Indian Politics May Be Injurious To Sane People

Google celebrated its 15th birthday with a piñata doodle on its homepage, thereby overclocking the already melted brains of Candy Crush slaves. Whacking away at the hapless decoration, I realised that it was obviously a metaphor for the current state of Dr. Manmohan Singh. The only difference between the piñata and the PM is that the piñata is supposed to be passive.

In the ’90s, Dr. Singh was celebrated as the economic Superman who pulled the nation out from under the giant rock where it willingly lived. But people don’t have the same respect for ’90s icons anymore, as anyone who still wears dungarees will tell you. In 2013, Manmohan Singh is still a superhero, except he’s in a more Dark Knight kind of space, wherein he sits around wheezing, “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to become the guy who looks like he’s forever buffering.”

But even his most vocal opponents must acknowledge his formidable resume and academic achievements, such as becoming the only Punjabi to not go to Lovely Professional University. He turned 81 this week, which is not a cause for concern at all, because all the octogenarians I know are wonderful people, even if they sometimes forget to put on pants.

You know you’re having a terrible birthday when you have to spend it with your Pakistani counterpart, convincing him to implement pest control. I’d rather do phenyl shots than have to go through something like this:

PM: Mr. Sharif, Pakistan is the epicentre of terror –

Sharif: (fingers in ears) LALALALALALALALALA!

PM: Mr. Sharif –

Sharif: LALALALALA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

PM: Theek hai.

It was reported that Miss America, Nina Davuluri, would be specially invited to lunch with the Indian PM. I’m not sure how this helps anyone, seeing as how she’s American and wouldn’t know what to say to a man she only knows from hailing cabs in New York. It’s a cliched approach: An Indian leader’s in town, so let’s show him all the Indianness we have. We don’t do that. When Barack Obama came here, we didn’t make him hang out with Salman Khan’s accent.

Modi is clearly ahead on the birthday front, seeing as how Mallika Sherawat recently performed ‘Happy Birthday’ for him, in the musical style of a dying buffalo. The Congress can top this by roping in Sunny Leone, although she has apparently refused, saying, “Deep throat and all is fine, but politics would really upset my family.”

I quite enjoyed the drama around the Convicted MP ordinance that took place this week. First, the ordinance gets passed, with supporters saying, “Hey, at least convicted MPs won’t get any salaries or benefits while their appeals are heard in higher courts.” So sad. They’ll just have to live off the hundreds of crores that got them convicted in the first place.

Then Baba surprises everyone by having an opinion, saying that the ordinance that his own party had passed was rubbish, and that it should be torn up and thrown away. Suddenly, there’s a new good cop-bad cop dynamic between Baba and Manmohan Singh. I can’t wait for their buddy cop movie: Lethal Weapon Nirmaan Yojana.

Baba: Let’s mess things up! Let’s tear up some ordinances! Let’s crash at a poor person’s house! WOOHOO! YEAHHH! *crazy eyes*

Manmohan: I’m too old for this sh*t.

Meanwhile, the BJP received flak for celebrating Modi’s campaigning as ‘Operation Blitzkrieg’, the name given to Hitler’s invasion of Poland and the subsequent, um, road-building. Now why would the BJP use a name associated with death and destruction? I cannot think of a single possible reason. (As expected, Modi fans are busy looking for CDs of India’s only supremacist band, The Aryans.)

This was the amount of farce generated in just one week. Things are going to get increasingly bizarre now, which is great for humourists, because we get labelled as ‘paid media agents’ by all factions, depending on what jokes they choose to ignore. I honestly wish I was important enough to get paid by parties for infantile humour. Seriously, have you seen the rents in Bandra? I already sold one kidney, and I use the other as a pillow because I can’t afford furniture.

Jokes aside, as educated citizens, we would do well to put hysteria and pettiness aside and work together to answer the most pressing question of the day: How the hell do you cross 170 in that stupid doodle?

(Note: This is my HT column dated 29th Sep 2013. Cross-posted from here.)

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19 responses to “Indian Politics May Be Injurious To Sane People

  1. nice column….not the potty humor types!!! like it!

  2. Well Written.
    The conscience of a nation gets over its hangover best when slapped around by satire. With so many 80 yearolds running the nation I think the best that can happen today is that Parliament runs out of Sugar Free or lifts stop working.

  3. Crossed 200 in that stupid doodle! Chew on that for the rest of the week!

  4. Hoping u reach 170 in that stupid doodle before the Modi Blitzkrieg strikes u!

  5. Super awesome! So enjoyable!

  6. I don’t know how you do this week after week, but you make my day..

  7. You are hillarious Ashish.. Amazing read 🙂

  8. forever buffering …… LOL..

  9. “Deep throat and all is fine, but politics would really upset my family” couldn’t stop laughing …. how do you think of this stuff? oh wait you are a guy thats all you think of!

    Jokes aside great stuff.

  10. Deep Throat and all is fine, but politics would really upset my family 😀 😀 😀

    Was laughing so hard, that my boss is probably on his way to fire me right now 😛

  11. “India’s only supremacist band, The Aryans.”
    The irreverence just shot through the roof. Epic. 😀

  12. That was great fun! Funny the BJP did not think of Operation Juggernaut – which would have also been symbolic for them considering that Juggernaut owes its origins to the Chariot of Jagannath. Blitzkrieg, forsooth! 🙂

  13. Super..laughing out loud :)))))

  14. The Aryans are also from the ’90s, no? Proves the whole “No respect for ’90s icons.”

  15. By not allowing the stick to go too far back.

    Oh. By the way, “forever buffering”, HA.HA.F**KING.HA!

  16. Pingback: Tangy Tuesday Picks - Brilliant posts written by Indian bloggers.

  17. Very well written. Has humor and content perfectly amalgamated. Loved Salman S accent liner.

    http://neoimaginations.blogspot.com/

  18. This post has been selected for the Tangy Tuesday Picks this week. Thank You for an amazing post! Cheers! Keep Blogging 🙂

  19. Mallika Sherawat recently performed ‘Happy Birthday’ for him, in the musical style of a dying buffalo. ..funny

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