This was an exciting week of football as Chelsea, Barcelona, Bayern Munich and Real Madrid battled it out in the semi-finals of the Champions League for a shot at the ultimate prize – a Rajya Sabha seat. So you can imagine my reaction when faced with this giant selection of sporting awesomeness. I believe my exact words were *burp*.
That’s because I can’t bring myself to follow sports, despite this being a clear violation of the Man Code, which states that “A man must devote a part of his life to following at least one major sport, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, until woman do them part using sexy lingerie, making it a win-win situation.”
It’s not that I don’t appreciate sport. I just can’t be bothered with the commitment that it takes to support a team. Take club football, for example. It’s great in theory – some of the world’s finest footballers, in peak physical and mental form, come together to showcase their agents’ negotiation skills. But have you ever tried listening to a bunch of hardcore football fans discuss the game? The clichés that abound would put Ravi Shastri to shame faster than a tracer bullet. For example:
“We have a strong chance this season.”
No, you don’t. There’s an elite squad of athletes that gets paid millions to boink supermodels, while taking occasional breaks to kick a ball around, and they have a strong chance. All you have is an opinion, which will affect the outcome in the same way that my nads affect tidal activity.
“ARGH! How can the manager be so stupid? I can’t imagine what he’s thinking!”
That’s right. You can’t. He’s someone with years of experience, and despite that, he may still make errors of judgement, just like anyone else. Your qualifications, on the other hand, include buying an overpriced jersey that you wear while indulging in strenuous physical sports, such as lifting fries to your mouth.
“Manchester United for life! EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS!”
Calm down. You’re from Mulund. The last time you went to Manchester was never. But it is heart-warming to see you swear allegiance to a place that you cannot point out on a map, and this really makes you stand out. You should get a barbed-wire tattoo to go with that.
Another manly action-packed sport that I find deathly boring is Formula One. Again, it’s great on paper – mathematical harmony embodied in a logic-defying beast that roars down the course at insanity miles per hour, causing Mother Nature to touch herself inappropriately. But in real life, it’s just a bunch of identical cars going around a track again and again and again and again. And then, tyres are changed. Breathtaking stuff. I’d much rather eat cement.
I’ve realised that the only time I’ve actively followed sports on TV was when I was playing the sport in question. So over the years, I’ve followed cricket (including county matches that had a live audience of three, counting the village pigeon), basketball, badminton, swimming and pool, which is awesome because you can play it while drinking beer. I even had a chess phase in school. Chess isn’t a real sport though. It’s as much fun as watching old people put in their dentures. Anyway, going by the ‘Follow What You Play’ logic, the only sport I should be watching right now is ‘Drunk people bitching about life while getting fat’.
One sporting event that I’m really looking forward to though, is the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Plans are being made to go to Brazil and follow the big matches, while getting in some travel on the side. A live event – and a World Cup at that – is bound to be spectacular. I bet Manchester United will win.
(Note: This is my HT column dated 29th April, 2012.)
Ashish Shakya 
While superb for noting typically nothing true about football in general, Congratulations in proving yourself a Big General Retard who has an opinion on football like everyone else you are deriding up there.
That was so funny I almost pity you for it! Although It’s heartwarming to see your attempt at something you do not understand an iota of.
Keep up the good work though. Best of luck with ‘Drunk People bitching about life, or lack of it, and other people’s lives while getting fat.’.
Dont mind me.. Ill be in front of the TV enjoying the sport I love watching while typically screaming ‘Manchester United for Life!’
I would take your views more seriously were it not for the fact that you’re responding to jokes about something you care about, as opposed to the actual merit of the column. The fact that you disagree with me means nothing. It is expected, and welcome. But it’s funny when people get angry about a humour column.
P.S. Before you throw my jokes back at me, in what you think is a comeback, please look up ‘self-deprecatory humour’.
The reply itself is to the merit(?) of the column. The fact that I care about the content is reflected in the fact that I rose above my lazy inertia to actually comment. Its funny when people think every general opinion written with above average wit can be termed ‘humour’, or is it?
