In this fickle, ever-changing world, it’s good to know that there are some things that will always remain the same, like a majestic sunset, or Rekha’s age. Another constant that the world revolves around is the ability of our politicians to do something amusing and stupid, like when someone says that the dog ate their coal scam files, or when Rahul actually believes that he will win next year.
(Note to Modi fans: This does not mean that I’m one of you. I like these things called facts.)
(Note to Rahul fans: Aww. Hug?)
In keeping with this trend of inducing voter regret, the Shiv Sena took it upon themselves to hunt down a man in Kalyan because he allegedly
destroyed the lives of several thousand farmers in Maharashtra by selling them out to sugar barons made a Facebook post. This came as quite a shock – I didn’t know they had Facebook in Kalyan. The post was reportedly derogatory in nature to the man himself, one of the most legendary figures to ever hold fort at Shivaji Park, Ajit Agarkar. No, wait. It was about He Who Must Not Be Named Because Our Offices Aren’t Fireproof.
First of all, it’s hard to imagine that anyone would have anything negative to say about the man. How can someone like that inspire anything except a permanent state of genuflection? But happen it did, and the party’s IT cell was alerted, causing a flurry of activity as Orkut windows and Milind Gunaji erotica had to be minimised. The hunt was on. Police complaints were filed in Thane and BKC, but because constitutionally appointed law enforcement is for pussies, a mob of 300 party workers surrounded the house of the alleged perpetrator in Kalyan, in what has to be the worst adaptation of the graphic novel yet. But I get why political parties use mobs. It’s pretty much their signature move. If political parties had a resume, this is what it would look like:
Objective: To organise mobs.
Strengths: Organising mobs.
Anyway, the alleged culprit, one Dhananjay Pathak, wasn’t home at the time. But that’s okay – his wife and child were, and if a mob shouting threats under a four-year-old girl’s window isn’t justice, I don’t know what is.
Dhananjay Pathak surrendered, but he maintained that he hadn’t posted those comments and that maybe someone else had gotten hold of his account. To prove this, he pointed to a compromised status update that said, “I LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER’S NIPPLES!!!” He then told the cops that he was the vice-president of the BJP’s Kalyan unit, a claim promptly denied by a party spokesperson. The BJP disowned Pathak so quick that he now has to legally change his name to Advani.
So clearly, the moral of the story is, don’t live in Kalyan. Seriously. Nothing good ever happens in Kalyan. Have you ever read a news report that didn’t talk about something horrible happening there? The rest of city gets headlines like, “Rich people run over other rich people to get into Starbucks” or “Anushka Sharma accidentally inhales four molecules of food at restaurant opening, dies of shame”, whereas Kalyan gets something like
“New strain of rabies distracts residents from the fact that they live in Kalyan.”
(Fun fact: If you google ‘Kalyan’, the first autocomplete suggestion is ‘Kalyan matka’. For those of you from Colaba, ‘matka’ is a gambling system that is fuelled by your wife’s jewellery and despair. The search results link you to matka sites festooned with blingy gifs that look like they were directed by Sanjay Leela Bhansali. These sites also offer tips on how to win the matka lottery, i.e. “Look like someone from Satya”. At the bottom of the page is a link to “masala videos”, probably featuring the aforementioned guy from Satya making love to his white SUV.)
At the time of writing, there was still no clarity on who had really put up the FB post. But whoever it was, there’s only one way to ensure that it doesn’t happen again: send a mob to Mark Zuckerberg’s house. And remember, everything goes as long as it’s done in the name of Ajit Agarkar.
(Note: This is my HT column dated 20th Oct 2013.)