In Defence of Sluts Everywhere

I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no, I will not be a part of the Delhi Slutwalk. It’s not that I can’t carry off a miniskirt – I have less hair on my legs than the average female engineering student – but because I’m very sceptical about the efficacy of a movement that may well turn into a grabfest for the life-sized erection that is the Delhi male.

And that itself is the reason the Slutwalk exists.

Consider the message the movement is trying to send out: No matter what a woman is wearing, she is never “asking for it.” If you disagree, then stop reading and go jump off the nearest building.

In an ideal world, a woman should be able to walk down a platform at Churchgate and board a local train completely naked, without being touched or judged, the only thought in men’s minds being, “Where has she kept her pass?”

You might argue that the world is hardly ideal, hence the need for a ‘safe’ dress code. So here’s a crazy, radical idea: How about you save your breath and just let women decide what they want to wear? Alright, so they can’t park to save their lives, and they do strange things like cover the bed with a million little pillows for no good reason, but surely we, as a society, can trust women to pick out their own clothes.

It’s not even about the clothes. Women know that guys will check them out whether they’re in a bikini or a bomb-disposal suit. A friend who used to live in Kurla once told me about how he and his friends had adapted to the social norms in the area, by learning to identify the “hot items” amongst a sea of fully veiled, burkha-clad women. I guess this is why he seems turned on while watching ninja movies.

Even then, to dispel any notions of vulgarity, the event was renamed to ‘Slutwalk Arthaarth Besharmi Morcha’ and skimpy clothes ceased to be the theme. It’s odd, considering that Delhi is routinely witness to world-class displays of vulgarity, such as a salwar-kameez clad Ramdev fleeing his “yoga camp” (or as his supporters like to call it, Woodstock)

Another common statement is that there is no male equivalent to the word ‘slut’. The closest we’ve got is ‘Ranbir Kapoor’ (And even that became redundant after he went on the Simi show and got neutered by Kiki.)

The VHP, Xenu bless their souls, has also very kindly offered to protect our culture by threatening the organisers and participants of Slutwalk. They plan to follow up this macho move by going up to little girls in playgrounds and telling them that they exist only because their parents were too westernised to kill them.

Indians are champion gawkers. We’ll gawk at anything. A fender-bender? Gawk. A white person? Gawk. MV Wisdom? OHMYGOD A SHIP! AND THAT TOO IN THE SEA?! LET ME GO TO THE BEACH AND ROCK OUT WITH MY GAWK OUT!

Of course, we reserve our best gawking performances for women. This is why I’m still sceptical about the walk. A lot will be said and heard, but in the end, it’ll just be a bunch of people staring and missing the point like Sania Mirza misses the second round of Wimbledon.

To quote that famous French electrician Voltaire, “I may not agree with your opinion, but I will defend to death your right to carry on with the Slutwalk, because it sure beats the hell out of Yoga Woodstock.”

P.S. If the Slutwalk doesn’t work, try not to blame the women.

(This is my HT column dated 3rd July 2011)

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43 responses to “In Defence of Sluts Everywhere

  1. Well played, El Estupido Max! How dare you say I don’t park well? And… oh. That’s not the point of this piece? 🙂 Very nice, I say.

  2. Brilliant piece mate. Excellent read.

  3. Haha.. nice piece. Literally ROFLd at “Where has she kept her pass?”

  4. Rajat Shubhro Mukherjee

    You need a lesson in Darwin’s natural selection it seems…. Anyway, good luck with your wishful thinking about how men should conduct themselves when a woman is walking around in certain clothes. Of course they should, so how about this; the act that you proposed, rather the conduct, shouldn’t be so specific and should apply to other things too. Like, for example, you shouldn’t comment on someone’s intelligence, or one’s achievements if they are more than yours, or a bad dressing sense, or a lame joke, or any set of actions we deem as antics…. It isn’t that simple, it is not about free will, which anyhow doesn’t exist.
    I seriously don’t understand how people have to audacity to simplify the world so casually, I mean, this is life, not an episode of family guy, isn’t it ?

    • I don’t know why I’d start off a possible online-debate with someone who probably isn’t returning to the post, but here goes nothing.