And before you point out me throwing jokes back at you, please look up ‘Do I look like I care?’ If you look it up in Google Image Search, the one with the owl in it mirrors my expression.
Yes, you don’t care about comebacks at all. It is quite evident from the flurry of comments and counter-comments you left just minutes after the post went up.
Was your mother mean to you when you were a child? I get this vibe that you were one of those babies people liked taking candy from
I get this vibe that you’re proving my point about idiots.
+1 haha
Hence, Disproved.
Dammit.
Template: Replace X with whatever you prefer. Religion, Band, Team, Animal, Ice Cream Flavour.
“The First Rule of X club – Have a favourite X”!
This was an exciting week as people genuinely interested in X posted about their love for it as different types of X battled it out for the prize – Something totally unrelated! I hope you lol’d! Loll!!!!111oneoneone!
But I cannot bring myself to be mainstream because I am too cool for that! Like a salmon! Get it? Mainstream? Lol!!111!1!! I will not try and understand why people like something and derive joy from it, I’ll just burp! Because I burp at things I don’t understand! Like magnets!
“X has a good chance of winning this year.”
No, X doesn’t. Because X isn’t actually X, it’s just a supermodel who does a bit of Xing on the side. I am a supermodel who tries to write funny once in a while. All you have is an opinion. And opinions are wrong to have because they serve no higher purpose. BRB Maxim called.
“ARGH! How can the (authority of X) be so stupid? I can’t imagine what he’s thinking!”
Exactly. What have YOU done, stupid reader? Do not criticise Michael Bay and Kanti Shah until you have made movies yourself. Do not laugh at Bieber till you have a chart hit yourself. Do not judge, re. It takes so much of effort to do something, why do you want to ruin it just by having an opinion? Why not try and (make X) instead?
“Brand X for life! EVERYONE ELSE SUCKS!”
Calm down. You’re from (insert suburb here). The last time you went out of the country was never, so stop swearing allegiance to places you’ve never been to. Never been to Delhi? Support the Daredevils? Aww. That’s wrong.
Another thing I don’t understand is Y. I also assume that since I can;t understand it, everyone who sees beauty in it must be an idiot. Picasso was a fag, screw classical music, and who the hell is Mozart?
But I’m really planning to go to Wrestlemania this year. I’m sure Ron Paul will win Get it? Hahahaha!!!!
Nice job, dude. I really hope you were trolling. If yes, I respect you. If not, then fuck me because I am not a comedian and thus not worthy of commenting on the divine humour of yours.
Well done in deconstructing what is essentially a standard humour column. You must be tired. Do you want some water? Electrolytes? No? Ok.
Also, congratulations on finally applying The Annoyed Reader Comment Algorithm:
1. Read humour column
2. Chuckle / Laugh / be indifferent as long as the subject matter doesn’t piss all over your interests.
3. If not, counter it with a regular angry comment or (tadaaa!) use the never-before-seen quote-column-and-spoof-it approach.
4. Be astounded at the fact that someone can not give a shit about the things that you like.
5. Be even more amazed that someone can make jokes about your interests.
6. Outrage.
7. Wipe self.
Purely academically, we have come up with two verbose algorithms. This might make someone else chuckle.
Purely critically, you have better work than this.
Purely observationally, too much passive aggressive in there, otherwise good reply.
Shakya, your ass got handed to you on a platter there. A pretty big platter it must be, I suppose. HipsterSalmon perfectly summarized your whole career in just one simple post. Good luck trying to break out of the template henceforth.
It’s kind of boring to see people defend crap saying it’s humour. You are not funny, get over yourself. There’s satire, there’s parody, and then there’s your brand of “humour” – painful drivel misconstrued as humour and adored by braindead teen girls who think Sajid Khan movies are funny. The “MAI FAVRATE PART WAS WEN HE SLIPPE ON TEH BANNNANA PEAL LOLOLOLOLLL” types who form the majority of your essential “fan base”, the ones who make you feel that you matter.
This isn’t a criticism of this article alone. Your writing style revolves around beer/BJP/obscure celebrity references. It’s only funny for the first 19,484 times. Go and look for a career change instead of living through this embarrassment every day.
