Asshole Hit By Crippling Bout Of Empathy

MUMBAI: Two months ago, IT professional Sunil Kumar, a loving father of two who spends his free time telling liberals online that they should be raped and murdered, found himself struggling with thoughts he’d never had before.

Just as this smegma in human form was about to dox inter-faith couples and exhort his followers to track them down, he was hit by a stray thought: what if it were him in their place? He brushed it aside, reasoning that it was okay to separate and if needed, kill people for marrying into communities that believed in different Magic Sky People.

But soon, stray thoughts turned into a persistent mental chatter, causing him to second-guess every little action. Where he had once blindly shared news reports claiming that Elon Musk codes in Sanskrit++, he now stopped and wondered if there was any inherent bias in its source,

Things spiralled during a TV debate titled ‘Murder: Yay Or Nay?’, convened after yet another rationalist was shot at, and died due to natural blood loss. Sunil fired his first salvo, the ever-dependable Mughal manoeuver. “Where were you when Akbar was feeding babies to velociraptors?”, he thundered.

Sensing a viral moment, the anchor egged Sunil on, setting him up for a Nehru slam-dunk. But just as Sunil was about to go into how the pattern of rose petals resembled the Arabic word for ‘Socialist Chhamiya’, he froze. The voices in his head began their assault, questioning both the morality and futility of using long-dead people as a distraction from real problems. It’s idiotic, they jeered. It’s like your boss saying that your salary is delayed because Aurangzeb invented AIDS.

Sunil’s throat went dry, his chest tightened and his heart started pounding as he desperately wrestled against thoughts that told him his hate wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t deserve to be on this panel, and that his co-panelists were all better than him, especially Nikhilesh Gupta, who slithered in to seize the silence. He stood atop his chair, held a gun to his head and proclaimed, “Agar aap ko lagta hai ki hum ne kuch galat kaha hai toh border pe khade jawan ki kasam, main khud ko idhar hi goli maar doonga.”

The studio erupted as a vindicated Nikhilesh sat down, having delivered the next meme-worthy distraction that liberals could enjoy while their institutions crumbled around them.

“Sunil’s symptoms indicate the onset of what we psychiatrists refer to as a ‘Generalised Empathy Disorder’”, says Dr. Ankita Shetty. “When Sunil came to me, I could see how constant flashes of empathy were damaging his sense of self. I suggested therapy but he walked out saying, ‘feelings are for cucks’.”

Sunil now seeks solace in his group of online commenters, whose passion about the merits of the caste system does lift his spirits, but not for long. On particularly bad days, he has to remind himself of his past achievements. “I tell myself that all these ministers who follow me and give me instructions wouldn’t do so if I were a complete failure. I mean something to them”, said Sunil.

He then proceeded to add sixteen exclamation marks to a post about how the man recently arrested for a journalist’s murder was actually a reanimated Osama corpse programmed “to defame us”.

But just before he could publish it, he was hit by another bout of empathy. He thought about what it would feel like to be shot dead in your home for doing your job, and then have your murder investigation turned into yet another springboard for propaganda that, oddly enough, was both laughable and effective.

“Fuck that. I don’t need that sort of negativity in my life”, said Sunil as he hit ‘Publish’.

16 thoughts on “Asshole Hit By Crippling Bout Of Empathy

  1. Welcome back!! You’ve been missed.
    Now don’t just focus on your stand ups. Unless you are coming to Australia, in which case do carry on 🙂 We’d love to see you here. Make sure it’s Brisbane though.

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