God Wants You to Read This

I’ve always been fascinated about various aspects of religion, such as its origin, evolution and the fact that your hands could get chopped off for writing about it. Having said that, it’s still nice to see how religion unifies society by providing nutjobs with an open-air pissing contest.

(Relax. I’m talking about the nutjobs in someone else’s religion, not yours.)

So clearly, I’m not a religious person. Sure, I was born into a Hindu family, which means that I believe in the all-encompassing power of whatever the BJP tells me to. I also know that my religion is polytheistic (from the Greek words, ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’ and ‘theistic’ meaning ‘traffic jams’)

That apart, I’ve grown up with a poor understanding of the various rituals attached to religion, such as fasting, or genocide. On a totally unrelated note, I must bring up the issue of India’s Most Famous Land Dispute at this point. As children of the 90s, this conflict is not our fault, but we’re embarrassed about it all the same (Sort of like Sanjay Kapoor’s acting career.)

Now I like having my limbs attached to my body at all times, so let’s refer to the Gods involved here as Superman and Batman. So, the issue in a nutshell: Fans of Batman built this kickass house for him, but then Superman fans – you know how those crazy red-chaddi lovers are – said that the land originally belonged to Superman, as established in Superman Issue No. 1. In between bouts of acne and not getting laid, the two sets of nerds battled it out and decades later, innocent people had to face the trauma of watching Barkha Dutt pretending to care.

It’s not just the big stuff – as a heretic doomed to hell (where people communicate only in SMS language) I don’t understand the smaller aspects of religion either. Take for example, festive season, which is defined as “the period of time when the Gods must be appeased by blasting ‘Munni Badnaam Hui’ at eardrum-rape levels.”

It doesn’t help that all major festivals have been hijacked by politicians, resulting in a glut of unknown faces occupying billboard space that rightly belongs to Asin’s underarms. However, these posters do promote secularism by showing us that no matter what community they belong to, all politicians are uniformly ugly. (The only thing uglier than the man-beast on a political poster is the design of the poster itself. Professional graphic designers have learnt to not look directly at these posters, for fear of eyeball haemorrhage.)

My degenerate little brain is also baffled by why the term ‘God-fearing man’ is considered a positive attribute. (According to matrimonial ads, this is the third-most appreciated quality in a partner, the others being “Fair” and “NOT Rahul Mahajan”) Now since I’m a writer, I’m completely in favour of arrogance, but not when the basis of someone’s condescension is the size of their imaginary sky-penis.

The thing is, whoever invented religion probably didn’t intend for it to turn out this way. It was supposed to have been upgraded through the ages, but that didn’t happen because efficiency collapsed after someone invented meetings. However, there’s one principle that holds true after all these years: Don’t attack writers. I’m sure both Superman and Batman would agree.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 10th Oct, 2010)

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18 responses to “God Wants You to Read This

  1. hahaha. shiva shiva! blasphemously ridiculous.

  2. Hahaha! Found one funny sentence, viz., "Professional graphic designers have learnt to not look directly at these posters, for fear of eyeball haemorrhage.Professional graphic designers have learnt to not look directly at these posters, for fear of eyeball haemorrhage." 😀

  3. Reference to Sanjay Kapoor's acting career is epic! Not sure about his career mistakes, but comes to mind for another 'no fault if his' – Aati nahi jokes. Nice subtleties in the article!

  4. I agree to the eyeball heamorrhage! And those guys want my vote…yea, right!

  5. now this is wat i call ammazzzziiinnnggg!!!!!!!

  6. an accurate reflection of my belief system..cheers

  7. Exactly what i would have said – minus the blasphemous articulation. Not bcos i'm afraid..but bcos i wouldn't know how to.

  8. Bumped into this through a friend..But totally awesome post. Cheerz!!

  9. Amazing Article Shakya! I agree with each and every line that you wrote and I do understand the importance of all this. You literally spoke through my heart. OMG! I'm LMAO. We need more social awakening through humor. Simply Brilliant!- Sid.

  10. Rahul (fake name)

    see just because you don’t know about something don’t condemn it. I totally agree with you that all this seems fake and all but really it isn’t. I hope some day in this life of yours you realize this. Its really not about Hinduism or Islam most of what people are doing is leading them no where except the fact that they may be well behaved. Imagine having no moral values just for the sole reason that people don’t believe in God. Imagine what would happen when people would be let loose. Religion keeps people safe and happy. But don’t think I am speaking in favor of any religion. I like your writing you are awesome but you are ignorant. Its not your fault though. Just wanted to tell you that there are things which you would never believe and that God really exists.
    Sorry if I don’t make sense.

    • First of all, you’re right – you don’t make sense. I also like how your conviction is bolstered by the fact that you’re hiding behind a fake name. I reiterate my position – people fighting and discriminating over religion is stupid. There are no two ways about it. I also like how you point out that I’m ignorant for being in favour of common sense, and then telling me it’s not my fault, the way close friends console each other after a break-up. Very kind of you. I absolutely love the emphatic declaration at the end. “God really exists.” OK when you put it that way, I’m convinced. By the way, Hogwarts is also real.

  11. sad man no guts to put up my comment. Its people like you due to whom ignorance prevails

  12. Good 1 man !! totally agree with u on that …. @Rahul: u can make ur point heard out without condemning the guy whos blog ur reading n enjoying .

  13. ….I so wish that we have more people like you …armed with that insanely-stomach-muscle-cramping-sense of humor and the ability to talk on serious issues using that…
    As a fellow writer (not even close to as professional as you are… )—-
    Got a lot of respect for your bro…
    and and btw– love the return-jabs at the person above your last comment!(no offence meant to him 😀 )

  14. See how happy you get for claiming something that you have no idea of. Well as you said that you don’t have time to reply similarly I didn’t have time to put punctuation marks. I use a fake name because I am you friend and you know me.
    If you think logically, just because you don’t know whether God exists or not that doesn’t mean HE will cease to exist. I have a rational mind and am saying this as I know that God exists. This is not based on some arbitrary religion talk which forces me to believe God exists but based on the fact that you can see him before dying. You would certainly believe in God if you could see him before dying right and not waiting for “moksha” or “swarg” . Stop making a mockery of God , the only fact you are proving is that you are a fool.
    Also the only reason I use a empathizing tone is that I know you wouldn’t understand this because this stuff is too complicated for a pea sized brain you have. So sorry again and no offence.

  15. man ur d best… @ rahul, its not he who has no idea of, its you, having an imaginary frnd at such an old age is cos u have no confidence in facing a problem if it occurs to u… u need sum1 else to sort it out for u… u say we dont know if god exists or not, no, we do know, he doesnt… so doesnt santa, or any other such fantasy u got goin on.. its u hu dont know wether he exists.. basing everything on facts and proof, u will not b able to provide both… wat ur actually sayin is “stop making mockery of santa or he wont give you gifts for christmas” , cmon man!!

  16. @Rahul – Just read everything you said with a Chinese accent. 😛 Hillarious shit. As Russel Peters would say, “Why you no use punctuation!? Be a men!”
    @ Ashish – Nice article. Not sure I completely agree with everything (neither that you should nor would care 😛 ) but good read! Especially liked ” …doomed to hell (where people communicate only in SMS language)” Lol.

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