No AAP Puns Were Used In The Making Of This Headline

I like this part of the year, when people have finally shut up about how “Dude I got so wasted on the 31st that I made out with the shoe rack it was epic bro”. It’s also when we’ve shrugged off the disappointments of the previous year so as to make room for new steaming piles of disappointment.

Having said that, one thing that I’m really looking forward to in 2014 is the rise of the Aam Aadmi Party. Let’s face it – everyone loves a good underdog story, unless their name is Sheila Dixit. Arvind Kejriwal is Daniel-san from Karate Kid (and now I’m picturing Anna as Mr. Miyagi in a corner going, “Fast on, fast off” before melting into a puddle of irrelevance.)

Kejriwal may have been criticised for his populist schemes but damn it all, because he has created history by becoming the first man from Ghaziabad to ever garner positive press. Otherwise all you get are headlines like “Ghaziabad man slits wrist after pet buffalo spurns his advances.” (In case you Bombay people are wondering, Ghaziabad is sort of like the Kurla of U.P – lots of murders, one mall.)

Now while Kejriwal may have an IIT-IRS background, his most important qualification is still ‘Did Not Preside Over A Scam Factory Or Mass Murder’. Another thing that everyone seems to have latched on to is the extreme middle-classness of the man. For example, everyone loves the fact that he still drives a WagonR, which is understandable because other politicians wouldn’t even let their dogs pee on a WagonR. These relatable traits make for great news, so you can expect to see more such middle-class headlines in the future. For example:

Kejriwal haggles with sabziwala, calls him chor; housewives scream in ecstasy.

Mrs. Kejriwal judges neighbour’s daughter for talking to boy, Khap Panchayat offers external support. 

Kejriwal gets new car sticker that looks like puppy peering out from boot, AAP fans say, “No bro, too much tacky.”

Kejriwal also resonates with the elites because now they get to feel good about themselves by outsourcing their humility to him. This is what people said when they found out about Kejriwal taking the metro:

“Wow, that is commendable. He is a man of the people. Such a nice, middle-class uncle type guy. I bet his hobby is telling every kid in his mohalla to stop playing and go study for IIT-JEE. If this were a film, he’d be the family friend played by Satish Shah. Jai Hind.”

And this is what people actually thought:

“Shoot me if I’m still taking public transport in my 40s.”

It’s hugely entertaining to watch AAP navigate the political arena. The festivities kicked off with the swearing-in ceremony at Ramleela Maidan, where Kejriwal actually started singing about honesty in the middle of his speech, much to the delight of Delhiites who responded with “OYE DJ HONEY SINGH BAJA AUNTY PULLSS BULA LEGI!”

Then we saw the emergence of poet and AAP right-hand man, Kumar Vishwas. (Fun Fact: His romantic poetry is widely used to console North Indian engineering students after they get dumped for being, well, North Indian engineering students.)

Vishwas announced his candidature for 2014 from Amethi, and dared both the Gandhi scion and Narendra Modi to take him on. I like this sudden burst of zing that’s come in after the Delhi victory. The AAP is like a Yashraj heroine who is quiet and demure at first, but then has her first ever drink and transforms into a wild and whimsical beast that fears nothing, not even pre-marital sex. This challenge is basically the AAP’s version of “Dum hai toh bahar nikal!” It’s as if their campaign is sponsored by Maa ka Doodh. (Apparently they hired Dharmendra to help spread this message, but he kept referring to Kumar Vishwas as “Chhotu, drink bana.”)

Kejriwal finally zeroed in on his official residence this week, choosing to forego the bungalow he’s entitled to, for a duplex flat on Bhagwan Das Road, which has to be the most middle-class sounding address in the world. The only way it could be more middle-class is if he bought the flat at Big Bazaar.

But even this wasn’t enough for the BJP, who said that a duplex apartment goes against the principles of austerity. And who better to tell you about fiscal prudence than the party that promises to spend millions on a house for an imaginary being?

So that’s the situation just five days into 2014, and it’s only going to get more chaotic. It’s a long road ahead for the AAP, but I’m optimistic, because those Maruti cars are known to go on for ages.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 5th Jan 2014.)

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29 responses to “No AAP Puns Were Used In The Making Of This Headline

  1. Amazingly sarcastic and funny as always. Genious as ever.keep making us laugh and make a bright Sunday.

  2. Wax on wax off 😉

  3. ‘Kejriwal haggles with sabziwala, calls him chor; housewives scream in ecstasy.
    Mrs. Kejriwal judges neighbour’s daughter for talking to boy, Khap Panchayat offers external support’…………rolling on the floor! Hats off! 🙂

  4. …and then realized…how retarded, i really am to read this rubbish which is basically the output of a garbage disposal…looks good, but infact is SHIT !

