Sachinnnn Sachin! ThumpThumpThump! Sachinnnn Sachin!

This column is pointless because Sir Lord Jedi King Of The World Mother of Dragons Sachin Tendulkar has retired and nobody cares about anything anymore, including my editors, which means that any rubbish I write will be printed MY HUMPS MY HUMPS MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS.

Before I proceed, I’d like to reaffirm my allegiance to the Church of Sachin and assure you that as a mark of respect, I am wearing my abdomen guard at half-mast today. In fact, I’m going to go out and have some kids right now, just so I can sacrifice them at the Altar of Aila.

Having said that, it was a little sad to see Sachin go out the way he did. He began his career in Pakistan, with Wasim and Waqar gunning for his head, and ended it against Whatshisname and Whatshisface from a team whose current ICC Test ranking is LOL. It’s like having Michael Schumacher end his career with a race against female drivers from Saudi Arabia.

But even so, Sachin’s last match was about something glorious, something much bigger than you and me: celebrities. Aamir Khan turned up and said that he’d love to play Sachin on screen. In fact, Aamir has already started preparing by having really whiny childhood friends. Rahul Baba was at the Wankhede too, where – and this is true – the crowd taunted him with chants of “Modi Modi”. There are two possibilities here:

a)     The chant is indicative of a real shift in voter sentiment across the country.

b)     The Wankhede crowd just wanted someone to mess with. These are the same people who, in the golden days, threw Nagma chants at Ganguly, so really, this bunch of overgrown sixth graders is hardly indicative of voter sentiment. However, they wouldn’t have taunted Modi with a chant, because it’s really difficult to put a beat to “Kodnani Amit Shah Godhra US Visa Hashtag Fail”.

Another celeb who received a lot of footage was Ultimate Sachin Fan Sudhir Gautam aka the bald guy with the tri-colour body paint, who attends all of India’s matches and looks like a malnourished Vinod Kambli. You can call him nuts, but I’m a little jealous of his enthusiasm. I wish I was as crazy and passionate about something, anything, as Gautam is about going out there day after day and getting lead poisoning from all that paint.

This is also the perfect time to catch up on Sachin trivia. My favourite nugget is that when Sachin made his debut in 1989, most of his current teammates were in diapers. For example, Virat Kohli was just a year old. But even at that age, his talent shone through as he picked up his little plastic bat and said, “TERI BLEEP KI BLEEP, BLEEP-BLEEP!” and then stalked the baby in the next pram.

(My own connection with The Master was forged at age six, when I asked for my first, proper big-boy bat and got one that just happened to have a legend’s autograph on it. I wasn’t really aware of player names then, but I was still over the moon, showing it off to the older boys in the park, whose reaction was, “Meh. Now go field.” That’s because it was a Sanjay Manjrekar autograph, which, as I realised, was like having a guitar signed by a groupie who’d once bumped into Ringo Starr.)

At Wankhede, the West Indians were just glorified bowling machines. Their job was to deliver balls to Sachin, who hit them sky-high, where they blossomed into unicorns and vomited rainbows all over the city. I’m okay with missing that, but I wish I could’ve been there for that farewell speech, because it has been a while since I bawled in public.

And of course, I wish I could be there for the after-parties. After a career marred by propriety and political correctness, I want to see Sachin go nuts the way he’s supposed to. I want to see him get sloshed and run around the room pretending to be a train. I want to see him hug Ganguly again while saying, “TU MERA BHAI HAI, BHAI!” thirty times in one night. I want to see Sachin scrunch up his face, bite his lower lip and do a tapori dance to Sapne Mein Milti Hai, just like every Maharashtrian man at a party ever. But most of all, I just want him to read the following: Dear Sachin, thank you for a lifetime supply of warm and fuzzy feelings in my happy place. Also, could you please autograph this old bat I have lying around?

(Note: This is my HT column dated 17th Nov 2013.)

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18 responses to “Sachinnnn Sachin! ThumpThumpThump! Sachinnnn Sachin!

  1. “whatshisname and whatshisface from a team whose current ICC Test ranking is LOL”. i laughed so hard I literally had a stomach ache for a min. Love the way you can overdose your words with so much humour. Keep it coming. 🙂

  2. This is guy is brilliant.Period.

  3. That last paragraph expresses every single fan’s feelings so neatly. Probably the only thing every Sachin fan would want to see (and I’m sure he wouldn’t be judged by anyone except a few attention-hungry jerks like Kambli, who obviously never got sloshed :P).
    Cheers.

  4. Hilarious. You are one of the best I have ever seen. And yeah “Thank you Sachin.”

  5. I’m still in splits after reading the line “…ended his career against Whatshisname and Whatshisface from a team whose current ICC Test ranking is LOL.”

    Bloody hilarious read! 🙂

  6. awesome read, one of the best of the 642386 posts i ve read about sachin in the past few days,, btw thank you MASTER.

  7. You would need to find a Nun from the CHURCH OF SACHIN, who would want to have babies with you while you are wearing your abdomen guard at half mast 🙂

  8. As usual, you were brilliant! Not so humorous, but even I compiled a tribute for the legend on my blog. Will miss him greatly.

  9. “that’s because it was a Sanjay Manjrekar autograph, which, as I realised, was like having a guitar signed by a groupie who’d once bumped into Ringo Starr.”,… hahaha.. thats classic

  10. Superb!! I loved every bit of this article! it ended a bit too soon 😀

  11. Loved reading this!

  12. “…scrunch up his face, bite his lower lip and do a tapori dance to Sapne Mein Milti Hai, just like every Maharashtrian man at a party ever.”
    EPIC.

  13. It is really not at all hilarious… In fact silly and perfect waste of time, nothing but a troll with space more than 140+ characters and some verbal diarrhoea, who tried puking all the the sarcasm in a single post….and others who are commensurate u belong to the KJo clan

  14. Good read. You are too good.. I belong to the crowd which chanted Nagma Nagma when Ganguly went about his fielding at Wankhede a decade ago.

  15. “Whatshisname and Whatshisface from a team whose current ICC Test ranking is LOL.”
    Hahahahahah! ROFL! LMAO!

  16. I love the fact that this post has managed to incense people 😀 I hope to be able to do that through one of my posts, some time in life. Though, no idea how would I achieve this, considering the fact that I write a ‘travel-blog’. Or may be, I can trying bashing “Spiti”, instead of putting a halo around it to begin with.

  17. I’ve always been a sachin fan, but, maybe it’s cynicism, he should have retired much earlier. His career should’ve ended on a high, not a makeshift test series against west indies because zimbabwe had another gig that week.

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