      You’re either wilfully trolling, or you really don’t see that this ->
      “you shouldn’t comment on someone’s intelligence, or one’s achievements if they are more than yours, or a bad dressing sense, or a lame joke, or any set of actions we deem as antics”

      is not the same as this ->
      “women should choose to wear what they want to” and “[it is] wishful thinking about how men should conduct themselves when a woman is walking around in certain clothes”

    • Wow. OK, I’ll try and respond to the bit in your ramble that I can make some sense of. Why do I need a lesson in natural selection again? Because I think that women, under the ambit of free speech, have the right to make the kind of protest they want to (no matter how symbolic or impractical others may deem it)? Or is it because I believe that most men are capable of not molesting/leching at/raping women that they find physically attractive?

      If you read the whole piece (beyond the part about the ideal world), you’d see there is no oversimplification. Just common sense, really.

  5. second round of almost all the tennis tournaments 🙂

  6. LOVE the way u write!
    Now here’s what I would call a “macho man” — the kind of guy who respects a woman…. n can poke fun at them! 😉

  7. Rajat Shubhro Mukherjee

    By the way, that was specifically in context to your words saying women should choose to wear what they want to…….

  8. liked it!
    Bookmarked.

  9. Awesome like always. still Laughing on the line, “Where has she kept her pass”. You are champion in humor writing.Hats off.

  10. Dude! as a slutty feminist, I must say…your article just rocked my world! we need more men and women like you who can provide a platform for non judgmental existence of women exercising their right to choose.

    Having said that, I have a pretty killer cleavage so come support me during my besharmi morcha.

    Cheers!

  11. “I have less hair on my legs than the average female engineering student” u sure of this.. or do u shave\wax… LOL..

    A real Good Post… Why dont you write once everyweek than once in a fortnight…

  12. Pingback: The Slut Walk and Me |

  13. I like this post. I think all that ordinary people will do is indulge in our prime preoccupation … Gawk! Of course the Muthalik types will go on rampage – and, as usual, the message that this walk is supposed to send out is going to be ignored.

    Have linked this post with mine on the same topic.

  14. “let women decide what they want to wear”

    I’ve been trying to tell the wife exactly that for ages now – that I cannot, will not and should not help with “What should I wear today?” ! Totally with you on that one.

    Lovely piece! Champion gawkers we are! And yep, its not just the women.

  15. Loved the Ranbir Kapoor remark haha.
    Amazing stuff 🙂

  16. Dude. You got a very wild and vivid imagination. The post is funny!!

  17. I like what the famous French Electrician said.
    And it does seem to have succeeded in creating a lot of discussion, awareness and debates, so I see it as a success.

  18. nice post dude..as always..loved it.. “going up to little girls in playgrounds and telling them that they exist only because their parents were too westernised to kill them” says a lot.wish muthalik kinds thoty wid their brains and not wid there you-know-what

  19. Very well written.Sarcasm at his best !!

  20. MV Wisdom. Ranbir Kapoor. Woodstock. Killer stuff man!
    You should try doing a couple of shows in Bangalore.

  21. Pingback: In Defence of Sluts Everywhere (via Ashish Shakya) | BrobiWanKenobi

  22. Um, while I mostly agree with you- it’s important to realize that we will live in a country that is mostly, still, illiterate and not as exposed to a lot things (excuse the pun on exposed). I’m not saying it’s right or that women who dress “slutty” are “asking for it” but I don’t think a little discretion hurt anyone. Know your audience and save yourself some drama. That’s all.

  23. hahaha ..loved it

  24. ur writings super sexy man.. i went thru phoenix in a day n now i am on to this.. u are most definitely a breath of fresh air !

  25. Haha this is fantastic!! I finally subscribed to your blog 😀

  26. Haila!Whatte piece! 😀 Too good.

  27. i still cant figure out where she must have kept her pass…..

  28. Dude, you pull out every article well. Now I like this specifically ’cause it showed off ur perspective well in detail. Others are ‘mock special’ articles. You camoulage your opinions by satire. I know, I know they serve their primary purpose- humor. Still its refreshing to read personal opinions And yeah ‘Pass kahan rakhte ho’ bowled it off. Aashish.*_*

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