Sir, will that be a table for one?

There are times when it’s great to be an Indian, like when you look at Somali people, or if you happen to be Rahul Gandhi. We have really matured as a society. For example, we’ve exported Shilpa Shetty to London, and nobody even pretends to like Sanjay Leela Bhansali anymore.

But there’s an area in which we sorely lack, and this weakness sticks out like the Pope at an abortion clinic. I’m talking, of course, about the dating scene in India.

I agree that in places like Delhi, things are quite simple – the woman belongs to the guy with the biggest gun. But it gets a little complicated for those of us who prefer legal methods.

Maybe you think it’s easy to go out and meet new women in Bombay. Maybe you’re an idiot. Mind you, I’m not even talking about dating, or sex, or the hugely entertaining Daddy issues – all that comes in later. I’m talking about merely approaching a woman at a bar – a woman who’s single, someone who is not surrounded by an army of male ‘platonic’ friends who, given the chance, would love to pound you (or her for that matter), and most importantly, a woman whose face will not be the last you see before waking up in an ice-filled bathtub, your left kidney en route to Bangkok.

Let’s consider other places that are routinely touted as ‘a great place to meet women’, like gyms. Maybe this works for some guys (read: producers in Lokhandwala), but I can’t imagine a woman ever saying, “Oh I first met Raj at the gym. He fell in love with the pattern of my underarm sweat stains, while I got really turned on watching him get a hernia.”

Then there’s the online world, highly recommended by experts from the Indian Fraandship and Luvship Association. I’m quite active on Twitter (Motto: Follow me, or else God will shoot a kitten in the face) and it is indeed a great networking tool that allows you to directly congratulate Yaana Gupta for her recent vanishing-panty magic trick. But again, the facts are simple: Shashi Tharoor is the only guy who has managed to get screwed via Twitter.

To add to the confusion, men and women have very different ideas about meeting new people. This is what a single woman sounds like: “It’s been a year since Champak Singh and I broke up, and 237 pairs of shoes later, I think I’m ready to move on, although this time I’m looking for something real, y’know, someone who’ll comfort me, love me, hold me and automatically guess what I’m thinking before I’ve even thought it, somebody who doesn’t mind if I talk during a suspense film, somebody who’s mature, kind, respectful, funny, handsome, rich, honest, gentle, poetic and has a 12-inch-diamond penis.”

And this is what a single man expressing his need for a soulmate sounds like: “Dude, I need to get laid.”

Apparently it’s best to just stick to the basics: don’t lie, be chivalrous, and make eye-contact (Note: Eyes are not located on the chest) I’m also told that women really appreciate a good sense of humour, so this column is definitely not helping my case. I should just pack up and go to Delhi.

(Note: This is my HT column, dated 5th Dec 2010)

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11 responses to “Sir, will that be a table for one?

  1. I loved it and did guffaw at some places.. definitely a woman, not single. and surely not frequenting any of aforementioned places…(bars or gyms ) … and done none of those things (namely buy 237 pairs of shoes..) so maybe i am not normal ! and am following you on twitter which is surely not normal… so if this is what you are looking for keep the funny lines coming, one day some smart cool (hopefully good looking woman) will surely look back at ya :)and tweet back.. be smart stay cool!

  2. Great stuff!! Tis amazing but I have recently been wondering if there really is a dating scene here cos I once asked a guy out and he seemed to think that I wanted to marry him, which I obviously didn't want to do considering the fact that he was more drunk than I was which is just not fun!! (I dare you to read that in one breath!) . But yes if you do find this so called dating scene , please let me know , cos it's sure as hell hard to find!!! ( hehe … Hard!!)

  3. I'm a guy but I love you.

  4. Dude, dating is simple. All you need is 12-inch-diamond penis (like you mentioned) that ejaculates chocolate, and watch them drool over you.By the way, have you noticed how _every_ woman when asked, what she thinks is her best asset, will inevitably mention something like eyes, smile, dimples (not on the 'other cheeks') etc. at the same time wearing short skirt that shows her long shapely legs & ass, a top that offers ample view of her bosoms?Ever heard any woman, even Mallika Sherawat, say that her body is her best asset? Well, most of broads can't say 'brains', of course, so why not just accept facts?

  5. Hey, don't knock the internet till you've tried it, I speak from experience 😉 But yes, as a bonafide woman, I approve your dating tips for starters. While gasping in shock at my absence on your blogroll *gasp*Also @ Joseph: Wow, man, single much?

  6. @Anonymous: Thank you! And yes, following me on Twitter is not normal. Then again, normalcy is overrated. @TheQuark: Thanks man!@Random Dent Too: Please to not be hitting on guys from K-serials :)@Sarkozy: Thanks man. Can I have Carla though?@Joseph: I do hope you find a 'broad' with brains. They're the best kind. Bosoms don't hurt either.@Veda: You wild, reckless, risk-taker you! 🙂 And sorry about the blogroll – it was last updated when Nitin Gadkari was thin. Rectified now. (Although 'The Other Veda' has been on my Google Reader for ages. I'm a fan like that)

  7. Pingback: How to get girls in India « Bookmark My Brain

  8. Hi!
    Well, Delhi isn’t as green either :).. But ya, something’s better than nothing :P, isn’t it ? Anyway, great post. Just a request, could you set up an RSS feed for the blog?

  9. @veda Never heard Chris Rock, have you? Also being a woman you lack sense of humour among other things. Well, nevermind, nothing you can correct! 🙂

    Here’s Chris Rock – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-U1QJpJ1ULA

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