Once Upon a Time in Delhi…

You know that feeling when you wake up after a wild night – a night that involved Jagermeister, beer bongs and doing coke off Dimpy’s Mahajans – and look around, wondering “Where am I? Who’s that woman next to me? And WHY DOES SHE HAVE A GOATEE?”

It was that disorienting to wake up to the news this week. Little slices of madness were thrown our way each morning. It began with the collapse of a bridge outside the Jawaharlal Nehru stadium in Delhi, making us shake our heads in despair because Kalmadi hadn’t been standing under it.

Now I know you’re sick of CWG news. And yes, cracking jokes about it is very easy, like kicking a kid. Then again, some kids deserve a roundhouse kick to the face (If this statement made you think of Darsheel Safary, then congratulations – I’ll see you in Hell)

So in the run-up to the Games, here’s a quick step-by-step account of how it all happened:

1. 2003: Delhi bids for the 2010 Games, with the other contender being Ontario, Canada. Delhi wins the bid comfortably by flashing a country-made revolver at the meeting.

2. Cut to 2010. Suresh Kalmadi gets out of his gold-plated bed, puts on diamond-encrusted briefs and announces that the Games will be awesome. Inference: Kalmadi has just returned from a great Manali trip.

3. Corruption in the CWG is exposed. The sheer scale of the scam makes Mayawati feel insecure, so she gets another bunch of statues built, but with a bigger codpiece. Meanwhile, Arnab goes into hyperactive banshee mode, decrying Kalmadi, Dixit, M S Gill, the Sports Ministry, Pakistan and Lady Gaga in one breath. Suhel Seth is visibly aroused.

4. The famous toilet-paper news rolls in (sorry). 4000-rupee toilet paper becomes Delhi’s new status symbol, with new-money “Jat Boyzzz” buying it for their friends, girlfriends and buffaloes (Sometimes, all three are the same)

5. More reports of corruption tumble out, with the total cost of the Games estimated at 65000 crores. Mayawati gives up and goes off to seek solace in the Temple of Mayawati.

6. A.R Rahman presents a CWG anthem that angers Delhiites due to its lack of bhangra beats. The situation is resolved when Rahman adds a ‘bhhrrwwwaaah’ to it, although he’s still unclear on what a ‘tutak’ is.

7. The Games Village is thrown open, only to discover that certain deposits have already been made in the toilet area. Sources say Mani Shankar Aiyar was spotted scampering across the Village carrying a bag of laxatives.

8. Kalmadi assures us that the Games Village will be cleaned up if everybody chips in. He then suggests mopping up the mess with that thing growing on Jairam Ramesh’s head.

9. The agitating Jats of Haryana threaten to disrupt the Games by marching thousands of bullocks and oxen into Delhi. For maximum impact, they convince Sanjeev Nanda to ride one of the bulls.

10. Kalmadi gets a new job. He will now feature on packs of Durex Long-Lasting condoms. Tagline: Nice guys finish last.

Seriously though, I hope the Games go off well, so that we can go back to more innocent times, when the most embarrassing thing about Delhi was the rape industry. Until then, I say we cheer for India. Bhhrrwwwaaah!

(Note: This is my HT column, dated 26th Sep 2010)


7 responses to “Once Upon a Time in Delhi…

  1. You forget Delhi is also the second largest source for tartlets to the Reality Show Industry, narrowly missing top slot to the Jerry Springer show!

  2. Dude..u totally rock!!!!!

  3. the roundhouse part reminded me of chuck norris. so, where will you see me? 🙂

  4. Rape industry, and then what Col Zodiac said. Awesome 🙂

  5. Hahaha…yes, back to those innocent times when rape is India's favourite pastime only second to Mahabharath on Sunday mornings.

  6. Next up: offended party from Ayodhya verdict ransacks Games Village. Foreign athletes go back home with more than cow-on-road footage. Pakistan shrugs and offers some well-meaning internal security tips to India.

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