Look Before You Sit

These are troubled times for the nation, seeing as how the most popular choices on our voting machines this May will be LOL and ROFLSCREWED. Sure, there’s something called a Third Front which pops up once every few years, but just seems to be the political equivalent of the Eclairs that tollbooth attendants try to palm off when they run out of real money. Given such dire circumstances, it is only natural that I address the most pressing concern facing the nation today, i.e. there could be a snake lurking in your toilet.

This is a real thing. It happened in the Mulund suburb of Mumbai this week, when a family discovered a 6-foot-long cobra in their toilet and did what any normal human being would do: they gutted all of Mulund with a flamethrower. At this point, let’s observe a minute’s silence for the fact that nothing good has ever been associated with Mulund. The only nice thing about Mulund is that it’s not Vikhroli, but that aside, it’s just another pimple in the general rash that is Central Mumbai. For long, its name has been a source of much amusement for 12-year-old boys, but that may change now, what with builders giving it fancy monikers like Lower Powai, Lateral BKC and Groin of Thane.

Anyway, as it turned out, the cobra had been living in the sewage pipes and occasionally surfaced through the toilet to get some air and transform into Sridevi. It was eventually rescued by a team of people who are trained to go from toilet to toilet and rescue snakes, as if they were the love child of Steve Irwin and Aman ‘Harpic’ Verma. Although anything that can survive in Mumbai sewage doesn’t really need to be rescued. I’m sure the cobra was doing just fine, and had managed to score an Aadhar card, domicile certificate and a “setting” with the local corporator.

This snake-in-a-toilet thing sounds like one of those urban legends that we all heard about while growing up in Mumbai. For example, there was one popular story about a faceless gang that skulked around crowded theatres, quietly pricking people with HIV needles and stamping a message on their arms that said “Welcome to the AIDS Club” (which just sounds like a rejected slogan for South African tourism).

This incident also has to be the cheapest, tackiest remake of the masterpiece that is Snakes On A Plane. I can already see the desi version unfold before my eyes:  Snakes In A Sandaas, starring Nana Patekar, who’s basically the Maharashtrian Samuel L. Jackson, standing there slapping his own head while saying things like “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF****** SAANP AADMI KO HIJRA BANA DETA HAI!”

The problem is that this has ruined my relationship with toilets forever. There are things that toilets are great for: snatching a few moments of solitude, waiting for creative inspiration to strike, cussing out the creator of Flappy Bird, being bulimic and so on. Here’s what toilets aren’t great for: surprise prostate exams. That’s what Dadar locals are for.

In more wildlife news, the citizens of Meerut in U.P had a terrible week, probably because they are citizens of Meerut in U.P. Also, a leopard strayed into the city and attacked some men after –  and I quote – “Some of them went close out of curiosity”. Why would these guys see a leopard and then walk in for a closer look? What did they think it was – a woman?

One suburb of Mumbai that has seen its fair share of leopards is – surprise surprise – Mulund. It’s not the leopards’ fault though, because we’ve been encroaching upon their forests for ages. It must be terrible, as a mighty predator, to come home one day and see that your hunting ground has been replaced by MANDAR BUILDER AND DEVLUPPER SPACIOUS 26 SQ.  FT. FLAT FOR 4 CRORES BECAUSE APPARENTLY THESE FLATS ARE MADE OF COCAINE. It’s the kind of thing that makes me want to go away to a nice, quiet place, like my bathroom. But I’m going to need a flamethrower.

28 thoughts on “Look Before You Sit

  1. Brilliant! Been following your blog for a while now. This has got to be one of the best write ups coming from you. Congrats and keep em coming 😀

  2. Hilarious as always!! Look forward to your piece every weekend! Love the way you’ve attacked mulund! XD

    On Sun, Mar 2, 2014 at 11:53 AM, Ashish Shakya

  3. Am a fan of ur humor..but this one was stinky toilet humor literally…apart from the fact…that it was in bad taste…to give people’s living areas.. names like groin and rash…No surprise,surprise here..that i m a Mulundkar.

  4. You have a style which is uncannily similar to Dave Barry’s, one of my favorite humor columnists.
    You should compile all your columns into a book 🙂

  5. This was your funniest post, and you’ve slain me many a time with the funnies. Hi, long-time reader/lurker here. You totally make and ruin my day. Whenever I see an e-mail from this blog, I drop everything, including but not limited to the sanity I usually keep gripped tight in both hands.
    Keep being so delightful
    – Mishty Varma

  6. Aman’Harpic’ Verma ,Cobra turning into Sridevi,the citizens of Meerut!Hahahaha!!!!Love all your posts ! They always make me smile through the day!

  7. Reblogged this on Walk The Line and commented:
    The Sridevi connection, Aman ‘harpic’ Verma, and ruining the toilet relationship for ever – highlights of this amazing post!
    Something I realized while reading this though – Taking a potshot at the suburbs will never get old in Bombay!

  8. I dropped my phone in d shithole coz i was laughing so hard. N now im afraid to take it out coz of the damn snakes. Thank you Mr Shakhya.

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