Please Do Not Feed the Protesters

As someone who lives and breathes the news (especially if the words ‘wardrobe malfunction’ are involved) I have spent the last few weeks submerged under a wave of reports about ‘A New India’ – one that gets its jollies from watching an old man carry out the most boring suicide attempt ever.

You may have guessed by now that I’m not exactly an Anna supporter. This automatically makes me a vile, anti-national criminal who always cheers for the English team in Lagaan.

The problem is that Indians are an emotional lot, and that the average supporter’s idea of patriotism is like the average Sindhi’s idea of a good shirt – the louder, the better. This is what an interview with your friendly neighbourhood chest-thumper sounds like:

Journalist: So tell us, what exactly are your views on the JanLokPal Bill?

Protester: AAARGHH!! CONGRESS SUCKS!! INQUILAAB! AZAADI! SIMON GO BACK!

Journalist: Alright, but what are the provisions of the Bill?

Protester: OYE! RANG DE BASANTI! AAMIR KHAN! SHARMAN JOSHI! AND THAT MADRASI FELLOW!

Journalist: Do you even understand the implications  of –

Protester: THIS IS ALL FAULT OF MIDDIA! ARNAB HAI HAI!

Journalist: Actually, I’m with you on that last one.

Like it or not, this affair at Ramlila Maidan is the closest we’ll ever come to Woodstock. This is the event we’ll tell our grandkids about, after which they’ll rip out our pacemakers with their bare hands.

So let’s take a quick look at some of the key events that have unfolded over the past few weeks:

1. Anna Hazare steps out of his house in Mayur Vihar and is promptly arrested by the Delhi Police. For a few hours, nobody knows where he is. This is great, because in Delhi, for a change, a *man* has been forcefully taken away to an unknown location.

2. Next, Anna is thrown into Tihar Jail, a decision that was apparently made after a night of drunken ‘Truth or Dare’ at the Congress headquarters. (This also explains those ugly ‘Hardik Shubheccha’ political posters)

3. After this, some genius calls for a ‘Jail Bharo Andolan’, wherein you’re supposed to get into a confined, filthy, sweaty space with about 300 other people. Or as Mumbaikars call it, home.

4. Sri Sri reaches Tihar. This is confusing for Anna, who is now wondering if hunger is making him see double double.

5. The Congress, completely taken aback by the fact that they’re being made to look stupid by someone other than Digvijay Singh, finally relents and lets Anna begin his fast at Ramlila Maidan. They do this as if they actually had any say in the matter. Christopher Reeve had more spine than these guys.

6. And thus begins Annapalooza.  Lakhs of people across India march out in vociferous support of a man that nobody yet understands. At this point, Germans are watching us and thinking, “Uh oh. Been there, done that.” (Optimists argue that at least the country is united towards a common goal. This is great until you realise that the last time Indians were so focussed, it was because they all wanted Poonam Pandey to strip)

7. Manish Tiwari says that he’s really, really sorry for referring to Anna as corrupt. Hah. It’d be easier to believe Simi Garewal’s assertion that she is in fact, not a cyborg.

8. Meanwhile, the Annapalooza continues, with one of its most enduring images being that of Kiran Bedi flapping about on stage. This disappoints the horde of Gujjus that had rushed to Ramlila Maidan after mistaking her for Falguni Pathak.

At the time of writing, renowned egg-hatcher Arindam Chaudhri was reported to be at Ramlila Maidan, espousing the virtues of honesty. This is like having Kim Kardashian lecture you on abstinence.

I can’t wait for this whole mess to get over, so that we can get back to real issues, like wondering about the new Bigg Boss line-up. Apparently, Anna was offered a spot but declined when he realised he wasn’t going to be the Bigg Boss.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 28th August 2011)

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50 responses to “Please Do Not Feed the Protesters

  1. “Sri Sri reaches Tihar. This is confusing for Anna, who is now wondering if hunger is making him see double double.”

