There Is A Krrish Inside You, So Call A Doctor

I watched Krrish 3 in a theatre packed with whatever you call those little humans that are composed entirely of Happy Meals, and the film can pretty much be summed up by the following conversation that I overheard:

Mother: It was –

Young girl: (interrupting) Awesome!

Mother: Absurd!

Young girl: Nooo. Awesome!

Mother: *puts child up for adoption*

Yes, kids will love this film, but then again, they also love to eat mud so what do they know? Having said that, Krrish 3 isn’t nearly as bad as the promos made it out to be, even though Hrithik refuses to ditch that raincoat made out of garbage bags. Seriously, every time I see his billowing lehenga, I imagine him tittering and trying to hold it down while Marilyn Monroe goes 6000 rpm in her grave.

This instalment actually has a story, which was written in collaboration with the writers of X-Men even though they don’t know it yet. Krrish battles Kaal (Vivek Oberoi), a telekinetic, quadriplegic genius who looks like the love child of Professor Xavier and Edward Cullen. Kaal has spent his life trying to cure his paralysis and in the process, has created a bunch of mutants that include Kaya (Kangana Ranaut), a shape-shifter who was designed using “girgit ka khoon”.

(See, that’s the problem with doing science-fiction in Hindi – certain terms don’t translate very well. For example, in English, a guy with ten arms is called a mutant, but in Hindi, he’s “INDIA TV EXCLUSIVE: JAUNPUR MEIN MILA DUS HAATH WALA AADMI SHOULD WE KILL HIM OR WORSHIP HIM I AM SO CONFUSED!”)

The trouble begins when Kaal needs to inflict a lethal virus on a large population and has to choose between India and China. Here’s how it plays out:

Kaal: Did you unleash our flesh-eating virus on China?

Kaya: Yes, but –

Kaal: But what?

Kaya: They made a soup out of it. It’s now an international delicacy.

Kaal: Dammit. Let’s hit Mumbai.

Kaya: We already put the virus in their water supply.

Kaal: And?

Kaya: The local BMC toxins pointed and laughed at it till it died of shame.

Kaal: What about aerial dispersion? Let’s poison the air.

Kaya: Bro let me tell you about Saki Naka…

Rajesh Roshan’s score is magical because it takes you back to the 90s, when Bollywood music could be clubbed into two categories, i.e. ‘Rickshawallah Favourites’ and ‘Sounds Like Macarena’. The Krrish 3 OST falls into the category of ‘I would rather be stabbed in the ears with Himesh’s tongue’.

My favourite was the super cool dance number, Raghupati Raghav Raja Ram which, like every other Bollywood song, has an African guy doing a fake Jamaican voice in the middle. It’s quite sad that a Bollywood dance number is the only place in India where a black guy is treated with respect. Everywhere else, it’s just a series of “Aye how much for coke?” and “Aila! Akon!” which is no way to talk about the American President. (His name is Tyrone.)

There’s also a giant Krrish statue that’s unveiled during a song called ‘God, Allah Aur Bhagwaan’, which made me turn atheist three times over. In a dramatic twist, it is revealed that the government spent 2000 crores on the superhero statue, as mandated by the Ministry of Hollow Pride Rox Poor People Can Suck It. Then a Prime Ministerial candidate claims affinity with Krrish, at which point the statue smacks him across the head and migrates to Mars. I’m glad that all this is just silly fantasy and would never happen in real life.

Towards the end, Kaal transforms into something that looks like Robocop – that is, if Robocop was assembled by blind monkeys using aluminium foil from your lunch box. Krrish and Kaal pummel each other while 9/11ing half the skyscrapers in Mumbai, which is ok, because they were guilty of FSI violations anyway. One of the buildings that gets destroyed looks like Antilla, so even Rakesh Roshan must think it’s ugly. That’s how you know you’ve failed – when you get a lesson in aesthetics from the man who made Koyla and King Uncle.

Krrish 3 offers some intense emotional moments as well, like the scene where you spot a garlanded portrait of Priety Zinta and shed a tear for the demise of the word ‘bubbly’.  They’ve also integrated a ‘Kids, do not try this at home’ message into the film, which is also what Hollywood said to us about superhero movies. For better or worse, I’m glad we ignored them. It’s what the X-Men would’ve done.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 3rd Nov 2013.)


66 thoughts on “There Is A Krrish Inside You, So Call A Doctor

  1. The robocop thing was what stuck me when I first saw the teaser…
    The second thing was hrithiks cheeks which tremble like china do when its tectonic plates shift around

  2. LMFAO…. very well written!! I hated it as much as you did!
    and you forgot to mention, when Hrithik Roshan (the father version) sacrifices himself to allow the sunlight to transmit through him, so that Krrish Jr. can Live. Insanity at Extreme

  3. Reblogged this on Bakky19's Blog and commented:
    “Yes, kids will love this film, but then again, they also love to eat mud so what do they know?” .
    O, Bollywood,Bollywood(and Kollywood too, actually *tries to forget Rajinikant knocking a goonda over , by blowing air at him – in style*) will you ever learn?

