By the time you read this, the monsoon may have hit Mumbai the way it’s supposed to – like a full-blown love affair – instead of grudgingly flirting with us like an underpaid bar girl.
Apart from bhajias, bhuttas and leptospirosis, the monsoon will be marked by the media throwing important, eye-opening headlines at you, such as “Mumbai’s Monsoon Report Card!”, “Does that umbrella make your butt look fat?” and “Kareena Kapoor carried away by strong breeze.”
It’ll be hard to keep up with so much news. Fortunately, you don’t need to. All you need is the following Generic Monsoon News Special that tells you exactly what news channels will be saying for the next three months.
THE GENERIC MONSOON NEWS SPECIAL
ANCHOR: Good evening and welcome to Slime Now. My name, for legal reasons, is Gornab Aswami and you’re watching our Generic Monsoon News Special. Every news channel is showing the same footage as us, but here you get to marvel at the sound of my voice, which, I must warn you, may cause your wife to spontaneously fling her lingerie at the TV.
As you can tell by my grave and serious expression, I had too much rajma last night. Also, something grave and serious has just happened. An event Mumbaikars have never witnessed before. That’s right – Milan Subway is flooded. Let’s go straight to our reporter Rinku for more details.
REPORTER RINKU: Thank you Gornab. I’m standing outside Mumbai’s famous Milan Subway, although why one would call this a subway is beyond me. I’ve seen handbags that are bigger than this.
GORNAB: That’s great Rinku. Now can you tell us what exactly is happening at Milan Subway?
REPORTER RINKU: The place is flooded. Vehicles here are sinking quicker than Kites at the box-office. And as usual, the BMC’s confused and clueless, like Pritam at an Ethics class. To top it off, I’m surrounded by guys who insist on staring at the camera, as if they expect Marilyn Monroe to pop out of it and sing ‘Happy Birthday’.
GORNAB: I see. This is a grave human tragedy indeed, worse than the time I saw Shobha De without make-up. Now we must interrupt the sound of my voice to bring you another exclusive, never-before-seen event. Dadar is flooded. Reporter Rocky has more.
REPORTER ROCKY: Yes Gornab, as you can see, Dadar TT is completely flooded. The locals here suspect that this is the work of a North Indian.
GORNAB: Gadzooks! I’d love to milk that throwaway comment, but I have with me on the phone right now, Chief Engineer for the BMC, Mr. Fixkare. Mr. Chief Engineer, I want to begin by asking you this – how the hell do you sleep at night??
VOICE: Hello? I –
GORNAB: How dare you call yourself an engineer?
VOICE: Please let me spe-
GORNAB: The people of Mumbai demand an explanation!
VOICE: But I –
GORNAB: YYARRGHHH! This. Is. SPARTAAA!!!! *spittlespittle*
VOICE: Sir, I’m not the BMC engineer! I’m just the telephone operator!
(A rare moment of silence. Gornab regains composure.)
GORNAB: So as you saw, that was a clear case of government apathy. Luckily, it’s now time for an uplifting story about Mumbai’s Spirit and Resilience.
AUDIENCE: We’d prefer leptospirosis instead.
(Note: This is my HT column dated 13th June 2010.)