Loo-natics!

Dr. Freud led a long, busy life, most of which was dedicated to correcting people when they mispronounced his name. “It’s pronounced like Reuters!!”, he’d scream in frustration. His temper was obviously a manifestation of a very complex Complex, which is explained in great detail in his book ‘The Interpretation Of Dreams’, which, as the title suggests, is unmatched in putting people to sleep.

However, people like Freud have made significant conclusions like “Man is a highly complex animal”, which are mostly true, except for the fact that men are not complex – they are just animals. So in an effort to help the ladies understand them better, I present to you (drumrolllll)

Things You Always Wanted To Ask Guys But They Were Too Busy Watching Football To Answer Your Stupid Questions.

Now while the following question may sound idiotic and even blasphemous to the average guy, keep in mind that it is an actual doubt that has been put forth to me.

If two guys are peeing, do they ever peek to see whose is bigger?

I was floored when I heard this question. It left me bamboozled, befuddled and utterly zapped (as you can see from the usage of words like ‘befuddled’). Why, in the name of everything that is holy and heterosexual, would girls think such a thing? (Mind you I don’t have anything against gay people – they make for great stereotypes) I was then told that “chicks totally check each other out in changing rooms” and the realisation that “mine are bigger than hers” have made many a girl happy. Now you see why it would be totally natural for girls, who are genetically designed to go to the loo in packs even if just one girl wants to pee, to ask such a question. And the answer is:

No. Nada. Nyet. Never. NAHIIIINNN!!

Whenever guys step into a public urinal, their eyes automatically start searching for The Blind Spot. This is a spot that lies somewhere in the lower confines of the urinal, where the chances of seeing another guy’s you-know-what* are zero. Once their eyes lock on to The Blind Spot, they focus on it with monk-like concentration, until the deed is done. Although I must admit, it’s getting harder and harder (no pun intended) to find The Blind Spot, what with new fangled minimalistic toilet designs and extra narrow slabs separating two men. It’s a salute to our evolutionary skills that we can find The Blind spot, even when we’re peeing on an open road.**

Peeking is not even an option according to The Guys Handbook, which states that “If two guys are peeing, and one of them needs to talk to the other, then he must talk without turning to look at the other guy. Even if one guy is peeing, and the other’s not, you DO NOT LOOK.” An exception can be made only in emergencies such as The Deadly Zipper Bite, wherein a guy has full liberty to turn towards the victim and laugh and click pictures. It is also perfectly acceptable to walk up behind a friend who’s peeing, and push him so that his face meets the wall ahead in a collision worthy of F1. This is a safe prank, unless the would-be victim turns around, striking pre-emptively with his hosepipe (this never happens though – it’s a tricky manoeuvre)

So there you have it, ladies. While you’re gossiping and comparing sizes in the loo, guys are busy pushing each other into bathroom walls. I’m putting myself at great peril by bringing you this Classified Guy Information, but if I don’t write about real issues like these, then who will? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the loo. And if anybody tries to push me, I *will* use The Force.

*Face.
**No girls, we’re not gonna stop doing that, no matter how many disgusted faces you make.

This article was published in JAM Magazine, dated 30 May – 14 June 2007.

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