Oh noes! Somebody spoofed something I made! This can mean only one thing – my work is worthless and I should quit, because nothing that is good can ever be spoofed, right? And I like your generalization about the beer/BJP jokes as well. My inability to go beyond those must surely be the reason for my multi-faceted career. If only I could achieve higher goals, such as getting online and anonymously summarizing and delivering verdicts on careers I do not understand completely…
And you’re right about my ass. It is pretty big. Thankfully, that doesn’t stop your mom from eating it out.
I can point Manchester on the map and i Live in Mulund . Still cant bring my self to follow football. Its so SLOW
Off topic, try watching some offbeat sports like Lacrosse. They’re really fast!
Ty golf also.. riveting!
Funny article, really well written. But the humour element aside, I think your logic is flawed. By your logic, I shouldn’t be watching movies if I haven’t tried my hand at acting. Or I shouldn’t be cooking for fun if I don’t make aloo bhindi at least 4 times a week. Some activities are meant just as a pastime. Nothing more, nothing less. If you were indeed a fan of a sport(say football), you’d know watching a football match over a few beers is a great way to spend your time ! Slight Aakar Patelism in this article, I’m afraid.
Not attacking you or anything, just an opinion from someone who genuinely likes what you write. Well, usually at least. Good day !!
You’re confusing me with someone who actually wants everybody to agree with him, or someone who wants his opinion to be considered gospel. Dude, you could cheer for the Under-13 Siberian Midget Bobsledding team if you want. I don’t care. This piece is not about me telling people what to do, but my reaction to the things I see around me. What people cannot fathom here is that my reaction to the things they like – religion, sport, TV, film, politics – may be very different from theirs.
Don’t watch it man. Nobody’s forcing you too. For us, afficionados Sport is a break from the constant tension of life, and it brings people together like nothing else. If you want to sit on a couch and drink beer and play snooker, go ahead.
Think about it another way mate, nobody from your apartment block will come for your funeral, but a whole nation turned up for Ayrton Senna. If you think F1s just a bunch of identical cars going around a track again and again and again and again, I suggest you go and WATCH one of them, in Delhi this year?
Ha,but how will you? A jobless fuck like you, surely can’t shell out the minimum 3.5k for the ticket.
People turned up for Sathya Sai Baba’s funeral also. Does that mean I should become religious? Your logic is flawed. Also, that comment about the jobless fuck not being able to afford the 3.5k ticket was very classy. It’s like you really want to be a Delhi caricature.
Dude, there is no point bringing sathya sai baba into this, the level of discussion here has sunk to horrendous levels. So keep certain things out of this and Just stick to the topic.
Having said that I would like to give you a free advice, whether you accept it or not is upto you. When you say that you don’t understand why people from mulund support manchester utd, it is one thing. But when you ridicule them in the way you have done, people are going to get angry. Yes, I watch american football. The game where all they do is shove and push, which is so slow that it takes ages for the ball to advance a few hours. But I like that and watch it and it doesn’t matter what others think of it. You might not approve of everything I do, neither will I approve thing you do. However, we can respect each others choices. You have chosen not to, which is still alright because this piece is supposed to be humor, but having started it all, show some class and accept the criticism as something legimitate from people who don’t get your humor or a rant from some angry guy. Either cases don’t call your readers stupid. That is insane.
Hahaha. I liked this one! Especially with my own efforts at trying to gauge whats the big deal with spectator sports. And I confess, I fail to understand the obsession . I would follow a world cup once in a while , but its a personal choice , isn’t it? Why is everyone getting so ruffled?
Its like, you are an atheist? You don’t get God. Fuck you . o.O…Invalid argument all in all.
No people are getting ruffled because this guy is like “dude, I am an atheist and that is so cool. What? You believe in god? That is so lame man. How can you? Have you ever seen god? How do you know he is all powerful and all that stuff they say about him? Have you ever been to heaven? No, I’ll bet a billion bucks that you will die before you reach there”. Fine if you don’t understand sports that is your loss. Being smart is fine, just avoid being oversmart. You might be cool, but don’t think that people who don’t do same things as you are morons.
