In Loving Memory Of Common Sense

This is a very difficult column to write because I keep having to extricate my palm from my face as I type. It’s not like this is a rare occurrence — our wonderful countrymen are known for their unyielding devotion to the Kingdom of Daft – but this week has been particularly fruitful on that front. If common sense were a person, this is the week in which he would’ve been spat upon, fired and dumped for a dude who has ebola.

It started in Kerala, aka God’s own nurse factory. Last week, a bunch of gentlemen from the BJP youth wing reportedly vandalised a cafe in Kozhikhode (pronounced ‘Pilavullakandi Thekkeparambil Usha’). They did this despite the fact that it wasn’t a CCD outlet.

They claimed that the place was home to “immoral activities”, which is code for ‘Achche Din Aane Waale Hain’. I’m not sure what these activities were, but it probably involved some extremely obscene behaviour by boys and girls, like existing in the same physical space.

(Interestingly, the “immoral activties” were “exposed” by a Congress-owned channel a few days before the attack. It’s nice to see the two parties put their differences aside for real issues like these.)

In protest, a bunch of people in Kochi came up with a Kiss Of Love campaign, because for maximum efficiency, a campaign must be named after a Bobby Deol song from Jhoom Barabar Jhoom. They declared 2nd November as Kiss Day, inviting everyone who is not a cretin to gather at one place and kiss and celebrate love and possibly get lathi-charged. I quite like the idea of the protest. I stand by the people behind it, mostly because I don’t have to go out there and do it. What can I say? I’m just not a big fan of getting water-cannoned, because that would ruin my phone.

At the time of going to print, the police had denied permission to the organisers, probably because this wasn’t a political rally or a festival procession full of drunken oversexed gorillas holding up traffic.

Things reached a point where two people petitioned the Kerala High Court to stop the Kiss Mafia. The court shot down the petitions on grounds of free speech, because it is not proper for judges to say “Aage badho, chhutta nahin hai.”

On a brighter note, the BJP state vice-president said that his party would not interfere with Kiss Day, and that moral policing and violent protests were “not BJP’s cup of tea”. Overcome with emotion at such honesty, Kim Jong-Un broke down and said that insanity and crap haircuts were also not his cup of tea. Then he shot the guy standing closest to him.

It’s weird to see that India still hasn’t come to terms with PDA, still choosing to refer to it by its technical name, Chumma Chaati.  I, for one, am in awe of these brave, hormonally charged souls because it takes great talent to be perched on a bike on a busy seaface next to a hundred other bikes, watching out for cops and goons while your fingers wrestle with a bra clasp, racing to vanquish it before you collapse from monoxide poisoning.

But I get why innocent civilians get thrashed for kissing. Think about this way: you’re a ticket to a political hoodlum’s promotion. For them, assaulting civilians is a great way to get noticed and show their superiors that they possess the excrement gene needed to be a neta. I wish things were as easy for the rest of us, but it doesn’t work that way in the our world. I wish we could use excuses like that in office:

Boss: You’re lazy, irresponsible and you’ve missed your sales target by 273%. You’re fired.

You: Wait, I just punched a girl for wearing shorts.

Boss: Ohkay…

You: She was ten.

Boss: What colour do you want your private jet to be?

I can’t wait for the moral police to take this anti-kissing drive to the next level and bring in a communal angle to it. Before you know it, they’ll have you believe that Tongue Jihad is a real thing, and that our culture is being threatened by Lashkar-e-Lips. Thankfully, there are people standing up to this nonsense. I hope the Kochi protest goes off peacefully and that much love and saliva is exchanged, because otherwise I would’ve endured that Bobby Deol earworm for nothing.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 2nd Nov 2014.)

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25 responses to “In Loving Memory Of Common Sense

  1. “I’m just not a big fan of getting water-cannoned, because that would ruin my phone. ” Holy shit! 😄 You make me laugh in unexpected situations!

    “Overcome with emotion at such honesty, Kim Jong-Un broke down and said that insanity and crap haircuts were also not his cup of tea. Then he shot the guy standing closest to him.” That’s gold right there!

  2. the protestors were subjected to pepper spray plus largo charged at. Success.

  3. The communal-angled next level is already here- love jihad.

  4. Reblogged this on Feministindian!!.

  5. IMadeUpAJokeToGetYourAttention

    Meanwhile, a khap panchayat of Pilavullakandi Thekkeparambil Usha village (pronounced Kozhikode) has ruled that kissing is now illegal. In adherence to this law, a woman suspected of using the word ‘kiss’ has been married off to a coconut tree.
    Sigh.
    Btw, this article was too cool.

  6. What happened in the end was that many political parties who said they wouldn’t get involved got involved and attacked the protestors..the police who dont do shit when parties attacks shops during hartals came and arrested the protestors……..But yes love and saliva were exchanged and people did kiss ..;)

  7. I’m reminded so much of Bandra highway and the rollicking cars. 🙂

  8. Reblogged this on Grimoire and commented:
    “Last week, a bunch of gentlemen from the BJP youth wing reportedly vandalised a cafe in Kozhikhode … They claimed that the place was home to “immoral activities”, which is code for ‘Achche Din Aane Waale Hain’. I’m not sure what these activities were, but it probably involved some extremely obscene behaviour by boys and girls, like existing in the same physical space.”

  9. “Aage badho, chhutta nahin hai.”:)
    You really nail it .

  10. Savitri Bajirao Thorwade

    This might be the BESTEST column yet.

    More tongue power to you, and your ilk….
    May the force be with you!

  11. Loved it 🙂
    Sincere prayers for the protesters. Wish I could join!

  12. Reblogged this on Cute n Crazy Indie and commented:
    This is so apt, yet so hilarious!

  13. Thumbs up!!! 🙂

  14. Started off okay but by the end it was clear you didn’t want to see it from any other point of view. Also “All of India” should be okay with PDA? That’s in itself is such a ridiculous far reaching idea that I can’t take it seriously, and this from someone who does more PDA than NDA, trust me.

  15. Pingback: Tangy Tuesday Picks. Creative blog posts

  16. I had girls in my class when in school. Damn! I feel immoral and dirty now.

  17. You and only you can drive home a serious point about extremely flawed social behaviors in the country while effortlessly dispensing some laughs in between!

  18. Was I the only one who noticed that 273% seems like 273°C=0K?

  19. Amazing one 😀

  20. This article simultaneously leaves me enraged and dying of laughter. Too good!

  21. Hahaha! 😀 You and only you can drive home a serious point about extremely flawed social behaviors in the country while effortlessly dispensing some laughs in between!

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