BREAKING NEWS: There’s Nothing To Report Today

I know it is immature to make the following confession in a respectable newspaper column, which is why I’m going to do it in mine: I’m sick of the elections. I can’t go five minutes without being reminded by the radio, TV and the internet that soon, Modi will cure AIDS while doing dandiya around the sun, and that Rahul will go back to his real birthplace of Mordor to focus on Gollum Empowerment.

It can be difficult to keep up with all the idiocy being generated on an hourly basis, which is why I suggest you throw out your TV, because the following news report should fill you in on everything you need to know. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… <drumrollll> 

EVERY ELECTION NEWS SHOW EVER

Anchor: Good evening and welcome to The Noise Hour, starring I, me, myself as Arnab Sardesai Stormborn Dutt, Bringer of Justice and Mother of Decibels. Tonight, we will spend 72853 minutes dissecting the latest instance of monkeys flinging faeces at each other and calling it a political debate.

The issue we’re discussing tonight is a shocking, stunning, repulsive, disgusting and life-changing issue, mostly because my scriptwriter has a Ph.D in Amazingly Good Adjectives. What we want to know is, how did Digvijay get attacked for his leaked pictures that show Modi referring to Priyanka as a daughter who should stay chaste because Abu Azmi still lives in 643 BC?

Joining us on the show is Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha Tewari, along with his BJP counterpart Meenakshi Lekhiraman –

Sanjay Jha Tewari: (interrupting) Arnab, this is clearly a flawed attempt by the BJP at destabilising the democratic fabric of the nation. This is fascism. Nazism. Exorcism. I LOVE RAJIV GANDHI AUTOMATIC RETORT YOJANA! Sorry, what was the question again?

Lekhiraman: As an immensely accomplished lawyer, let me just say that your face is a suxxx.

Arnab: It’s been six seconds since the audience heard my voice, so now I’m going to cite some facts and numbers while waving about a few sheets of paper that, for all you know, I use to play FLAMES. With myself. I complete me.

Sanjay Jha Tewari: I’m going to counter your facts with a digression. What is 2006 minus 4?

Lekhiraman: According to my party’s calculations, 2006 – 4 = 1979 + 5.

Arnab: Very classy. Now let’s go to an on-ground reporter who’s stuck in some Gaonpur village that we can all pretend to care about for three minutes.

CUT TO: A reporter standing near something that emphasizes the idea of rural life, like a bunch of naked toddlers running around next to a hut, or a man trying to marry his buffalo.

Reporter: I’m going to walk towards the camera while talking about this village, which is the kind of place that gets electricity about three times a year, and that too when it’s struck by lightning. Oh look, now I’m close enough to the camera, which means it’s time to ask the one question that villagers here have been asking for generations, i.e. when will Gaonpur get its own trending hashtag on Twitter?

CUT TO: More shots of rural life; a fly homing in on a snot bubble under a kid’s nose as he stares balefully at the camera, a woman walking while balancing six pots, two chickens and three helicopters on her head, Prakash Jha in a corner, taking notes for his next movie.

Reporter: Now I’m sitting next to an old man who is also wise, because he has a zen-like toothless smile that surely has nothing to do with the herb in his hookah.

Old man: (subtitles) It’s cute how you city folk are huffing and puffing about free speech and pub timings. I’d like to care, but the last meal I had was in 1963, so I’m going to vote for the guy who can change that. But only if he’s from my caste.

Reporter: I’m now going to end this capsule with some vague statement about the future of Gaonpur. Will 2014 bring it much-needed change? Only time will tell. Que sera sera. Bailamos.

BACK TO THE STUDIO:

Arnab: We have with us now expert psephologist, Stats McStatterson, who has some clear predictions about Gaonpur.

Statterson: In my expert opinion, the Congress will win, unless the BJP wins, in which case the Congress will lose. Or the AAP might just pull off an upset, in which case both the BJP and the Congress lose. I get paid to say this all day.

Arnab: There you have it, India. A definitive answer. On tomorrow’s show, we shall solve yet another mystery: Are there anti-national messages encoded in the frequency of Kejriwal’s cough?

Audience: *throws TV out of the window*

(Note: This is my HT column dated 4th May 2014.)    

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27 responses to “BREAKING NEWS: There’s Nothing To Report Today

  1. Brilliant as usual 😀

  2. There now i can die in peace….:P

  3. I can never seem to get over how you can express the most serious things in the most hilarious way possible. You crack me up and make me think at the same time. Respect.
    And I completely understand your frustration with the constant unnecessary election updates. I really do feel like I might throw my TV out if I see one more of those campaign ads -_-

  4. Enjoy a laugh while you are slogging it in the sun

  5. Phani swaroop kodur

    ” I’m going to cite some facts and numbers while waving about a few sheets of paper that, for all you know, I use to play FLAMES. With myself. I complete me.”

    B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L !

  6. Vinod S Muzumdar

    Another ROTFL stuff from AS. Truly hard-hitting in his inimitable, nerve-wracking humour that takes stinging pot-shots at our hysterical TV coverage. Hats off…and more power to your pen…!!

  7. Whataaa therapeutic article. Now can I study with a mind clear of all the thrash/guilt it gathered after submitting a paper _/\_

  8. Isn’t in Feces* ?
    Sorry not being a grammar nazi. Just confused 😛

  9. This was fantastic! I am missing out on watching all the Indian political drama on TV right now…or maybe I’m not!!

  10. I want to be you. Bellyaches.

  11. I think I might subscribe to HT just to read this!

  12. Modi will find cure to AIDS while dancing with dandiyas around the sun!!
    Epic !!!!!!! Now that is what I call a vivid imagery should be all about 😛

  13. That’s hilarious! Unfortunately, also factual.

  14. Very witty and truly entertaining! 😀 You nailed this one and sent it flying out the window!!

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  17. Shriram shenoy

    INDIA Has found AN ANSWER!!
    u gotta admit… Tv is lifeless without this joker!
    WHAT AFTER D ELECTIONS INDIA??!!

  18. Hilarious. The never ending indian TV. I thought our regional ones fared better.
    It is time arnab and other dramativ anchors moved away from TV.

  19. Faizan Ansari

    What is also becoming too common is taking a dig at the elections race, but this brilliant piece really cuts through the clutter. A class of its own.

  20. Chintan Lalwani

    You should sooo go for a debate in The Noise Hour 😉

  21. Very well written….Truly a class apart

  22. Enjoyed reading as usual. Brilliant article. 😀

  23. Good evening and welcome to The Noise Hour, starring I, me, myself as Arnab Sardesai Stormborn Dutt, Bringer of Justice and Mother of Decibels. … Brilliant am laughing out loud rolling all over the floor at work while everyone stares worried that I might me getting a fit! 😉

  24. I’m not sure how often you check your comments’ roll – but wanted to give a big hug! I came out of surgery today feeling depressed and in pain and the only reason I’m going off your page after reading this post is cause laughing starts off the pain again 😛
    Thanks for doing what you do!

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