I Predict That You Will Read This Title

I hereby announce that I am incredibly proud to be an Indian. Like a Bombay gutter in the monsoon, my pores are overflowing with desi ghee as I type this with my long, straight fingers that coincidentally look like an ‘I’, which stands for ‘India: The Birthplace of the Universe And All Good Things In It, Except Biryani Which Is Invader Food’. I’m just seconds away from spraying on my signature scent – Eau De Chicken Tikka Masala – and being chased down the street by nubile Indian belles who want to tie me a rakhi because culture is best bro.

I wasn’t always like this, but I’ve seen the light thanks to right-wing visionaries whom I didn’t even vote for. I guess that’s the beauty of democracy. Even if I voted against them, I can reap the benefits of being ruled by people like former Uttarakhand CM and BJP MP, Ramesh Pokhriyal Nishank, who claimed in the Lok Sabha this week that an Indian sage had conducted nuclear tests in the 2nd century BC. He also said that astrology was the topmost science, and that regular science – y’know, with all its stupid experiments and proofs and logic – was a pygmy compared to astrology.

See, that’s the kind of glory that causes my chakras to swell up with joy. Gone are the days when India was only known for giving white people hernias with the Kama Sutra. The world will now worship us as the people who made the first nukes – even before the atom had been discovered – and they will bow before our might. Or they would, if we could locate those old nuke designs. I don’t know what happened to them. Maybe they were stolen by ancient terrorists who, as we all know, were invented by Pakistan.

Nishank was also of the opinion that there must be a proper discussion on astrology in the Lok Sabha, which makes sense because most of our politicians were alive when the planets were formed. Now a lot of you might dismiss astrology as a frivolous, non-science, but it is much more than that. It’s also hugely profitable. It provides employment to hundreds of thousands of wastrels across the country, way more than any silly IIT.

Astrology saves people from the rigours of having to go out and earn an honest living. People may refer to astrologers as hacks, often comparing them to other charlatans like aura-readers or investment bankers. But astrology takes serious skill. You have to train really hard to keep a straight face and not say “LOL dumbass” while accepting a client’s money.

In case you’re still sceptical, let me show you how my predictions this week changed my life. My zodiac sign is Aries, as is Robert Downey Jr.’s, so yeah, I’m basically Iron Man. Here are actual predictions India’s top astrologers made about me today:

“You will desire absolute freedom in whatever you do today.

Holy pigballs! How did they know?! Yes, this is true. I desire absolute freedom in what I do today, but only today. On every other day, I want to be bound, gagged and slapped around like Rajpal Yadav in a Priyadarshan movie. Also, the genius of this prediction is that it applied to most Indians before 1947, and also to every teenager ever. And speaking of teenagers…

“A lot of entertainment is on the cards for teenagers, like window shopping or going for a movie.”

If by “window shopping or going for a movie” you meant “taking pictures of their junk”, then yes, this prediction works too.

“You shall be eager to complete all your assignments well in time.”

(NOTE FROM ASHISH’S EDITOR: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, screw this guy. He’s like the Air India of freelance writers.)

“Those in strained relationships shall be able to find a solution, but for that to work you shall have to keep a cool head.”

Now I’m glad I got this information. It’s something I would never have figured out otherwise. But I wish I’d read it sooner, because now there’s a rapidly-spreading blood stain on my carpet and I don’t know what to do. Dammit. This wouldn’t have been a problem if I were a godman.

Once again, I’d like to thank all those who, with their informed decisions, made this current state of affairs possible. And if you’re still sitting on the fence then get down because that sounds painful, and join me in drinking the Kool-Aid. Or as it was called in India, som ras.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 7th Dec 2014.)

21 thoughts on “I Predict That You Will Read This Title

  1. Wonderful! Thank you, Sir! But then you knew I’d enjoy it, didn’t you? Please do write more! We need some fresh air right now!

  2. That was hilarious, Ashish, but the hounds are coming, brace yourself. 😛
    “I’d like to thank all those who, with their informed decisions, made this current state of affairs possible.” Enlightened minds who believe the whole damn media is paid. They believe in the “unbiased” social media though.

  3. I think think writer is a choot.

    I can’t say whether nuclear teat was done in 2nd century bc or not I can surely say that some amazing sense of architecture and science existed 80000 years ago which resulted in the building of the bridge between india and lanka. Now for those worshippers of modern science who believe that there was nothing before them might not even agree that the bridge was man made.

