before coming to a conclusion. Everyone wants the guilty to be punished and only death can be a suitable punishment for such a heinous crime. But if we just hang people for pleasing a certain section of voters without ‘due procedure’ – I think it will be the beginning of a huge disaster.

    • Fortunately stumbled upon something that made sense….well i feel the ones accusing for the usual-trivial politics have the themselves started a ruinous maverick cult!

    • Very well said, Sir, respect…to you…

  12. For all those here in the comment section who ask if not Modi, Who? Rahul Gandhi? Fail to grasp is that they are perpetuating a cult of personality. They fail to look at a party’s core policy and principles or even read their manifesto and fail to hold those in power accountable for failing to live up to their promises. No one person can be entrusted to be the messiah of this country for there are none, if the occupant of 7 RCR is all you care about then you have failed to grasp what Democracy really entails and your education hasn’t helped you in the least bit, are you saying that you cannot find one independent candidate who in most elections ends up with a paltry few hundred votes who keeps fighting the good fight in spite of all odds and campaign for this individual or if you can’t find one such person, what’s stopping you from being that person. Contest in elections reach out to people and fix this problem.

    • Appreciate the idealism. Please let us know when you do contest.
      Every political party in India is based on a personality cult irrespective of whether it is regional or national. BJP has modi, Congress has Gandhi, AAP has Kejriwal, so on and so forth.
      Parties apart from NDA and UPA won 145 seats in the last election, the 3rd Front fared worse in the elections in 2009. So it isn’t about giving in to personality cults, it is being pragmatic about the two people who are most likely to lead the country over the next five years.
      Unfortunately, it is either Modi or Rahul.

    • Even if you and I do vote for the strong, idealistic independent candidate (if such individuals do exist) eventually they end up joining the party that gets the largest majority, so it may still be marginally better than voting for bjp directly, ultimately it’s Modi that we’re going to end up with in 2019

  13. Did these rapes and criminal police politicians
    Nexus begin in the last 4 years ? Is all these going away once the bjp loses the next elections and whatever coalition comes to power ?
    There are police reform recommendations and judicial reform recommendations gathering dust for the last 50 years.Ask for them to be implemented. Asking for a change of leader ship will lead us nowhere.

    • Arre of course a change in leadership does make all the difference, earlier we had the Congress in power when the Nirbhaya tragedy happened and we all outraged and kicked them out and brought the BJP in and since then we…..oh wait

  14. and THIS 🙂 could be describing UK right now .. 🙂 ‘I’m tired. I’m tired of mollycoddling your mental deficiency in the quest for civility and neutrality. Over the last few years, I’ve seen you justify everything from lynchings, communal violence, doxing, the killing of journalists and rationalists, industrial-scale fake news, a systematic culling of whistleblowers, official endorsements of myths and pseudoscience, a subversion of the democratic process in order to shoehorn legislature that takes a steaming shit on the concept of transparency’ – love it…

  15. so you come back after a long hiatus to write…. this?
    go back into hiatus and remain angry and frustrated and despondent
    if you must write then don’t do it to vent your ugliness and crap

  16. Thank fuck you’re back. And with a bang! Don’t ever quit, ok!!

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