To Boldly Go Where No Indian Has Gone Before…

Every once in a while, I feel like getting out of my comfort zone and doing something totally wild, like sleeping with the AC at 22 instead of 24, or going into outer space. The latter doesn’t happen too often – just when I read the news. But there are Indians who are more driven and have actually signed up to go to Mars as part of the Mars One project, which aims to establish permanent human settlements on the Red Planet by 2023. Indians are reportedly in high demand for their core technical skills that will be vital in space, such as breeding.

20,747 Indians have signed up for permanent relocation to Mars. Unfortunately, Mulayam Singh is not one of them. (This makes sense. What would he do there? It’s not like Mars has riots that need to be mismanaged.)

The Mars One project, which has received more than 200,000 applications, is a privately funded program that needs six billion dollars for the initial mission, part of which it plans to raise by turning the whole process into a reality show. Wow, I didn’t realise that Roadies had such a huge budget. I can’t wait to watch the first episode, with Raghu going, “SAALE TU MARS PE JAAYEGA B******?? MARS TERE BAAP KA HAI?? I SHIT ASTEROIDS, YOU B*ST**D!”

India ranks second in the number of applications sent, behind 47,654 Americans who want to bring democracy to Mars. China comes in third with 13,176 applicants, all of whom began training when they were foetuses, and are now skilled at constructing Mars stations that are also foldable mp3 players. Pakistanis are not in the top 10 list of nationalities that have applied, because if they wanted to live on a hostile piece of land cut off from humanity, then the joke writes itself. But we’re told that Pakistan will send its own private mission to Mars, once it figures out how to attach rockets to a rubber dinghy.

I’m really curious to see how this pans out. Indians have had a long and fascinating relationship with the science of outer space, because all our gods live there. There’s still a lot of whittling to be done before the first team is decided on, but the Indians have already gotten in on management quota. The trip will be a little different with our people on board. Imagine them all strapped in, as Mission Control does the final countdown sequence:

“10… 9… 8… 7…”

“Aye mission control, I’m bored yaar.”

“Huh?”

“Chal na, baithe baithe kya karein, karna hai kuch kaam, shuru karo antakshari, leke space ka naam!”

This is because Indians are genetically incapable of sitting in moving vehicles without breaking into song. This will be followed by the world’s first outer-space game of Rummy, which was invented to teach counting to Punjabi kids. Within five minutes of the launch, one Indian aunty on board would go through the first mission checklist, i.e, “Beta, where are you from? What does your father do? Are you married? Why not? Are you manglik? Here, eat these six dabbas of achaar that I just made while judging you.”

But the first images that the team sends from Mars will be incredible. Just imagine the first humans on Mars, smiling at us, nothing behind them but a red, unexplored landscape emblazoned with the words ‘SUNNY LOVE PINKY’.

I’d also like to see India react to this development. We’re the people that start dancing in the streets when we learn that some senator in the States once had chicken curry and loved it even though he pooped fire for six days. So if some Indian does set foot on Mars, things are going to go a little nuts. The UPA will claim responsibility for his success, because without them, an Indian wouldn’t have to go to Mars to find a job. LK Advani will start talking about space, based on his personal experiences during the Big Bang. Meanwhile, Modi fans will find a way to make this about him, by sharing pictures online:

Fan: YOU SEE THIS NICE SMOOTH HIGHWAY SYSTEM? THIS IS NOT SHANGHAI. IT IS OUR VERY OWN AHMEDABAD HIGHWAY.

Normal Person: Dude, those are the rings around Saturn.

Fan: SHUT UP SICKULAR PAID MIDDIA WE ARE ALWAYS PEACEFUL SO I WILL KILL YOU.

At some point, a bill will be passed to rename Mars to Shri Rahul Gandhi Alien Vikas Yojana. And then we’ll learn that Mars is actually owned by some Vadra person. This is the point where I feel like going to Mars. Come along. Bring achaar.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 15th Sep 2013. Cross-posted from here.)

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38 responses to “To Boldly Go Where No Indian Has Gone Before…

  1. BAM!

    You make me cry with laughter while my foreign flatmates stare at me in mild bewilderment as I try to explain the achaar.

  2. Funny funny funny!

  3. That was a wonderful trip. Hope the organisers take the entire Times Now team (on the free media quota) to cover the event……..and leave them there for good.

  4. I hate you dude!! I just took a bath and was sipping coffee when I started reading this. I ended up spilling coffee all over my shirt!! damn man! brilliant!!

  5. Absolutely love this article. All your articles (filled with sarcastic humour) are hilarious.

  6. Reblogged this on Stoicobserver and commented:
    this guy is epic

  7. F.R.I.E.N.D.S happened in the wrong era. You should’ve written dialogues for Chandler Bing.

  8. Hilarious. I think the Pakistan jab is in poor taste though.

  9. Rahul Gandhi Alien Vikas Yojna………….Ahmedabad Highway…….this post had me in splits 😀

  10. LKA and big bang. ROFL 🙂

  11. “Shuru karo antakshari,leke space ka naam “,Sunny loves Pinky , sickular paid MIDDIA references were crackers…. Try some karela aachar and do post it’s results…I am also manglik and yes ,i have applied for Rahul Gandhi Manglik Vikas Yojna 🙂 Ho raha bhaarat nirmaan ! Just for your info, rahul baba shits comets not just tiny asteroids….!

  12. I wonder if there even will be quota reservations

  13. Has anyone told you that you are not funny?

  14. Ahhhh never a time you dont make me laugh so loud that everyone in office thinks Im a retard.
    BTW you were fabulous at Canvas laugh factory last night!

  15. *Takes aachar which was offered, knowing that she will be judgedfor doing so*

  16. Hahaha the Modi and Rahul Gandhi references are priceless! 🙂

  17. … if they wanted wanted to live on a hostile land cut off from humanity… HAHAHAHAHAHA….

  18. I dont understand the genre. It isn’t funny, satirical or informative. I guess you should try delving more into details of one specific topic. Keep writing. It is a critical feedback so don’t get dejected.

  19. Is it at all possible for you to be my writing Guru? 😛

  20. For all you know Ashish, the country with the third biggest number of applications would have already set aside some seats to be given away to the country that “doesn’t even appear in the top 10 list”.

  21. You really got it going towards the end! I chuckled through the first half but screamed out laughing at the Modi-highway-sickular middia part. Good stuff!

  22. excellentness has been achieved, my brother.
    Thankings from bangalore.

  23. epic and tats the truth 😦

  24. When the spaceship starts, Indians will loudly say, ‘Zor se bolo, Jai mata di’. 🙂

  25. Antakshari or Antarikshari?

  26. Ashish, I laughed out loud the entire time I was reading this. It’s one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a long time. And a big thanks to Mimmy Jain for reposting this.

  27. ‘SUNNY LOVE PINKY’, Hahahaha 😀

    And the antakshari, hilarious!

  28. “Well,” says Vinod, “she could come after me.” And adds, “I have to go. The answers to the secrets of the universe will not be found here.”
    .
    .
    http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/science/Meet-the-Indians-going-to-Mars/articleshow/23002374.cms

    this article can give you a run for your money!! no, not really!

  29. Reblogged this on The Romantic Realist and commented:
    Hilarious as always!

  30. Lovely article really enjoyed while reading this

  31. sucky cheezy and stereotypical humour….wasted like 3 minutes behind dis retarded article

  32. Wish i could write like you .. Kya khato ho Chavanprash . just kidding 🙂

  33. Hahahahaha! ‘Sunny loves Pinky’!! Didn’t see that one coming! Will love to meet you someday…soon! Way to go stupidusmaximus!!

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