I love sports, but this piece was reaaaally a greaatt funny take on sports, no harm done, to me at least ! i enjoyed it thoroughly! keep it up Shakya !
I am a MU fan myself, but the article was hilarious and provocative!!! Keeo at it Shakya!
Seriously, Looking at the comments above, its time you restrict access to this blog with a a lil complicated username password shit so that the idiots can stay out.
The article is Hilarious, though a repeated topic but the way its written is bound to make anyone laugh. Hats Off.
PS: I rose above my lazy inertia to just say ‘YOU ARE BRILLIANT’, so that you can keep writing/performing good stuff; irrespective of what some idiots who don’t understand humour, thinks about you.
Cheers
Ashish,
I understand what you’re saying and I agree with it ! You are totally entitled to your opinion and you’re entitled to make fun of the fans who froth at their mouth during a football match. All I’m saying is it looks like you’re making fun of things you clearly(you say so yourself) know nothing about. Articles that wind people up generally receive such responses, so why are you getting so defensive? All people are doing here are trying to get that through to you. Isn’t reader feedback one of the most important things for a writer? I like your brand of humour, but don’t agree with what you say. Is that not possible?
Anyways, looking forward to your articles in the future.
MM
Dear All-Who-Get-Offended,
Please do not read the column if you get offended. There are other better and important things and issues to get offended, why don’t you all go and demonstrate there !!!!!
Wow. And here I thought it was just me getting all the hate on the internet. Clearly not.
It seems these days to have an opinion, especially one that’s not shared by the majority, is some kind of cardinal sin. And if you’re going to be funny about it, man, you better get some life insurance out.
This post was funny and scathing, Ashish. And no amount of crap from thin-skinned cowards who hide behind anonymity, is going to change that.
After Reading a Humorous column like this,
its more fun to Read People who are upset with their life and try to vent out all their anger on Posts which do not involve them or say anything about them in particular.
Mr. Ashish, Your Column was amazing, But seriously, The Comments are better, I litreally fell off my chair while reading what those dumbass’s had to say.
Way to Go with the column and AIB. #Respect
Nicely put, Ashish. I’ve always been pissed off by the way people have criticised relatively lesser players, completely overlooking the fact that the toil they have put in over years is something the viewers have never achieved anything close to. Hence, phrases like “Aakash Chopra sucks” or “Marchant de Lange doesn’t quite make the cut” irritate me to a serious extent.
Additionally, I really find it hard to support teams from a place I do not hail from and play a sport I never do. Hence, the only teams I have ended up supporting have been the Indian national cricket team, the Bengal Ranji team and the East Zone Duleep team (I have spent several college days watching Ranji at the Eden Gardens while my peers were making their most with girls on the college canteen rooftop and equivalent locations, or even more bizarrely, studying). I have admired random people like Federer and Lance Armstrong,but never really got to SUPPORT them. And IPL doesn’t count.
And Formula One is as boring as it gets. The only memories I have of car-racing viewership is a sound that goes like VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV.
Not everyone who watches a sport or follows a team religiously, is a fool, Mr. Shakya.
Very well written, the the sarcasm/ wit is in good taste. Let’s just say that I couldn’t agree more with everything you said expect for one thing. That being – ‘ Arsenal for Life – Manchester will sink once Fergie time is over!’ Lol.
Once again, good stuff! 🙂
This article is pretty hilarious. Can notice that most of the people here can’t understand humour. This guy Anuj Damani must be really having a bad day. Ashish, have to confess that their replies were more hilarious 😉 keep it coming Ashish, you are doing a great job !
Guys take a chill pill. You are reacting , let me tell it via a joke
A producer was standing outside The movie hall , a fan came out and congratulated him “”Hey ! Congrats, your film is a Hit by fans reactions, everyone is coming out from the hall laughing !!! Then why are you looking so Gloomy ? “”
Producer: Thats exactly my problem ! I made a Tragedy ! ”
Ashish my sympathies go for you, the guys are reading humour like a Rabid Civil Society protester.
