It Was Mother’s Day. What Happened Next Will Amaze You.

According to a recent scientific study about the human race, mothers are kinda sorta important in life. They spend their lives caring for the next generation, spurring them on to go forth and conquer and also get a haircut and what is that shirt you’re wearing and what you’re going to a party you must be doing drugs are you doing drugs tell me the truth I’m your mother I always know when you’re lying to me (Hah. No, you don’t) and oh god who will clear these plates DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR SERVANT OR WHAT OKAY DON’T ANSWER THAT YOU CHEEKY BAS… well, you get the idea.

On that joyous Mother’s Day note, I’d first like to say to all the mothers reading this – and I mean this in the nicest possible way – you’re insane. Why else would you sign up for what is essentially a lifelong unpaid internship at Stress and Sacrifice Pvt. Ltd.? I appreciate the work that you do, not because parenthood is some noble, holy endeavour, but because the whole thing looks extremely difficult. (This is also my approach towards jazz performances. I have no clue what’s happening, but it looks tough, so it must be good.)

This would also be a good time to talk about a subject that I’m clearly an expert on: pregnancy.  I’ve reached that age where half the people I know have started having kids (the others have started getting cats). So my Facebook is plastered with typical baby albums with those typical baby album names like ‘My angel!!’, ‘My little bundle of joy <3’ or ‘The Systematic Destruction of My Hopes and Dreams. Awwww.’

But I find it odd that we see pregnancy as routine and commonplace. When your friends say, “Hey, we’re having a baby!” you just smile and reply with the usual “Congratulations. I guess we’ll never see you again.” And sure, pregnancy seems simple enough. You have sex and nine months later, you have a kid. Or if you’re Haryanvi, you have a son. Simple, right?

But in my head, pregnancy is amazing. It’s almost like a magic trick, so when I meet an expectant mother, I’m normal on the outside but there’s a voice in my head going, “HOLY CRAP, LADY! THAT’S CRAZY! HOW ARE MORE PEOPLE NOT AMAZED BY THIS? First there were two microscopic cells the size of nothing, and they turned into a living, breathing, thinking human being that is growing inside you, complete with arms and legs and a brain and a liver and pancreas and an iPhone and its own Instagram page and a sense of entitlement and whatever it is that kids are born with these days.”

That’s not my favourite bit though. You know what I really, really appreciate about pregnancy? That I’m a guy.

(That disturbance in the force you just felt was all my female readers flipping me off in unison.)

I don’t think I’ve ever wished my mom a happy mother’s day, because why restrict yourself to one day when you have 364 days to annoy the hell out of her? Gifting is also a problem, because like a typical Indian mother, she’s pretty difficult to impress. This is how it usually goes:

Me: Look Ma, here’s a fancy dinner at the best restaurant in town.

Mom: I can make better food at home. Don’t waste money.

Me: Look Ma, here’s a necklace that was once owned by the Maharani of Jaipur.

Mom: I know a shop that can make this for one-tenth the cost. Don’t waste money.

Me: Look Ma, I bought Antilla. Just for you.

Mom: Ugh. Who designed that was he on drugs he must have been on drugs is he your friend does his mother know…

The one gift she would like is for me to be more responsible and start investing in something that is not a Jager Bomb. This pales in comparison to her other concern, which is, “Khaana khaaya?” I’m almost thirty, but everytime I see her, she will put forth this question with the urgency of Obama demanding updates on a nuclear attack, because there’s a real danger of me starving in my own home. Once again, I appreciate the concern, but I still don’t get why anyone would willingly put themselves through this. So the least I can do is dedicate this column to my mother. Because this isn’t something she can make at home for cheap.

I think.

(P.S. Thank you for everything.)

(Note: This is my HT column dated 11th May 2014.)


36 thoughts on “It Was Mother’s Day. What Happened Next Will Amaze You.

  1. And there are some id**ts who are busy updating their facebook pages with sad statuses like: “She suffered so much while giving you birth, stayed hungry, blah blah” Not that I don’t appreciate those things, but first of all, please, your moms are not on fb, and I am not inetrested in knowing how much you love your mom. Secondly, if you are so much into fb and can’t resist letting others know how much you love your mom, at least put up statuses like these: “Mom You ROCK! I love the Aaloo Paranthas you make. Thank you and on a lighter note, Happy Mommas Day!”.
    If you really wanna wish her mommas day, let go of your xbox, go get up, put on your worn out jeans and buy her milk and eggs for which she is yelling at you since morning, instead of playing COD and updating your shitty-fb-page-about-which-no-one-gives-a-damn.

  2. Ohh boy you painted a really scary picture of pregnancy !! 🙂 I am literally scared of crying babies. I tell you, it’s not nuclear bomb but a bunch of crying babies that will destroy the world. I am at that ” appropriate ” age which just adds to my misery 😛 enjoyed reading your post. Your mom sounds like a sweetheart 🙂

  3. i fully associate with this because it is so familiar. my moms words zeroxed by me for my kids.when these words were delivered for me i felt oh no not again, but i am repeating the same words.

  4. The comedian sanjay manaktala from bangalore has a whole set on how his mother only asks him what he ate .. Guess evey mom does that 😀

  5. Wonderful post! Mothers are amazing and insane for all the things they do and go through 🙂 I too am awed by (and terrified of) pregnancy. Thanks for sharing

  6. Its seems every mother is the same. A sane peice on mothers’s day from the insane ‘cheecky’ msges I ve read so far!

  7. I swear. My mom thinks all my friends are druggies.
    The only way to impress her would be to read her mind and do what she wanted me to do 5 minutes ago but was waiting for me to realise on my own.

  8. Now that is awesome. I wonder if I ever thought of buying a gift for my mom. Well, she don’t expect it from me either. She just need me to call once a day and she is happy 🙂

  9. Reblogged this on Walk The Line and commented:
    I gifted my Mom a pair cute Swarovski on Mother’s Day this year and my Mom’s exact response was “Please start investing. Don’t waste money.”

    I have always maintained – the best stories told out there are inspired from real people and real lives. Here’s a beautiful case in point.

  10. Made me laugh and smile at the same time, which has hardly been possible after reading anything. lovely writing, this post has reflected some shades of Ashish shakya, 😀

  11. I generally LOVE your humour and am a big fan, but this is a strange homage to your mother!
    Moms are the best!

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