  4. Dude, I get the sense of humour, but to completely ridicule the movie is just lame on your part. Fair enough, the movie does have it desi cliches and sad puns and messages , but you still have to credit the work of the actors, specially Hrithik. Now you expect an Indian movie to outclass, out-think and out-budget the Hollywood Super-hero flicks (e,g X-men , Dark Knight, Avengers, etc. ), then get realistic. I can assure you, no other hindi movie will come as close as this when it comes to special effects for quite some time. So instead making a total mockery of the movie, just to get a few laughs in your favour, it would be good if you could even state the little positives that this movie could manage to have.But then,whose to blame you, your also just a regular couch potato who likes to mock other’s hark work & efforts just to gain some eyeballs for yourself. To be honest, it just makes you lame……

    1. Outclassing, out-thinking and out-budgeting the Hollywood flicks at the cost of quality was not the dish the fans demanded. Infact, the quality should have been even better as compared to other flicks that are being made for 1/10th of the budget but considering Rakesh Roshan’s track record it was expected.
      Despite India going Ga-Ga about HR’s Greek God looks, there hasn’t been a single performance (except Guzaarish maybe) where he has shown his acting prowess. Looks good, dances well but that deems him fit to be a Dance India Dance participant at max… Oh wait, I forgot he has an actor/director dad! Even the Akbar he portrayed in Jodha/Akbar suffered from the most unconvincing dialogue delivery from an emperor/ruler in any format of media bar print.

    2. Wait a moment !! Movies are commercial products. Fact. Period. We as movie goers pay for what we see. If I see something I find funny, I think I have the right to joke about it. The part about giving credit for someone’s efforts does not seem right especially since the objective of the film makers is to squeeze some moolah !! I honestly get your point but I dont think this is the right place to voice it. If you don’t like what you read, then go to some other page. If you have’nt noticed most of the readers share the same views as the authors and love his works, so spare us your thoughts.

      1. Sir, what moolah are you talking about that you think that you have write to voice your opinion? How much is it? Tens of thousands? Lakhs?
        Just a few hundred rupees right?
        Just by spending a few hundred rupees do you think you can demand an movie to have 100% entertainment?
        BTW, did the movie maker demand you or request you to spend on the movie and promise you for 100% entertainment? You spent it on your will right? Why do you think you have the write to criticize your work?
        Lets take this scenario.
        We pay lakhs and lakhs as tax to the Government. And Government promised to use it for public! There is a promise here, there is a mandate too. But we see scams amounting to thousands of crores being unearthed every other day!
        Did you ever voice your opinion publicly? Did you ever resort to writing anything on that on a blog or a website, mentioning the politician’s name?
        I am sure you didn’t and you wont. Reason?
        They are guarded by Law and Constitution! You have a fear that you would be sued and prosecuted!
        We attack this film maker who made you spend just a few hundreds of rupees! But then he neither promised anything nor given anything in writing about providing 100% entertainment.
        Why are so many readers criticizing him them? Because, he is not protected by any law or constitution against such remarks. Easy scapegoat.
        Makes sense?

  5. The point of Krrish is to make “100 crores” at the cost of giving us cheap laughable action which the otherwise sane and tasteful population would resent.
    The problem lies in the obstinate kids who enjoy this and would want to watch it over and over again. And we so love our kids, don’t we?

  6. Enjoyed your annoyance. Happened to share your misfortune of having had to watch the film. While one has to admit that it is a winner in more ways than one, I couldn’t figure out why a children’s film cannot be made without violence and bloodshed. What are we really teaching our kids by highlighting the long, gory, destructive fight sequences?

  7. awesomeeee… hilarious.. mindblowing !! havent seen krish but u just made me feel glad about not having wasted my money !! 😛 😛 😀

  8. Well, I find this article completely
    ridiculous…Indians can never get
    free from mental slavery of west
    where they HAVE to criticize every
    Indian work and worship every
    foreign work…Krishh 3 is thousand
    times better than Avenger and many other English super hero movies..


      You, sir, have made me laugh more than Shakya every could..

  9. Pulling other’s leg is easy task..Did you ever comment on Spiderman, Ironman, Superman, Hulk and Avengers. I know, you did not because you do not have guts (Aukaat). Why all these super hero thing takes place in America only lol…
    Just shut your mouth you cheap and see the success of Krish3..For your kind information, Krish3 is recorded in the list of record breaking movies…

    1. For that matter, even the likes of Bodyguard, Dabangg 1 and 2, Rowdy Rathore and Chennai Express are “recorded in the list of record breaking movies…”

      For a change, why don’t you shut your mouth as well and assimilate a bit of common sense?

  10. Raghupati Raghav is a bhajan, was fovourite of Mahatma Gandhi.

    Now, where is our bapu and where is the illiterate cheapo’s named Roshan’s.

    Thirdrate Indians have forgotten this and made a sleazy song of this.. I would like to throw a puddle full of shit on all the sub standard people who like this thirdrate sleazy song made up by bald idiotic Roshan.

    and you blogger, you said you like this song.. Do you eat shit bastard?

