Warning: Sex Education May Be Injurious To Ignorance

Indians have been waging a war on sex for ages, mostly by having lots of it. The latest gladiator to step into the arena is Union Health Minister, Dr. Alok Nath Harsh Vardhan, who wants sex education to be banned in schools, and yoga to be made compulsory. These two points appear together on his agenda, as if the latter would negate the former, which is ridiculous because yoga makes you flexible and toned and that just helps you score better. (Notable exception: Baba Ramdev.)

To be fair, this appears on Harsh Vardhan’s personal website so it’s not like the BJP has specifically advocated it as a party. I, for one, cannot imagine them ever promoting a populist agenda based on some antiquated notion of culture. But it’s also reasonable to think that Dr. Harsh Vardhan should know better, given the professional title attached to his name. He’s an ENT specialist, so now I’m wondering how he treats colds. Does he ban breathing? Or maybe he tells people that they can never, ever, ever, EVER know about the existence of ice cream because it could be bad for their throats.

Here’s the problem with that approach: people, especially youngsters, really like ice cream. They don’t care about the flavor – at that age, they just want to get down and dirty with a tub of the good stuff, and they’d take eight helpings a day if you let them. With chocolate sauce on top. And that’s not a metaphor.

For some reason, conservatives seem to believe that teaching kids about sex is the same as telling them go frolic as if they were extras on Game of Thrones. We’re talking about a species that is 30% acne and 70% crappy EDM, so clearly, they should stay far away from badonkadonkadonk. But they do need to know about the workings of the human body and mind, because should they choose to mess up their childhood with sexual dynamics that adults are barely able to deal with, they’ll at least know enough to not accidentally produce more Pitbull fans.

The first form of sex ed I ever got was from Shabana Azmi on a DD ad, telling us that “AIDS chhoone se nahin phailta”. That was when my generation learnt that you got AIDS when a woman dug her long red fingernails into your back. I also got a lot of sex ed from Ramsay movies, so even at age seven, I knew that if you took your clothes off and got a bump-and-grind massage under a bed sheet, you would get attacked by a vampire. It was a pretty apt metaphor for STDs, so let it never be said that the Ramsays weren’t subtle.

But I want this generation to have a more informed outlook than I did, while also remaining true to their Indian roots. That’s why I put together this little culturally-approved sexplainer, which defines various aspects related to sex, such as:

Safe Sex: Ctrl+Shift+N.

Unsafe Sex: A union that’s frowned upon by Haryanvi elders.

Appropriate sexual position: Anything that results in a male child.

Foreplay: Company offsite to Bangkok.

Sex with strangers: Bad. Wrong. Terrible. Anti-National. Unless the coitus is preceded by a ceremony where the stranger is coated in haldi, as if he were a bhindi, and someone has been paid to tell you that the stars and planets bless your caste-approved rishta because that’s just how significant you are to the universe, and of course, an obscenely bloated party that only reminds you that most of your “relatives” are just freeloading douchenuggets.

BDSM: Acts involving domination and gratification through humiliation. See arranged marriage above.

That should be enough to get youngsters started on the path to knowledge. For everything else, there’s always the Internet which, incidentally, also gets a fair share of ban threats. Maybe things would be better if people just loosened up and got themselves some ice cream.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 29th June 2014.)

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22 responses to “Warning: Sex Education May Be Injurious To Ignorance

  1. Yours has got to be the most hilarious and brazen blogs I follow! It’s not easy finding the right combination of the two but you’re pretty much it and I love your work!

  2. This is a really good post.

  3. Your definition of Sex-with-strangers is just hilariously perfect…

  4. Safe Sex: Ctrl+Shift+N. LMFAO

  5. Harsh Vardhan just needs to get laid.

  6. Haha too good, especially the BDSM part! 😛
    Love your columns!

  7. A nice material.

  8. Hilarious take on the issue! I love the ice cream metaphor 🙂

  9. Ctrl+Shift+N…too good! 😀

  10. While everything you’ve said is funny, let me play party pooper and let truth get in the way of a good story.

    Harsh Vardhan was against sex education as taught under the UPA government’s AEP (Adolescent Education Program).

    Quoting the man directly:
    “I have clarified that the view expressed on the web site was entirely my own and made in the context of the UPA government’s 2007 decision to introduce the Adolescence Education Programme (AE) in its original form. Even the chief ministers of UPA-ruled states had objected to it and subsequently it was modified.”

    More on his personal blog:
    https://www.facebook.com/drharshvardhanofficial

    This ongoing campaign to try to make the current government look fundamentalist is pathetic – and guess what – most people don’t buy it.

    • how about going in details about why was he against the original programme??? why dont u list the flaws which he found objectionable instead of posting links and saying that it was his personal opinion only??? that might lend your point some creditability… Becoz I don’t see, what “truth” have u enlightened us with…

  11. Brilliant, just brilliant stuff, man!!! The ice-cream metaphor was the best 😀

  12. That sex with stranger is really awesome. Great article. Keep it up.

  13. Bloody brilliant! Love your blog! 🙂

  14. Command+Shift+N bro. Which by the way has also resulted in more acne

  15. Thank you sir for teaching me Ctrl+Shift+N. I never knew this.

  16. Forgot one more version:
    Making with boy/girl friend: Sleep with 10 acquaintance and then decide whom to get along 😛

  17. Siddharth Muzumdar

    That icecream metaphor was teasingly hilarious. Lucid imagination. Ctrl + Shift + N is also very funny…:D

  18. I as an Indian want to retain my my history and therefore will never use things like ctrl+shift+n/p, which will erase our culture that can be used by future generations

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