  5. Yashraj demure heroine…..Epic!!!

  6. made out with a shoe rack,hahahahhahaha. rofl 😀

  7. Awesome as usual!
    But was a bit disappointed by the Yashraj heroine joke. I just saw Cyrus Broacha crack is on CNN IBN today evening. While I am sure that only a guy like you could have come up with it, its irritating to see others plagarise it 😦

  8. lol …… i thought this was supposed to be funny.
    my bad. :p

  9. Silly 🙂

  10. Lesson Number 2

    Yesterday , Arvind Kejriwal declared ,

    ” I will not contest Lok Sabha election but I will actively campaign all over India , for AAP candidates ”

    No doubt , a wise decision

    A decision to contest a Lok Sabha seat would have carried a dangerously detrimental message , viz: ,

    ” For me , getting into Lok Sabha is more important than fulfilling my
    promises to people of Delhi ”

    In which case , people of not only Delhi but of entire India , would have wondered ,

    ” This person seems to be obsessed with ambition which exceeds the
    commitment he has made publicly – and repeatedly – only a few days
    back
    How can he be trusted ? ”

    For Arvind , a wiser decision would be to leave Lok Sabha campaigning to his colleagues

    He must not leave Delhi for the next 6 months

    Every day , he must ,

    > make rounds of Delhi

    > personally assess if his officers are working hard to deliver on poll
    promises

    > tell people , what he has succeeded in implementing , what he is
    working on next , what is at planning stage. In short , present to
    people , his performance card

    > admit the honest mistakes that he – and his Cabinet colleagues – made
    and how they are learning to walk the tight rope of governance

    > tell people what can be done and what CANNOT be done – and why
    the limited resources cannot be stretched

    Sure , it is exhilarating to see the people’s response to AAP , from all over India

    Sure , you would like to ride the wave of people’s pent-up frustration against corruption , to get 50+ seats in Lok Sabha . Entirely possible

    Sure , you would want to galvanize the people’s anger against the shameless – and self-serving – politicians , to rewrite , THE NEW POLITICAL ORDER

    But

    DEAR ARVIND ,

    First completing current – and somewhat manageable – commitments to the people of Delhi has to be your ONLY PRIORITY

    If you succeed , in the annals of modern India’s history , it will merit a chapter titled ,

    ” THE DELHI EXPERIMENT ”

    And in World History , chapter on ” ARAB SPRING ” will be followed by a chapter on ” INDIAN SUMMER – MAY 2014 ”

    Let this be your lesson no 2

    * hemen parekh ( 06 Jan 2014 / Mumbai )

  11. kumar viswas…chotu drink bna..:D….rofl..nice one…people may say it was crap…but i say it is highly sarcastic…just one question: would u have a blog on MODI soon??

  12. Anna as Mr Miyagi, the Yashraj heroine transforming into a wild and whimsical beast and Campaign sponsored by Maa ka Doodh….:D Epic!

  13. Aunty Pullss bula legi!! 😀

  14. “And who better to tell you about fiscal prudence than the party that promises to spend millions on a house for an imaginary being?”

    😀 This line killed me

  15. I’m a little sick of this whole ‘regular guy’ paradigm. A good leader will be a cut above the rest, and if he drives an expensive car, who cares. As long as he does his job. You’re right–right now it seems his main qualification is that he is unmuddied by crony politics. Let’s see how things work out.
    I’ll say this: as misguided as I think he is about some things, he does appear sincere.

  16. Rishin Varghese

    Well written, humourous and realistic. Especially when it comes to the Yashraj heroine. It is true we don’t know where the story of AAP will end. All we middle class people can do is hope for the best and be prepared for the worst although we are happy that it is not like the stereotyped elections in India.

  17. Great blog. I’m a great fan of your work in general. I also discovered AIB a few days back and I think you and the other AIB folks are completely changing the Indian comedy scene! Keep doing what you are doing :-).

  18. mics on mics off!! 🙂 Funny stuff.. but the funniest part of your posts are always the out of context comments! keep up the great work!

  19. Indian guy living in the states

    Witty. Well thought. And directed towards an intelligent demographic.

    Good signs for us humor-craved Indians.

    Cheers!

  20. No AAP puns intended :-Dfantastic read

  21. “middle-class headlines”
    *likes the pun*

  22. Yep…Hallelujah..free electricity and water for the whole of India now..and forgive me while I sob into this drink and watch my dream of India finally becoming a developed nation melt like the ice in it. Dudes…have u heard of the word socialist>>>>>>>>>>>

  23. hope it matters to you.I just dont connect with you. i mean,i saw your tedx video, read some articles written by you but it’s just not funny to me. your appearance is really kiddish,and you exude adolescence. but lets not get into that, ur writing too needs maturity. i dont hate u, take this as a constructive criticism,and only reason i m writing this because, u r the first comedian i just cudnt understand anything. well ur life,figure it urself, but being a comedian doesnt mean,you got to look like a clown. u r trying too hard, maybe lighten up,try to keep it real. obvio u r earning well, well,salman khan too makes money, hope to get surprised by u.

  24. millions on house for an imaginary being! lol nicely done

  25. You are keeping it real 😉

  26. housewives scream in ecstasy . ROFL … good stuff 😀

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