Love Sex aur Travel: A Mumbai Romance

I’ve recently spent a lot of time thinking about relationships. This is unusual for someone who’s been incapable of making a long-term commitment to anything except the Batman franchise. No seriously, my track record is a disaster of Vivek Oberoi-proportions, and the blame for that lies naturally, on the city’s local trains.

I’ll explain. You see, a typical Mumbai love story goes like this:

Boy meets Girl. They fall in love. Boy and Girl happen to live in two different areas, separated from each other by what seems to be the entire Asian landmass. Boy braves local train to meet Girl, even though he’s not being entirely faithful, as is evident from the fellow commuter’s briefcase making love to his bottom. So Boy stops commuting to meet Girl. Girl gets angry. When Girl gets angry, volcano explodes on Jupiter. No wait, that’s Sabu. But you get the idea.

(Relationships are easier in cities like Delhi, where apparently, one doesn’t need a lady’s permission to have intimate relations with her.)

Honestly, if I had a buck for every time I came across a local long-distance love story, I’d be able to buy that goddamn MRF blimp (or as it’s known these days, Yuvraj Singh.) Over the years, I’ve seen Borivali date Belapur, Walkeshwar waltz with Juhu and Colaba go off to meet Andheri, only to die of monoxide poisoning along the way.

Some lucky ones get to date within their own postal code, but even then, practical issues keep popping up like eunuchs at a signal. For example, real-estate prices in the city have ensured that now along with rents equalling the GDP of a small African nation, you also have to hand over one kidney to your landlord. (On the plus side, it needn’t be your own kidney.)

Also, many areas (i.e. areas that *you* want to live in) treat young bachelors the same way a father might treat Shoaib Malik if he came asking for his daughter’s hand.

Therefore, it’s quite common to see people my age (25 while sober, 16 otherwise) and older still living with their parents. This gives rise to an important question: Where do couples go to discuss deep questions like ‘Oh baby, who’s your paternal figure?’

Well, Mumbaikars aren’t short of imagination. I once chanced upon a couple at a popular hillside in New Bombay, making love on a narrow rocky ledge that overlooked a steep valley. Had they rolled about even slightly, they would’ve fallen off, thus adding a whole new dimension to the word ‘climax’. Also, this was happening at four in the afternoon, with the girl lying bare-backed on the blisteringly hot rock. (A frying-pan fetish, maybe?)

Of course, many urban couples avoid all this by living in together. But live-in relationships can get dangerous. The concept of willingly moving in with your girlfriend reminds me of that drunken guy who – also willingly, mind you – wandered into the elephant’s enclosure at Byculla zoo last week, only to be crushed to death for leaving the toilet seat up.

So as you can see, love isn’t easy. If you, dear reader, are having problems and are wondering what to do, just remember, it’s all about being mature and asking yourself one very important question – What would Batman do?

(Note: This was my HT column dated 4th April 2010.)

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15 responses to “Love Sex aur Travel: A Mumbai Romance

  1. I think traffic is a grand conspiracy to fuel inter-city romances than intra-city romances. It's easier to get to another city than commute within the city itself.

  2. You can also find so called Love & Sex in local train.wen its too crowded in peak hours.boy holding a gal………n despite of all the rush they still being very happy in their romance……. what to do….. woh kehte hain naa. "Mumbai me to sur chhipaneki bhi jagah nahi" yaha toh bahut kuchh chhipana hai…so laocal train hi sahi.. 😉

  3. *Relationships are easier in cities like Delhi, where apparently, one doesn't need a lady's permission to have intimate relations with her.*LMAO. Hilarious and true. A colleague of mine once broke up with someone because he lives in Malad and she lived in town.

  4. Nice one.. good and logical humour 🙂 still cant stop smiling…

  5. Gotham city needs you – forget the girl.Talking about Sabu- you'll need a wise mentor like Chacha to sort this out.All smiles , post the read.

  6. Dude, you are too good – why dont you write more often!

  7. Resisting a smirk at my very learned friends who love bashing every city that's not Mumbai…Good one, Mr Shakya!

  8. well Batman would either take her to the inaccessible BatMobile or the his secret lab…..for me….it's quite difficult…..can't take her back to my home…..not cause of the parents….(well i'm one of those lucky guys living alone more on that later) but cause of the my landlord…who won't even allow bitch into his house…he reminds me of Late Amrish Puri of Hungama…..than i can't go to the girls house…..u know parents….her parents…..it's very difficult to find a good place…..one thing i can suggest is to travel….to like ooty, Goa….etc….but on the rocks of New Bombay……(isn't it mumbhai?)…man that girl is one daredevil……under the hot sun..bare backed…on the rock….woooww

  9. Man Ashish! your "new dimension to the word ‘climax’" nearly got me off the cliff da…hahaha…keep coining.

  10. Awesome awesome. Can totally relate having lived in Delhi and Mumbai both 😀

  11. ha ha ha…relationships easier in deli huh!well i still prefer gotham city..batman rules

  12. I was giggling, snorting, guffawing and grinning throughout this post. If you look up 'laugh' in a thesaurus and find more fun words for the same, I probably did those too 😀

  13. Big Grin here…. no no its because my current gf lives far closer than previously failed attempts which helps in getting together more often than not and doing 'stuff' more often then not. Though like new new couples, we still have to find our private place somewhere in the public domain..sigh and even here have to jostle for space with other couples… sigh again.and oh loved the article. hilarious!!!!

  14. i love live in relationships

  15. ‘Oh baby, who’s your paternal figure?’

    Hot! 😀

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