    And I am also aware that the vedas speak or paramanu, the smallest particle in existance in the universe which is much smaller than the atom. Previously science used to consider nutrons and protons as the smallest particle which is changing with latest experiments and the discovery of god particle. This the vedas had documented for more than tens of thousands of years.

    The article stinks of irresponsible arrogance as it overlooks a lot of proof of a rich knowlegible past of India.

    I do not deny that some people have been talking inappropriately quoting the past proofs but hasn’t modern science been doing the same?

    Modern science has been possibly talking about a world existing in the centre of earth, a world at the deepest bottom of the oceans, aliens that are either ancestors or decendants of cockroaches….

    There are excess of expression on both the sides. But this doesn’t mean that a writer uses his writing skills to neglects facts and proof that is staring you in the face.

    1. Heylo Dear Sir,
      I will help remove a little bit of that saffron sari you’ve found yourself wrapped up in.
      First of all, I do not deny that India has a very rich past – on every domain that you can think of – but this does not imply that it is comparable to what modern science has uncovered today. For instance, you speak of the nuances of particle physics: well, the Indians had a theoretical understanding of it but there are no remnants of proof which you can use to assert that they had the technology to document those particles. If they could see them, then surely, the could have used them. If you can only think about it and not produce it, then it will remain on paper. What is your source.
      Additionally, the word Atom comes from Atmos and so does the word Atma. There is a high degree of fluidity of knowledge across the globe and India has contributed to it, but is by no means a custodian of the same. Think of humanity before you start of spray your garbled, half-baked, partially digested nationalistic diarrhea on this choot’s website.
      And as for the bridge, yeah, the Indians were great at building bridges. I wonder when some patriot will construct one that connects your brain to reality.

    2. You “think think”? That’s the root cause of the problem, people like you think think-ing.

      Why didn’t your veda writers ever nuke all attackers to their lands? Too high on pot, while seeking enlightenment, or perhaps nursing hernias from trying ks positions?

      You’re finding shapes in the clouds – a wonderful way to pass your time, but stop trying to convince the world of a ridiculous science based off those shapes you see… Now go do your yoga and cure cancer and aids with it… Excuse me while I take my advil to cure the temporary headache that was caused by realising that losers like you have the right to vote – heck you’re probably going to be a minister one day!

    3. You are the one who is a senseless c**t, Hara, as in loser! Try to get a brain first, then an education. Perhaps along the way, you will learn logic and if you also learn humor, you will become human.

  4. Easily one of your best posts yet. (I’m not adding an emoticon because my astrologer told me it’d ruin my chances of completing this commme…)

  5. Air India? Nooooooo! (actually, I wouldn’t know because I stopped travelling with AI once the low-hanging fruits of privatization came along). The example you *want* to add is SpiceJet – which would convert to “He is like the SpiceJet of freelance writers, by which he will tell you that he is not going to do the assignment 50 mins before deadline, only when you remind him to email it to you. If you complain, he will encourage you to reschedule your assignment for tomorrow at 3 times the price, or book a different assignment with him only 11 days away at the same price. If none of these options work, then he will, of course, refund you the advance you paid.”

  6. ha ha. great country, great politicians. One minister who is handling Human Resources was showing her palm to an astrologer asking about her future and other one has proved that astrology is better than science. What a combination in Lok Sabha

  7. Hilarious Post! 😛 Senseless superstition in the name of religion, has more power to destroy this country than any exterior attack ever would have.

  8. Contrary to your satire, astrology is actually a science. Of course it’s preposterous the way our politicians deem it even more important than all scientific discoveries that have been made. Yes, India believes too much in superstitions. People let their lives be run by God..they live in fear. And Astrology is probably just a subset of “Science” as we know it. That doesn’t discount the subject’s credibility though.

  9. A clever and funny but fairly biased article. While laughing at astrology you display the same level of belief and ignorance that Nishank does on nuclear tech. Everyone’s truth is limited to the knowledge which they can access. Science and logic are vastly different fields of knowledge – science needs logic but not vice versa. You might want to review whether your beliefs need be limited by the perspective of science proponents. (I’m an engineer who’s been surprised by astrology).
    Thanks for the laughs.

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