Dhoom 3: Are You Watching Closely?

Dhoom 3 is this year’s big Christmas release, so I guess that makes Aditya Chopra Santa Claus. The difference is that Santa Claus has actually been seen in public. Now no matter what you say about the Dhoom franchise, it accomplished something that no one thought possible: it made people emulate Uday Chopra.  And by people, I mean biker boys from Bandra East who sincerely believe that if they don’t use their 100 cc crotch-rockets to overtake you from the left, they’ll end up going to hell, or worse, school.

D:3 is the best film of the series, which is like saying Kim is the smartest Kardashian. An important cinematic feature that works for it is the absence of Sunheri “Are you like checking me out like funny guy” from Andheri. (That character was possibly the most offensive representation of people from Andheri, which is saying a lot. We’re talking about people whose entire resume is ‘Once made eye contact with Ram Kapoor at a urinal’.)

D:3 opens in 1990, which is also where most of Bollywood’s comic interludes come from. The Great Indian Circus, owned by weed’s gift to pop culture, Jackie Shroff, is about to go under for failing to repay its loans to the Western Bank of Chicago. The only thing that might be able to save it is a private performance for the bank owners, who are thankfully not played by Tom Alter anymore. (Bollywood’s choice of token firang is now Katrina Kaif.)

But the show fails to convince the head honcho, who asks Cirque De India to pack up. A distressed Jackie pulls out a gun and pops himself, and we cut to the present, where Aamir is intently staring out a window. (Trivia: To prepare for this staring shot, Aamir went through a rigorous training regime that involved having eyes.)

First up, I’m just happy to see the return of Jackie Shroff (Latin for ‘Bhidu’) How can you not love a man who names his kid Tiger, knowing full well that his own name is Jackie? What are the Pomeranians in the family called? Rajiv? Also, Jackie’s last words, right before he shoots himself, are “Bank waalon, tumhari aisi ki taisi” which is so odd. Let’s face it – Jackie Shroff isn’t known for an insult like “tumhaari aisi ki taisi”. No, the man is the Picasso of cuss words and will create masterpieces that star your maternal aunt, a minimum of six body parts, three vegetables, one religious artefact and two types of farm animals. And that’s while saying hello.

Aamir’s tap dance in the opening song is great, because if you listen closely, you realise he’s stomping in Morse code that says, “Suck it Chennai Express!” There are also little pangs of Dark Knight nostalgia brought about by the Chicago setting. I half-expected Batman to walk in and help, especially since the cops offered keen insights as follows:

Bank Bigwig: Who committed the robbery?

Abhishek: All we know is, he was a thief.

Bank Bigwig: Wow. Who wrote this amazing dialogue? 

Abhishek: It was a writer.

Bank Bigwig: You’re from the CBI, aren’t you?

Abhishek: I LOVE LAMP!

The film takes the robbery theme seriously, because someone seems to have stolen all the heist sequences from the print. Seriously, all you ever see is Aamir fleeing a bank after the robbery. It’s like watching a porno where you see the woman open the door for the pizza guy, and then it cuts straight to the end, i.e. a crippling sense of shame and drowsiness.

They try and make up for the lack of this totally irrelevant detail – I mean who shows heist sequences in a heist film? – with the chase sequences.  There’s one where Abhishek drives a rickshaw, as a fitting tribute to his U.P roots. (He then refuses to chase the baddies because “Gas nahin hai gaadi dene ka time ho gaya hai”)

But my favourite is the one where Aamir rides his bike off a bridge and as he’s falling towards the water, the bike turns into a jet-ski, races along the surface and then dives underwater, y’know, as things that are designed to float often do. (Trivia: To turn his bike into a jet-ski, Aamir actually studied mechanical engineering under Optimus Prime.)

All this happens in the first half, which is the entertaining love child of Chris Nolan and Rohit Shetty. The second half goes full Yashraj, as a love angle takes sixteen hours to reaffirm the old adage of bros before ladies. At least I didn’t spend 900 bucks on the IMAX version. That version is called “Audience waalon, tumhari aisi ki taisi.”

(Note: This is my HT humour column dated 22nd Dec 2013.)

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55 responses to “Dhoom 3: Are You Watching Closely?

  1. live wont be similar for jackie shroff, if he read this,

  2. Read this in another Dhoom 3 Review – “I can already picture ambitious young screenwriters lining up outside [Aamir] Khan’s bungalow with easy-to-understand song-filled scripts titled Sapne Mein Sapna.”
    If you know what he meant.

  3. I loved all the small little digs you’ve made. I found the movie as dumb. Nice one, buddy!

  4. Hey mates how about making a new sketch with the Trailer of Transcendence as a reference and saying that Aditya chopra is actually a AI machine that recycles old hollywood scripts into Bollywood films.

