Till Death Or Other Weird Reasons Do Us Part

The Great Indian Wedding Season is drawing to a close, which is sad because I look at weddings the same way I look at getting tasered – it’s great fun if it’s happening to someone else. The best one I attended was basically a beach-and-beer party where there just happened to be a ceremony. However, recent news events have made me realise that you can do all the cool stuff you want at your wedding, but if it’s going to go through without anyone getting ditched at the altar, then don’t even bother inviting me.

The gold standard for excitement was set by a bride in U.P this week, when she canceled her wedding at the last moment after realising that the groom had hidden his complete and utter lack of education from her. She did this by pretending to be a human Captcha. No, seriously. She asked the groom what 15 plus 6 was. His answer: 17. (On the bright side, at least he’s qualified to be an elected representative.)

Classy readers may have already noted that this incident is also the basic plot of the 90s classic Raja Babu, so don’t you ever accuse Govinda of not making realistic cinema ever again. What I love about the story is even after all this, the guy’s family still tried persuading the girl to marry their defective abacus. That must have been an awkward conversation.

Guy: I know I basically committed fraud but marry me. I have money…

Girl: … that you cannot count.

Guy: I swear I’m educated!

Girl: Right. And which school did –

Guy: *sings the IIN theme song*

That’s when she proceeded to get the hell out of there, leaving behind skid marks and a bride-shaped hole in the wall.

Last month, another bride from U.P had ditched her groom when he had an epileptic fit during the wedding. Then she said to herself, “Goddammit I got threaded and waxed and the caterer is here with like six different types of paneer, so why let it all go to waste?” So while the seizing groom was rushed to a hospital – again, this is true – she scanned the wedding guests, spotted a potential mate and announced that she would marry him if he were okay with it. The guy agreed to it because apparently self-esteem is optional. At some point, the original groom returned from the hospital, only to see his former bride and her new husband drive off into the sunset, making him realise that marriage is a sacred bond between a woman and a man who just happens to be in her field of vision.

Now you may call it cruel and discriminatory, and the fact is that there are better reasons to cancel weddings than epilepsy, like if someone wears sunglasses indoors. But the girl was angry that the guy’s family had kept this hidden from her, which, from her point of view, sounds fair. Because if it had been the other way around, I’m pretty sure the guy would have dropped her so quick, they’d call him Kamran Akmal. It’s just refreshing to come across stories like these in a country where guys reject girls because “Mummy, the angle of her nose is off by half a degree, so find me a better model.”

Maybe such incidents can be avoided if young people are given more time and freedom to choose life partners. Ah, what am I saying – that’s just crazytalk. At best, you could have matrimonial sites include filters like ‘I Suffer From A Misunderstood But Manageable Neurological Condition Which Would Not Be A Problem If We Were More Than A Biodata To Each Other’.

(On a related note, it’s nice to see shaadi dot com being endorsed by Chetan Bhagat. Because there’s no better advocate for arranged marriages than the guy who had a love marriage so famous, it spawned a book and a 100-crore film.)

There’s still hope if you want to catch an exciting wedding. You can still see a few going on, causing the odd traffic jam, most notably in Juhu and Worli. These are the poor souls who couldn’t get a date when the weather was nice and can now be seen smiling through sixteen layers of sherwani, developing sweat patches that will eventually devour them like a black hole. I don’t know how they do it. If I were them, I’d just marry the AC. Unless it left me for someone else.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 15th March 2015.)


17 thoughts on “Till Death Or Other Weird Reasons Do Us Part

  1. Pray tell me how is love marriage any better than arranged one and vice versa? Both are messy affair with either the kid or PappaJi taking the onus to do the shit. In love, men pick hottest available achievable chick in college/office/party and women pick the richest…. guy. In arranged, the respective Dads do so, with a double check on the family background.
    Going by statistics and theory of probability, I will go for arranged marriage for being able to die married once. Well yeah, the bride dumped the groom because of epilepsy. Don’t >80% girlfriends/boyfriends dump their partner post college/job switch as and when they get better option?
    So it’s like….since it’s existing order of current society, it’s cool to say it sucks.

      1. Yup Shreya. you are bang on & hit the bull’s eye.. apart from that there are any number of studies which debunks the theory that love marriages are better. In fact they are worse off… But somehow it is “cool” to run down arranged marriages.. never mind guyz who did love marriages fight like street dogs in courts once it does n’t work out…

  2. The bride who almost married the guy who hid his epilepsy finally married the would-be groom’s brother! 😛 It’s going to be one happy family at the end of the day 😉

    P.S.: My computer’s become so slow, it’s been messing things up for a while!

  3. This was a hilarious read. 😀 But seriously the bride did the captcha thingy? 😮 I am trying to visualize how their talk turned to that direction. I wouldn’t say one gives a better outcome than the other. But personally I feel love marriages are much better not because of bollywood. But because, in arranged marriage couples meet with a mindset that, “I might marry him/her. So I’d better show my best side.” In a year’s time, they get married. Love begins that way too. But with time, they know what they are dealing with. You get to know at least 90% of him/her in most of the cases.

    There are exceptions in everything. I’m just saying this is what mostly happens.
    Interesting read 🙂

  4. HAHAHAHAHA !!! *sings the IIN theme song* ! That was hilarious 😂😂.. Also quite a good jab at that ridiculous ad about mobile internet promoting education😂😂

  5. Haha Amazing! These IIN ads are getting too irritating! -_-

    Marriage here is no different than a job application, you send in your resume, if liked, you move on to the next level of interview. If all goes well, tada you get married the next ‘shubh’ day.

  6. “What I love about the story is even after all this, the guy’s family still tried persuading the girl to marry their defective abacus.”

    Gahahahaha! This cracked me up, it did! 😀

  7. Hahaha..you’d be married soon if sarcasm was a criteria for getting married…
    Basically marriage would be two extremely tired and nervous people..surrounded by unnecessary excitement about them getting laid! And gold..and makeup…and food!

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