Nice one this
The point is following a sport which has no practical presence in the country, THESE DAYS ( during my youth it was quite popular, with Rajasthan Police, JCT Phagwara , Mohun Bagan, East Bengal, Mohemedan sporting playing to packed houses) is laughable.
These ” SO CALLED ” fans just watch it to keep up with the Jainses,
In A PUB/Drawing room WITHOUT KNOWING ANY NUANCE OF THE GAME. These fans are no brainers. If you were a real fan, you would know names of 60 players + Indian players.
I doubt anyone here would know who Paolo Rossi, Franz Beckenbauer , Roger Milla or Johan Cruyff or Gerd Muller or Lothar Mathaus 😀
At the best these Laughable fans, who follow Football & F1 to impress girl friends, by wearing T-Shirts & Watching Football in Pubs just because they have loads of Money, like one guy above commented 🙂 ” you’d never be able to afford to “BUY” a 5000 ticket ! ” Stupid.
They keep track of WAGS and escapade, rather than what Offside is
for them a Goal is how many times Ashley Cole did Cheryll or David Beckham .. Rebecca Loos (anyone knows who she is ? )
I doubt
Know Ayerton Senna, Jack Nicklaus, Seve Ballesteros or George Best is.
What @stupidusmaximus has written is only truth and bitter truth
Well done maite
I am a crazy F1 fan and a football fan. All kinds of sports in fact. and I don’t see why people are over reacting to this post! It is really funny! 😀 I totally agree with the Man Utd for life part…I hate that club only bcoz of its fans!
So Mr. Menon, pls give credit to some sane sports fans too 😉 Not everyone follow it to “keep up with the Jainses”, as u put it 🙂
Not everyone sits in a drawing room or pub to watch games…I’ve been to stadiums and racetracks whenever I can afford it..but I’m one of the lucky few. Yes, there r many who have no idea abt the intricacies of the game..but I feel it is unjust to taint everyone with the same brush, especially since I really found this blog post funny and so many facepalm moments when reading comments from certain morons who got offended.
Great blog post and your observations are spot on Shakya, tho I disagree with the part about f1 being boring. But tht of course, is an opinion and I respect yours, chrs!
Funny 🙂 Some of the fans above may not see the point in this because maybe they’re truly so into football or because sometimes self-realization comes in the form of a humour column 😉 In any case, one doesn’t have to play football or be a MU-tard to comment on the mania around it (comic and tragic at the same time, IMHO). I mean, lookit these guys commenting here, they don’t understand humour, they’re here spewing opinions anyway. Peace out.
Note to the author: well written.It makes sense.
Just to be clear this is just a blog isn’t it. Why are people taking it personally? If the people who are commenting have some substance write your own blogpost instead of disgracing the blogger world with your ridiculous comments.
I have literally never had this much fun reading comments. This is even better than Krish Ashok’s Futurama meme, thus proving that sport and religion inspire more or less the same levels of insane zeal. Heck, I once got almost beaten up for calling cricket pointless.
@Ishan SenSarma: It’s *except* not *expect*
Awesome read…was literally rolling… 🙂
LOL .. your comments have gone to the Krish Ashok Blog levels.. madness !!
Fun read! Keep them coming Ashish….as for the crazy guy commenting, I actually dont mind his presence.
After reading a really funny post, it kinda feels nice to laugh at that crazy gu’s stupid comments 😛
Your post was funny but the comments left by die hard football fans was hilarious. I suppose they buy into their own adulation of a team so completely that it becomes an essential part of them. Hence, the feeling of being attacked and their need to defend themselves through the sport they follow. I must say though, your last para was something of an anti-climax! Also, I particularly related to your comment of how some people support Manchester united but have never stepped foot in Manchester (or the UK!). It’s part of the herd mentality so many people have. Like anuj damani – the guy who went ballistic on ur post! Haha.
guess ashish Jinxd it.. manu never gonna win it..
Superb !
Most of the reasons, as to why anyone would feel the adrenaline rush while sitting on a couch & watching random grown-up guys run after a ball is beyond me…nicely written.
The awesome/awkward moment when the comments are as amusing as the blog spot.
There’s also , the newer and disturbingly accepted hoe code,though.
