The Kochi IPL Scandal for Dummies

Firstly, let me state that even though I may be four beers down, I’m fully aware that you readers are absolutely sick of the Kochi controversy.

I understand that you’d rather be violated by a Mongoose bat (or an actual mongoose for that matter), than read another word about how Tharoor allegedly partook in shady dealings, instead of doing the job he was appointed to do, i.e. making small-talk at official dinners.

I get all that. But like it or not, this event is hugely important, because it means we don’t have to think about real issues like Dantewada. (Also, that issue is being pondered over by the likes of Arundhati Roy, who not so long ago, described the Dantewada Naxals as ‘Gandhians with Guns’, which is like saying Bobby Darling is a man, but with some lady parts.)

Therefore, as a responsible humour columnist, I must write about this IPL controversy, since the alternative would be to find a real job. So let’s have a quick look at the sequence of events:

1. Kochi trumps much-favoured Ahmedabad to win its very own IPL team. Keralites are delighted at the prospect of their favourite son, Sreesanth, finally earning his rightful spot as Head Cheerleader.

2. India wakes up to find that one of the owners of the Kochi IPL team is Sunanda Pushkar, a former beautician. Upon learning this, Sreesanth asks her for a free facial.

3. Tharoor, also known as ‘The Justin Bieber of Indian politics’, is incensed when Lalit Modi tweets about the former’s relationship with Ms. Pushkar. (I understand how Mr. Tharoor feels because I too, used to get upset when somebody publicised the fact that I liked a certain girl. In my defence, I was 13.)

4. An epic bout of mudslinging begins, with Tharoor’s aide referring to Modi as a convicted drug trafficker who was also once charged with assault and kidnapping. Such a man, they say, has no business running the IPL. I agree. With drugs, kidnapping and assault on his track record, Mr. Modi is fit to be sent to only one place – Parliament.

5. Tharoor’s camp goes on to add that the Minister received threats from D-Gang, asking him to leave Modi alone. Later it turns out that the D-Gang had called Tharoor only because they wanted his help in setting up their official Twitter page.

6. Rendezvous claims that Modi had offered them 50 million dollars to leave the IPL. This claim makes Modi look like one of those pipe-smoking, silken robe-wearing rich daddies in old Hindi films, who bribes the poor hero (Kochi) to leave his daughter (the IPL) alone. Except that in this case, the father has also whored his baby out to corporate fat-cats who claim that she’s ‘ekdum Karbonn Kamaal’ in bed.

7. Lalit Modi rubbishes all these claims, but deep down you know he’s hurt because he needs Ms. Pushkar more than Tharoor does. After all, he could really use a beautician.

8. Shashi Tharoor tries to defend himself in Parliament, but the opposition greets him with the same respect one would accord a hijra at Bombay Gymkhana.

This pretty much sums up the entire controversy. Also, if I’m assaulted or kidnapped as a result of this column, you know whom to arrest.

(Note: This was my HT column dated 18th April 2010.)

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9 responses to “The Kochi IPL Scandal for Dummies

  1. Good one as always. Please don't get a real job, it will deprive us all of some really good reading and you of all joy in life.

  2. Hahaha .. "Tharoor, also known as 'The Justin Bieber of Indian politics'," and Modi as the rich daddy .. hehehe… *still laughing*. Man this was funny! Could you have pulled in the PM and BCCI into this too? Or are they reserved for the conclusion of this Kochi IPL scandal?

  3. Hahaha… “with drugs, kidnapping and assault… Modi is fit to be sent to only one place – Sansad. This is funnily fun.Good punch, Sir. Shake Ya. hehahah….

  4. Excuse the speeling mistakes because I just broke my left little finger when I fell off the chair and surprise surprise I was actually laughing …..Yr next item of ridicule should be the Match Fixing in the IPL and while you are at it throw in a few lines abt the Pakis not getting a piece of the IPL pie …. You could take a shot at Zardari as well (apprently he s been stripped off his POWERS only )Gr8 JobCheers AC

  5. so funny! I love all your posts!!! 🙂

  6. Lol! That was funny! Loved your blog..Will add thou on Reader rightaway! 🙂

  7. Great you are back in form..wow..HILLARIOUS..really laughed..benneton ad comparison..wow..alphabets of salman..so funny ..the way you have described…Chahey woh Priyanka chopra ki apni karwaa chauth ki mehendi ki tweet pic ho…ya phir sonam ko miley raah chaltey spider ki tweet pic..no one can beat what salman tweetpicd…he said hez with a fan of his..and he tweeted the pic of the zameen electric fan..now beat that creativity..LOL

  8. This was a much bigger scandal than we know. Contextual Ad Network India

  9. I love your blog, cheers me up immensely 🙂 'Justin Bieber of Indian politics' Hilarious 😀 😀

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