    *Tips hat, offers you drink*

  2. sexy…..mumbaikar home and delhi comment..lol

  3. Thank God!! At least someone from media is not so crazy with Anna and his protest. A question about HT – Was HT behaving like it normally do or was being witness to History in the making?

    ToI had made history. Thank God The Hindu was rational, otherwise people who are preparing for CSE would have gone mad!! 😉

  4. “At the time of writing, renowned egg-hatcher Arindam Chaudhri was reported to be at Ramlila Maidan, espousing the virtues of honesty. This is like having Kim Kardashian lecture you on abstinence.”

    You are simply AWESOME!!! 🙂 🙂

  5. Not funny…

  6. LOL.. You made my day!

  7. On Arnab – Is the Jewish Tribunal still hunting for Nazis? They forgot one…

  8. Im just annoyed that u thought of “Annapalooza” before me…

  9. Good… Just write don’t do anything… Chal you are gaining from Anna …. Write way or wrong way…

  10. Kiran Bedi & Falguni Pathak… Hmm, now that you mention it… Seconding Elroy, just annoyed I didn’t catch these doppelgangers.

  11. HILARIOUS! FALGUNI PATHAK!!!!

  12. Everything you said is depressingly true. But at least it’s funny

  13. Witty as hell, you are. Also, insightful 🙂

  14. for the first time i didnt like a post by you 🙂

  15. This is one the best pieces I have read on Anna- the counter view. Laughed till I had tears in my eyes.

  16. ok, m at work and rolling with laughter… at least NOW it’s been established that I am, after all, crazy…

    thank god for sanity in times of collective insanity, thank god for counterviews and thank god for idiots for hire

  17. My lollercoaster just jumped the rails and crashed into a roflcopter flying by. Well played, good sir.

  18. At last Sense is speaking up! Thank God!

  19. Loll, eventhough I am support Anna Hazare, this post is hillarious! “I can’t wait for this whole mess to get over, so that we can get back to real issues, like wondering about the new Bigg Boss line-up”, the Delhi-Mumbai comment, Kiran Bedi and Gujjus connection and Germans & Poonam Pandey – ROFL..too good! 😀

  20. “The problem is that Indians are an emotional lot, and that the average supporter’s idea of patriotism is like the average Sindhi’s idea of a good shirt – the louder, the better.”

    EPIC!

  21. “The Congress, completely taken aback by the fact that they’re being made to look stupid by someone other than Digvijay Singh” – the line of the post! Fun read 🙂

  22. Witty but makes you think (If one can think, that is !)
    Because it is so Rare to find thinking people on this planet !

  23. Glad there is SOMEBODY who is able to stand back and laugh at ourselves for us.

  24. Been on a online war with Anna supporters…this second WAR for Independence told me a lot abt people whom i thought i knew for ages and those whom I never cared abt :)…awesome article!!!

  25. AWESOME!! YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IGNORANT SOLIDARITY HANDS DOWN. THANKS SO MUCH 😀

  26. Stupidas maximus

    Ad hominem fallacy much?

    If you have some solution to the problem, other than just living with it, present it, and be bold to commit to it

  27. omg! I died laughing while reading your post..you gotta follower for life!

  28. Read the article. Was not sure about what point was being made (or if there was any). Then read the subtitle of the blog – ‘General idiot for hire’. Makes sense now.

  29. F*c*ing A**H*le …… Hw dare u wrote a blog ..u need to attend primary education first .. ..cheap publicity stunt.. so cheap I couldn’t fathom …
    u attention seeker ..f*uk Off ..

    If you need to know about Indian Politics..then please contact me..I will let you know..till then please refrain urself from writing anything ..coz it is so misleading ..

