Will Somebody Please Switch Off the Sun?

The Mumbai summer is upon us, unleashing its fury like a Pakistani who’s just discovered that his wife can read. It hit home last week or so, making this one of the few times that it’s socially acceptable to talk about the weather. Of course, when I say “talk”, I mean “describe the weather using cusswords that would make a Punjabi truck driver cringe.”

Summer is kind of like Shilpa Shetty – hot, irritating and totally pointless. In fact, things are so bad here that for once North Indians are actually considering staying in U.P, where there has been a boom in the field of Mayawati Statue Maintenance.

So last week, when confronted with such extreme weather, I did the opposite of what any pansy, AC-loving city boy should do – I went to Brabourne for the Mumbai-Rajasthan match.

In the afternoon.

You see, I love the IPL. It’s as if the game of cricket went ahead and decided to have a ridiculously loud bachelor party. I’m also a Mumbai Indians fan, despite the fact that from the start, they’ve been about as reliable as the Mira Road water supply. But most of all, I was excited about watching a match without being subjected to that cellphone ad featuring Akshay Kumar and his demented laugh (maybe he lost his mind after watching his own films?)

As I entered the hallowed gates with friends and fellow fans in tow, the Mumbai Indians theme song filling up our senses and every beat, every thump racing to our heads, I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in a while – the Niagara Falls of Sweat rushing down my body, boldly going where only lovers or doctors ought to go.

We had East Stand seats, which are highly recommended for those who want to die of sunstroke. The ambience was great though. We were surrounded by loud, manic fans who were unfamiliar with the concept of ‘personal space’ and danced wildly every time our batsmen did something extraordinary, such as make contact with the ball. I mean what better way to enjoy a well-timed shot than to feel your chair being humped by the guy behind?

Also, watching a match in the stadium gives you a golden opportunity to call your loser friends who’re at home, and find out who the hell is on strike, because from where you’re sitting, Saurabh Tiwary might as well be Nita Ambani in a helmet. There was other entertainment on display too, such as the foreign cheerleaders, who have been brought here to send out a very positive cricketing message, i.e., “A pelvic thrust knows no borders.”

Anyway, after the first innings, we couldn’t take the heat anymore. I realised what the early Israelites must have felt like, roaming around in the desert for 40 years, until they finally had enough and took a cab to the Bombay Gym to watch the match on TV. Or at least that’s what we did.

Die-hard cricket fans may boo us for leaving a match halfway, but we won, so I’m going to take that as a sign that God, aka Sachin Tendulkar, wants me to watch the IPL in sublime comfort. It would also help if Akshay Kumar stopped laughing like Rahul Mahajan.

(NOTE: This is my HT column, dated 21st March 2010.)

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13 responses to “Will Somebody Please Switch Off the Sun?

  1. good one, this. Hope the Mumbai Indians play the evening match…if u'll ever go to a stadium again.:D

  2. ROFL! Great stuff! Still LMAO @ "A pelvic thrust knows no borders."

  3. your writing is quite popular at my work! real good work.Ruchira

  4. u kinda raised the bar damn high with 'Gentlemen, welcome to Fat Club'. This one didnt really measure up i thought. or maybe its just the heat…;)

  5. Aila..wat a coincidence. Even I went watch that match and I too had seat in East stand. Just when I was entering the stadium, a couple of guys asked if I can exchange the tickets. I went ahead! The new tickets were actually from west stand.Even in West stand, it was really tough to bear the HOT SUN, I can imagine how it would have been at the place you were seated!!Did I say Your writing is awesome??? How can i miss that in all the heat! 🙂

  6. (maybe he lost his mind after watching his own films?)Haha! That's what I'm thinking :)P.S. It's funny how I read your stuff here instead of in the HT.On what page does your column appear?

  7. hilarious.nah, don't subscribe to HT , so catch your writing here. you always make me laugh.

  8. haha…That Shilpa remark "hot, irritating and totally pointless".Man, that was a great punch.–Shake ya.

  9. HA HA HA HA HA! Really good! And oh… Shilpa Shetty is awesome, by the way!Let's do dinner sometime. Will be in Vashi next week. 🙂

  10. Very well written. Awesome analogies… loved reading the Niagara falls!Would love it if you get time to visit my blog..http://bit.ly/aDKvw5 – inbreeding in politicshttp://bit.ly/ccgRfK a reflection of a movie – Memento

  11. Aww..you write crazy stuff others couldnt get away with…I also love twtw but I wonder if cyrus uses your stuff that much???

  12. Hey there,Just read copious amounts of your blogs.In a world where political correctness has gone way beyond the gambit of a Mulayam Singh (read his comments on the Women's bill) a few more free wheeling journos like you and we can kick ass. Bravo to you and keep it coming . CheersAkash

  13. Pingback: Whether the Weather Matters | Mostly Harmless

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