You shall follow the club the man of your dreams you are currently besotted by has pledged his allegiances to. AND pretend to be as enthused by the game playing even though you’re secretly visualizing all the duck faces you could have been making for your Facebook Profile instead.
They should just institutionalize thumb wrestling now. Really,it’s time.
Blog entry*
Facepalm.
Beautiful post on football. The one(and only) place to take out my dil ka bhadaas.
My husband(your loyal reader) is mad about Liverpool team (rival of manchester). In a mall, if he sees only manchester tshirts and no liverpool ones, he wishes for a chance to burn them, He tried desperately to make me a Liverpool fan but I ended up liking Swansea(only liking, no madness). But when he watches a match I wish that Liverpool wins because otherwise I would be at the receiving end of his anger.
I watched 2 matches and liverpool won in both. So now he is become superstitious that if I watch, liverpool wins.
I really enjoyed one match for the obvious reasons- the goals were awesome when possibilities were less, a winning goal in the last ten minutes. I felt half the anxiety of a World cup final cricket match where India is playing. The winning team was Liverpool(as if I care). I posted about it on facebook and got lots of replies advising me not to follow liverpool! Phew!
Also the fact that the actress who has debuted with the movie Ek Deewana Tha is from Liverpool, UK. So my husband likes her a lot. I badly hope she is a Manchester fan. 😛
lol…you almost provoked the sports geek in me . And dare I say that we gonna put it around Chelsea this evening at Wembley. ‘We’ i mean Liverpool :D. It’s always fun to know how it looks from the other side. Keep writing. cheers man 🙂
Lol @ “Manchester United for life” thing. Is is one of those ‘Yo’ things floating around in market for teencups?
Nice blog man . dont mind the dumb comments posted earlier . I actually read Hindustan times for ur articles these days . A big fan of all ur articles including this one 🙂 its always a pleasure in reading ur articles . NEVER STOP WRITING ! ur really gud !
It was a hilarious read Ashish. Good Job 🙂
What a load of junk. You write crap, then call it a joke? Manchester United fans for you should be from Manchester? Clearly true the name of your blog, but did I just read that this shi* goes into one of the national dailies? Clearly a crisis situation at HT wrt content. Why dont you stick to writing about something you know shit about instead of professing your dumbassery to the world?
Well, I don’t write articles or even own a blog so I guess I should just keep my opinion on this article to myself 🙂 Cheers 🙂
Just read this. Frickin brilliant write up. I was planning to do the same to drive some actual sense into people (because they’ll eventually stop watching sports and I’ll be the hipster dude who did it first) by writing a post on my own blog. Your post just inspired me 🙂
Everybody who can’t get over the fact that this bro doesn’t like sports is a wanker… Who cares? I like going to the bar to watch games and meeting chicas but if you would rather play pool and drink a six-pack to yourself good for you.
Satire and dry wit is such rare these days. .. . well, going through the comments on this article you can understand why…
Its refreshing to see your work ..especially the fact that you have been given a platform in the mainstream media.
P.S. Any chance you might get invited to the 9pm show with Arnab ghoswami.. now that would be worth looking forward too.. 😛
ManU winning the soccer world cup….hahahahaaha…absolutely great way to sign offf !!!! good job Ashish !
Ashish
Good article, with lots of interesting/humorous points.. Especially the “Manchester fan from Mulund” part. I, too (unfortunately or not) am from the same group, but a point that I would definitely like to make here, is that this excitement that these fans get by supporting a football club or watching a match gives them a chance come out of their mostly mundane and boring lives, albeit for a few hours on the weekend. So let them savor these moments of joy that they get out of the “fanaticism”. However, if most of us spent the same amount of time maybe, playing the same game, it would do a great deal to not only the quality of sports in the country, but also to our own selves.
Sorry for going all sentimental on this column, but what the heck!
Keep writing!
Nice article Ashish 😀
Nice to see you replying to many of the strong comments as well.
I hope you don’t get discouraged by any of it.
I had read few articles of yours back when you use to work in JAM ( I am not sure if you still do)
Anyway.
Keep Writing.