  5. as epic as ever.. ! u r dude mr shakya. ! funniest review of Dhoom 3 (after one from The Hindu)

  6. “To turn his bike into a jet-ski, Aamir actually studied mechanical engineering under Optimus Prime.” Awesome. Brilliant.Genius xD

  7. Hey..
    This is really funny and for a shitty movie justified as well but “UP roots”…..come on not cool dude, seriously not cool!!

  8. When you say “General idiot for hire”, you should be PM.
    :I’m just happy to see the return of Jackie Shroff (Latin for ‘Bhidu’) How can you not love a man who names his kid Tiger, knowing full well that his own name is Jackie? What are the Pomeranians in the family called? Rajiv?
    :That version is called “Audience waalon, tumhari aisi ki taisi.”
    :We’re talking about people whose entire resume is ‘Once made eye contact with Ram Kapoor at a urinal’.)
    :I LOVE LAMP!

    You’re inspiring.
    But are you real

  9. U r simply the GOD of satire. Best. I always look up to your weekly dose of humor. And ur daily dose is always liked on twitter

  10. And PVR cinemas switched to this movie from The Hobbit: desolation of the smaug in their IMAX screens. BTW, does anyone know why they charge such high for a 2D in IMAX whereas a genuine 3D movie is screened in IMAX at the same rates?

  11. Why You are over analyzing it? It was quite an entertainer yaar! Why be so overtly critical!Though I agree with the batman repeat!:-P We turn blind eye when mission impossible and James Bond have such turnovers! Just take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy it yaar! Its a movie!

  12. “Aamir actually studied mechanical engineering under Optimus Prime” that was awfully funny.. 🙂

  13. Hahaha… my cousin’s 1st reaction was also same for the bike into jet ski, And his jet ski going under water thing is taken from Salman’s Partner and i didnt get y Katrina did this movie or wht she was doing in d movie? Whtever lil role she had she did good but wht role does she had? And best part of d movie was d thing Jakie shroff didnt wanted in his so called circus is the thing done by his son who actually r taking revenge for him.

  14. he refuses to chase the goon bcoz gas nahin hai…… lad the laptop bouncing off my lap!!!!!!!!!! take a bow!
    btw… blogged on the same topic… if you’d care to read it the link is
    kashmirasarkari@blogspot.com

  15. Mr.Shakya …you know what is funny when I read your article and the comments that follows that up …. The director works his ass of for 3 years just to make this movie (I am not saying it is a good movie ) and people like you trash it left and right in just 3 hours. The readers who reads this atricle , has an opinion that you are the coolest guy out there giving all this funny reviews and the director is butt of all jokes. But what they do not realise is that people like you and the critics are the lazy bunch who just sit in their air conditioned rooms and poke fun at others . The guys who do not have an achievement of their own and the only sense of achievement you get is by deriding others. My.Shakya I have nothing against you , but I am against your whole fraternity. If a Sunil gavaskar criticizes Rohit Sharma for his poor batting I respect that because Sunil gavaskar has earned his right and people respect his views. But it looks too funny when the readers are treating you as though you have achieved something. Now that you have made so much fun of the directors , lyricists, producers I dare you to make a film in your own. By the way the AIB video “Tonight parody about Yashraj ” I must say pathetic lyrics , a 5th grade student would have done a better job. The only saving grace was the music of tonight which again doesn’t belong to you. It is unfortunate, that people have to read reviews of a person who couldn’t make a 5 minute video without pirating the background music .

    • Roshan you don’t have to be a chef to dislike a dish and warn others about it. And you. Can do this even though the chef may have spent far more in preparing it than you did in tasting it.

      • That should read “And you can do this even though the chef may have spent far more in preparing it than you did in tasting it.” That was spell check doing its own thing. Am being careful not to criticize spellcheck since those who coded the spell check have studied programming for years and I know diddly shit about it.

    • thooko thooko… its just a viral peice… nothing to be taken seriously… the best part is the construction is really funny nd imaginative .. i m sure its not detering you frm going ahead nd watching the movie… so be it… they made it u watched it .. others laughed it… people r happy.. … they make their money… the show must go on

    • ya so everything is justified coz you put 3 years into the movie. You book out all the cinemas in the country so that everyone has seen the movie before knowing at all that the movie sucks outright! peddling mediocre stuff cant come with any excuses! And obviously according to you only a fellow director should criticize a movie. Full time critics should just go and kill themselves. A bad movie like this one in particular, is bad is bad is bad is just bad. And if I go into your moral high ground ways, do you know that there are a lot of artists, directors etc who put in a lot more than the morons who made Dhoom but don’t get anywhere thanks to the fact that all that it takes to make a movie hit these days is a big publicity budget.

    • Well the director did not spend 3 years doing charity. He intended to make a movie out of which he and his team can earn hundreds of crores. We have every right to criticize a movie after watching it because we are paying them to make movies for us. If its our money that they are using to make such pathetic movies, then they deserve to be told to make better movies.