  11. Children don’t just love eating mud. They love eating Popcorn too, at the theaters. And this one is a popcorn entertainment. I am sane enough to distinguish between “mud” and “popcorn”. The real heartburn behind all the critics, who have ripped apart this movie’s content, is that they don’t like Indian movies attempting to match Hollywood standards. They want them to be distinct.
    I am ain’t a fan of this movie franchise either, but I would not write such a scathing review like this. Equally disheartening to see so many viewers commenting on this blog that this was the most hilarious moment in their life.
    Are all your lives deprived of humor?
    Wait – even before you attack my post or views! Why are you so worked up? Is that because I attacked your views/comments?
    When you people can’t withstand a criticism of your opinions (that really don’t have much value), then just think, what would go through this film’s maker’s mind who had invested his lifetime worth of money and effort in this project? This film is his baby!
    Would you all not kill me if I called your baby “muddy”, “rag picker” etc?

    1. “The real heartburn behind all the critics, who have ripped apart this movie’s content, is that they don’t like Indian movies attempting to match Hollywood standards.”

      If you think that the film DOES match Hollywood standards, well then, may God, Allah, and Bhagwaan, all three together, help you regain your brain..

      1. Thank you for your prayers. But I am an atheist!
        If you thought this movie didn’t match the Hollywood standards then fine, Are you entitled to do this mockery and criticism about the movie?
        I felt this review and the comments (supporting the review) didn’t match the decency levels!
        Am I not entitled to give you all the same treatment?
        Pray for yourself.

  12. Hey..seriously I had to get in to this movie ciz I had to wait for someone at the mall…The first thing that hit me the movie is thr Plane scene…the old guys abd kids in that just made it easy ti hate and then vivek oberoi comes in.and exactly how u thought of xmen my reaction was charles xavier+magneto+corpse bride+fake vampire all were at a party and they had a baby and this baby is born pissed and thats vivek… sums it up…im just searching for a krish band….or probably help a kabootar and get stuck in a wire so that I can get one …if u really wanna watch this as a comedy movie please do…it’s the spoof of of steel…the amazing spiderman…shaktiman..etc…if someone who is 12 and say this is a good movie…they need serious medical help…

  13. I can’t believe there’s a guy in one of these comments who believes “Krrish 3 was a thousand times better than Spiderman, Avengers, …” … dude, what stuff did you smoke?

    @Ashish Shakya Brilliant stuff, as usual.

  14. This is brilliant stuff. The Roshans and their team have undoubtedly put a lot of effort, but somehow our audience has outgrown the concept of preachers. And when a film is spoon fed to such an audience, they will rip it apart. Also, I agree with the guy who said “We as movie goers pay for what we see. If I see something I find funny, I think I have the right to joke about it.” So if we take a dig at a movie or Hrithik, its okay. Its you who has burnt a 300 rupee hole in your wallet, while he is earning millions. SO everyone who are taking this so personally, just know one thing, ‘itne taane maarne se, na hrithik ka kuch bigda hain, na usske baap ka, toh tum kyun itne touchy ho rahe ho lala?”

  15. The movie is a super-hero movie! Super-hero movies aren’t meant for “outgrown” audience. Ctiticise this on part with Hollywood flicks. There aren’t sane either. Stop eulogizing the west! Now. please don’t talk about money being spent! We waste money on many other things in life.
    Remixing “Ragupati Raghav” is not good. I agree. But this was done before, in Kuch Kuch Hota hai too! Another round of criticism is not required here.
    We are not preachers. We are just trying to do the same thing what you did!
    You criticized something, we are criticizing your “criticism”. We find your “criticism” blander than the movie itself 🙂 Lol….
    The way, you tried to highlight the need for restoring sanity in movies, we too are trying to do the same, trying to see some sanity going towards choosing better vocabulary and sensible figures of speech.
    And then I see someone using an expletive, “bast…d”! Too bad, isn’t it?
    I wouldn’t be too interested to get involved in all this. But then I got involved because someone has posted your review on Facebook and is trying to popularize this. If that was you, then my comment has a purpose. If you aren’t aware of that, then I am sorry. This blog is your personal. I have no business here.

  16. I am your fan… laughed my self to tears in office… with a bloody tie and a blood sucking suit on….. AWESOME… KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK… have your reviewed “JAB TAK HAI JAAN” by any chance?

  17. Love the review – spot on. Even if I have not seen the movie.
    But the review is overshadowed by some of the most inane and idiotic comments I have seen. Very thin skinned we are. There are guys who will hate criticism of Bollywood crap saying that we have to be proud Indians, but will not go into a local theatre and watch good regional cinema.

  18. Bro, you have no right to roast any movies. Yes, we all agree that it’s a sci-fi movie, but it’s aim is not to make all people happy…Now you will say that you like Namak Halaal movie, but what if I say that, that movie is just a rubbish except its PRO songs ?!?
    Wouldn’t it make you angry ?!?

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