Welcome To the Greatest Script on Earth

Dear Mr. Johar Khan Chopra Screwwalla Shah Kapoor

Here’s a script I wrote for a movie tentatively titled, ‘The Most Perfectest Critical-Acclaim-Winning Crowd-Pleasing Hatke Bollywood Film Ever’. (You’re welcome)

DISCLAIMER: All the characters, names and places mentioned in the following script are fictional. Especially the real ones. Resemblance to persons living, dead and/or lawsuit-happy, is purely coincidental.


Rishi Kapoor (or if budgets are low, Kulbushan Kharbanda) gazes wistfully at the Big Ben, because that is what all Indians in London do.

Rishi/Kulbushan (Voice-over): England helped me make more money than I would’ve ever made working as a truck-driver in Ludhiana. Plus, it helped me avoid all those truck-driver STDs. (Pause) I hate this country.


Katrina, the spoilt daughter of Rishi/Kulbushan, is bringing shame upon her family. She also deals meth to kids and electrocutes puppies for fun. We deduce all this from the fact that she’s wearing a short skirt.

Katrina: Woohoo! I’m so English, I’m going to get drunk and sleep with a random stranger, innit!

Madhur Bhandarkar: Make sure you sleep with a black guy. They give out Filmfare awards for that shit.


Akshay Kumar runs through the field, attempting to molest a fleeing chicken. This charming rustic scene is set to the tunes of that famous Punjabi singer, Snoop Dogg.

Akshay: (singing) My big mouth brings all the chicks to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours! (looks around) Hey, where my bitches at?

Riteish: Here I am!


Akshay bursts in through the window. Katrina looks shocked, thus bringing her Expressions Count to a grand total of one.

Akshay: Your dad wants you to marry me! Let’s celebrate this occasion with an auspicious lighting of Rajpal Yadav’s fart!

Katrina: Never! I’m English, and I’m never gonna –

She’s interrupted by a ‘THUMP!’ from the closet.

Akshay: Who’s in there?

Shahrukh comes out of the closet.

SRK: It is I, the King! How dare you try and take the NRI market away from me?

Akshay: Look, I know 327 different types of kung-fu, including Punjabi Kung-Fu. I can cook with aunties, swim with sharks and manage to be the worst thing in a movie that also stars Zayed Khan. What can you do?

SRK: Ummm…. I can open my arms really wide?

Enraged, Akki fires at SRK, but wait – what’s this? A twist! Hrithik appears out of nowhere, catching the bullet with his spinal cord.

Akki: Hrithik? WTF are you doing here?

Hrithik: Urk! Bhansali… said… be… handicapped! All his heroes are.

Akki: Ranbir wasn’t.

Hrithik: Yeah… but he had to drop his towel.



Hrithik’s stuck in a wheelchair, and is about as vigorous as a Pakistani terror investigation. He confides in his nurse, Ash.

Hrithik: I want to die.

Ash: Don’t worry, things will get better. In fact, they’re already looking up – there’s no Abhishek in the film!

Hrithik: Ah, good point.

Ash: *giggle* Hey, there’s a fly on your face. I’ll just swat it…

Hrithik: No! Let it be. The fly and I have something in common.

Ash: What?

Hrithik: Now we’re *both* associated with steaming piles of crap.

BAM! Suddenly Salman kicks open the door, giving Ash some massive deja vu.

Salman: I just wanted you to know that I’ve really matured as an actor. See, I now have a moustache.

Audience: OK, why is this crapfest still going on??

Cue Rolling Credits: Directed by Ashutosh Gowariker.

Audience: Ah that explains it.

(P.S. I’d like to thank Yash Uncle for this column)

(Note: This is my HT column, dated 16th Jan 2011)


16 responses to “Welcome To the Greatest Script on Earth

  1. Haha! Couldnt’ contain my self laughing out loud in the midst of the office over that Ranbir thing! Such an insanely awesome read. 🙂


  2. Again… Right on the spot! Beautiful post 🙂

  3. This is Hilarious. Why do all Akshay movie have the same theme?

  4. Perfecto. But it should have been a little lengthier to give due credit to the last punch line on ashutosh. 🙂 would have given you the freedom to add more twists to the plot.

    Btw i think You should do an online extended version of the print article.

  5. This would have been better, no?

    Hrithik: Urk! Bhansali… said… be… handicapped! All his heroes are.

    Akki: Ranbir wasn’t.

    Hrithik: Well… you didn’t see him after he dropped his towel.

  6. Pingback: Tweets that mention Welcome To the Greatest Script on Earth | Ashish Shakya -- Topsy.com

  7. “SRK: Ummm…. I can open my arms really wide?”

    How do you come up with this stuff! Genius 😀

  8. lol ur plot of movie is more complicated than Lynch’s Mulloholand drive”

  9. Sanjay Leela Bhansali

    Oye you Shakya! This was my original script that you’re stealing! I will sue your ass and then make a movie about that too! Salman Khan in lead role and 1,233 songs in total! Who’s the bitch now?!

  10. this is hilarious! EXTREME ROLMAO!

  11. Guzaarish did not deserve the jibes. The others truly did 🙂 ” Had to drop his towel”

  12. I LOL’D
    And really hard too.
    And I agree with James, it would have been much better that way.
    Hrithik: Urk! Bhansali… said… be… handicapped! All his heroes are.
    Akki: Ranbir wasn’t.
    Hrithik: Well… you didn’t see him after he dropped his towel.

    This article is a better script than those of the movies I’ve seen recently =D

  13. Awesome post! I would love to see a movie directed by you ..lol’s 😛 this is one of the most funny scripts I have ever come across…

    (Still laughing 😀 )

  14. steaming piles of – oh, that’s funny!

  15. The I’d like to thank Yash Uncle part was pure gold.

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