  30. @biswajit — Not sure about your eligibilty for “teaching Indian politics” to anyone, but in case you ever realise that you suck at framing sentences in English, Wren & Martin will be a good place to start from. #kthxbai

    Ashish – brilliant, as usual! 🙂

  31. @Biswajit

    Excellent flaming skills man. I’m sure Ashish cried himself to sleep over that.
    Just curious – how did you come across the word ‘fathom’? It does not go with the rest of your Orkut Ghaatlish.

  32. Oh, the irony! How are all the “epic! I am dying laughing! brilliant” commentors who are jizzing their pants while reading this blog any different from Anna’s supporters? Anna’s supporters are shouting in loud shirts and you guys are jizzing in classy well-tailored pants, is that it? Gimme a break!

    The bitter truth is that people are not left with any other option to change the corrupt system in India. Every democratic system and legal process available in India has roundly failed in curbing corruption. It is debatable how effective these protests are and the Lokpal bill itself will be. But at least these guys are trying something. What are you guys doing? Giving each other handjobs in online blog comments and snickering at ‘average emotional Indians’?

    If your sister was being harassed by roadside goondas and some average Indian with sincere intentions and a good heart protested against it, would you guys be pointing your fingers at his loud shirt and louder protests, and giggling like silly girls?

  33. Hate to spoil the excitement above. But I strongly believe that in a country where people are mostly self-centered, ignorant, arrogant, and with very short perspective, they need someone to follow, who might not be Gandhi himself but at least much more worth mentioning that any top graded corporate capitalist or a movie star making money and fame by being half naked half the time on silver screen. At least Anna is trying to do something significant and worth mentioning as a change-initiator. What are you doing my friend? I suppose a comment like this springs from the deep conviction that: “Oh, I am a much greater intellectual with better solutions. Rest are causing a lot of wastage of time and resources.” So my dear friend, where is your good work? Where is your movement? Can’t see it anywhere. I am waiting for it.

  34. Found use for LOL, ROFL, LMAO thanks to this article.
    Hail Falguni Pathak!

  35. Only if all not-so pro-anna ppl had been as funny, the whole issue cud have been resolved very amicably.

  36. Awesome article. 😉
    Great to know someone is the media is not getting carried away by the whole Anna Hazare drama.. 🙂

  37. Sri Sri and Falguni Pathak will never be the same after reading this one 🙂

  38. So you can be unfunny too! Didn’t think that was possible..

    This post bashes Anna, Indians in general and also Congress. What’s the point you’re making?
    While attempting to be funny, you ignored major factors like detention without cause, attempts to stifle free speech, repeated insults hurled on the intellect of public by the very people who begged the same public for votes, attempts by the same jackasses to push a bill that would be as effective against corruption as the delhi police on crimes against women.

    Next thing we know, you’ll be mocking Ajay Maken’s sports bill.

  39. Good to get hypes by making stories, But you should see good things about the movements also. Except world cup victory, first time I had seen the country together and that is important. Secondly its at least better to follow some good people rather that corrupted for 64 years.At least for a cause although according to you it is not the best.

  40. this was d 1st post of ur’s which i read n it did hit the chords right dere..
    Wittingly hilarious, yet addressed all d issues so cleanly.
    Finally found some1 who wasn’t supporting anna as d latest fashion trend suggest
    😉

  41. Sri Sri reaches Tihar. This is confusing for Anna, who is now wondering if hunger is making him see double double.ROFL , I choked on my lunch as I read dat , had to stop and read the whole thing , hilarious is an understatement, what an amazing counterview !The Comments abt gujjus made me hold my tummy laughing out aloud and the Poonam Pandey was too good! “Next, Anna is thrown into Tihar Jail, a decision that was apparently made after a night of drunken ‘Truth or Dare’ at the Congress headquarters. (This also explains those ugly ‘Hardik Shubheccha’ political posters)” On a serious note though ,I am an optimist and believe if nothing this is the start of something good ,hopefully minus a crazy bill that none of really comprehend !

  42. You are awesome! Madly in love with you!

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