    • He is not thrashing this movie, he is just trying to make out of which he saw on screen, thrashing would be like abusing the writer and actor, he is not doing that, and he knows his limits, he wont be doing that even in future, the problem with you is, if you think that ashish’s work is not good , why at the first place you tried to come on this page read it and comment why waste time over things whichyou wont like coz as it is he wont stop wiritng if you use cuss words here, and also you seem confused with the idea that ‘is this article influencing or not’ coz if it would have been then the world would be accepting this article and the movie would have thrown out of thetres, but its nowhere happening, its just fun for the sake of readers he is taking potshots on the storyline and the cast, whats the problem if he is successful enough in making ppl laugh by writing, you are jealous as you are saying him that make a film before criticizing, why don’t you write a sane blog or tweet something cool stuff which will gain you 30 k followers and n number of unknown readers like me to comment in defense for you, ‘you are no one to say anyone that you are no one’ coz you are hardly someone. ‘in a nutshell gaand mara le’

  16. tu bhagwan se kam nahin hai beta

  17. This peice was more entertaining than the movie, certainly funnier. Thanks

  18. You really do hate Andheri, don’t you? Do I sense a tragic back story here…something along the lines of “Andheriwaalon…..tumhari aisi ki taisi?” Enlighten us, please!! 😀
    Funnily enough, your review makes me want to watch the movie even more…

  19. Siddharth Muzumdar

    Truly hilarious.. 😀

  20. actually aamir studied mechanical engg. in 3 idiots. and then he came back and used his mysterious skills for robbing the bank 😛

  21. “the man is the Picasso of cuss words and will create masterpieces that star your maternal aunt, a minimum of…” – can’t stop laughing!

  22. Vinod S Muzumdar

    Absolute masterpiece ! Michelangelo of humour blending with hard-hitting caricature of D3. Made my day, Ashish…!!!

  23. I wish Aamir, Uday and Adi Chopra reads this… aisi ki taisi 🙂

  24. To give credit where it is due, the cinematography was top-notch. IMAX worthy…thought not 900 bucks worthy.
    And the prestige reference was overblown. Yes D3 does pick up pieces from the movie but it blended with rest of the stuff (I wouldn’t dare call it a ‘story’) better than 3 idiots did with five point someone references.
    As for the action sequences, hollywood makes us sit through Micheal bay crap….I found this movie far better than that for sure.

  25. You’ve got the gift of the gab man… …keep them coming…

  26. Only Sliver lining of Dhoom 3 is this review.”Ashish ,I tell you ,your review last night was mind blasting ,mind was blasting”..hahaha

  27. FUNNNEEEE… JUST very GOOOOD… D:3 is the best film of the series, which is like saying Kim is the smartest Kardashian. I LOVED THIS LINE… this is my Facebook update…

  28. The problem is that holiday is coming and only D3 is in the theater in huge number of screens. Thats why aamir did not even promote it. He knew people would be forced to watch it no matter what for which it would be hit. Also I have been hearing that even kids laughed like crazy in the theater. There you go, Chopras made a comedy film. In festive seasion, such a thing always does well. Just by watching the trailer, I was sure that it would make everyone laugh.

  29. THIRD CLASS MOVIE I GET VOMATING TYPE IN 10 MIN

  30. Spot on review. I was also so incensed that I immediately penned a few furious words about it on my blog as soon as I reached home

  31. Pingback: Dhoom 3 – Movie Review | Vida Manejo

  32. Reblogged this on The Empirical Relationship and commented:
    Had me in splits this one!

  33. Haha…damn nice – covers everything weird about the movie in the funniest way…

  34. Awesome review..every word you have written about the movie is true. One of the stupidest movie ever made. Hindi Cinema is getting worst day by day and can only improve when these big actors like Aamir, Salman, Shahrukh stop thinking that they are some sort of gift to mankind. When their bloated, swollen egos are deflated commercial cinema will gain its sheen back. It’s all about money for today’s Bollywood. Movie goers like us are bluffed all the time while bollywood laughs its way to the banks. Thanks to people like us these so called superstars drive around in their post BMW’s and Aston Martin’s… while we spend a part of our hard earned money on such crap!

    Dear Bollywood pls try and make original movies and Mr Perfectionist Aamir Khan pls do not act high and mighty like you are some mahaan aatma! Perfectionist tag has gone to your head!

  35. I went against my better judgment and watched the damn movie. My main beef with them is their laziness. I’m sick of the hindi film industry copying panache from hollywood while ignoring substance. Even the crappy hollywood movies aren’t unwatchable as this one was.

  36. No matter what we all may say …. D3 has broken all records to make 450 crores, now tell me who can make even 4 crores in 7 days.

  37. I am in love with the way you write. This article truly caught my eye. Kudos.

  38. you have a really great sense of humor… entertaining indeed…

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