Dear Mr. Johar Khan Chopra Screwwalla Shah Kapoor
Here’s a script I wrote for a movie tentatively titled, ‘The Most Perfectest Critical-Acclaim-Winning Crowd-Pleasing Hatke Bollywood Film Ever’. (You’re welcome)
DISCLAIMER: All the characters, names and places mentioned in the following script are fictional. Especially the real ones. Resemblance to persons living, dead and/or lawsuit-happy, is purely coincidental.
Rishi Kapoor (or if budgets are low, Kulbushan Kharbanda) gazes wistfully at the Big Ben, because that is what all Indians in London do.
Rishi/Kulbushan (Voice-over): England helped me make more money than I would’ve ever made working as a truck-driver in Ludhiana. Plus, it helped me avoid all those truck-driver STDs. (Pause) I hate this country.
Katrina, the spoilt daughter of Rishi/Kulbushan, is bringing shame upon her family. She also deals meth to kids and electrocutes puppies for fun. We deduce all this from the fact that she’s wearing a short skirt.
Katrina: Woohoo! I’m so English, I’m going to get drunk and sleep with a random stranger, innit!
Madhur Bhandarkar: Make sure you sleep with a black guy. They give out Filmfare awards for that shit.
EXT. MUSTARD FIELD
Akshay Kumar runs through the field, attempting to molest a fleeing chicken. This charming rustic scene is set to the tunes of that famous Punjabi singer, Snoop Dogg.
Akshay: (singing) My big mouth brings all the chicks to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours! (looks around) Hey, where my bitches at?
Riteish: Here I am!
INT. KATRINA’S BEDROOM
Akshay bursts in through the window. Katrina looks shocked, thus bringing her Expressions Count to a grand total of one.
Akshay: Your dad wants you to marry me! Let’s celebrate this occasion with an auspicious lighting of Rajpal Yadav’s fart!
Katrina: Never! I’m English, and I’m never gonna –
She’s interrupted by a ‘THUMP!’ from the closet.
Akshay: Who’s in there?
Shahrukh comes out of the closet.
SRK: It is I, the King! How dare you try and take the NRI market away from me?
Akshay: Look, I know 327 different types of kung-fu, including Punjabi Kung-Fu. I can cook with aunties, swim with sharks and manage to be the worst thing in a movie that also stars Zayed Khan. What can you do?
SRK: Ummm…. I can open my arms really wide?
Enraged, Akki fires at SRK, but wait – what’s this? A twist! Hrithik appears out of nowhere, catching the bullet with his spinal cord.
Akki: Hrithik? WTF are you doing here?
Hrithik: Urk! Bhansali… said… be… handicapped! All his heroes are.
Akki: Ranbir wasn’t.
Hrithik: Yeah… but he had to drop his towel.
FADE TO BLACK. THEN BLUE. THEN RED. THEN NORMAL FOR A BIT WHEN THE DIRECTOR STOPS DROPPING ACID.
Hrithik’s stuck in a wheelchair, and is about as vigorous as a Pakistani terror investigation. He confides in his nurse, Ash.
Hrithik: I want to die.
Ash: Don’t worry, things will get better. In fact, they’re already looking up – there’s no Abhishek in the film!
Hrithik: Ah, good point.
Ash: *giggle* Hey, there’s a fly on your face. I’ll just swat it…
Hrithik: No! Let it be. The fly and I have something in common.
Hrithik: Now we’re *both* associated with steaming piles of crap.
BAM! Suddenly Salman kicks open the door, giving Ash some massive deja vu.
Salman: I just wanted you to know that I’ve really matured as an actor. See, I now have a moustache.
Audience: OK, why is this crapfest still going on??
Cue Rolling Credits: Directed by Ashutosh Gowariker.
Audience: Ah that explains it.
(P.S. I’d like to thank Yash Uncle for this column)
(Note: This is my HT column, dated 16th Jan 2011)