Confessions Of An Ex-Teenager

Every number etched on to the scoreboard of life brings with it a certain set of follies and eccentricities. At one stage we’re drooling babbleheads, bawling, laughing, throwing up and tripping over at random, much to the amusement of people around us. Once this phase passes, we realise that we shouldn’t have drunk so much the previous night and WHO IS THIS HAIRY WOMAN LYING NEXT TO ME???

But indulging in crazy, drunken acts is something that most of you might have to wait for, until you’re as old as Alister Pereira at least. This brings me to the subject of this article.

How To Cheat On A Blood-Alcohol Test.

Ok no, seriously, I’m talking about teenagers. Maybe you’re a teen, maybe you’re not, but there’s no way you can ignore the pimply brats. Especially if you, like me, were a part of this brigade not so long ago.

When I look at the teens of today, I can’t help but contemplate on the fleeting nature of time and how the shift into ‘adulthood’ suddenly alters your priorities. I contemplate for about two seconds, after which the teens’ cargo pants catch my attention. With enough pockets to hold the entire cast of a Barjatya movie (dog included), these pants dangle off the end of their butts, as if to show gravity the finger. Only they show a lot more. Not a pretty sight. When it comes to hairstyles, the gelled look is dominant, with styles ranging from ‘I look like a mafia don (with braces)’ to ‘I look like the dominatrix from that movie which I saw when I was alone at home, but my friends think the style’s like cool, so yeah, like whatever’.

And that’s just the guys.

The girls, as always, are smarter in that they actually look older than they are. This gives rise to awkward situations, such as when a friend spotted a deceptive specimen (he later termed her as a BHBB* – Badi Hokar Babe Banegi). The sight of her brought about several thoughts in his ex-teenager mind, thoughts about acts that are illegal in all civilised countries.

Yes, he was thinking of using her as a suicide bomb to blow up Parliament. All because he was stuck in traffic for hours due to a political rally. My friend has shit for brains really. An air-strike is way more effective than a suicide bomb.

Anyway, I see all these teenagers with the same bored expression on their faces, hanging out at the same old malls, scoring dope from the same old dealers and my sympathies go out to them. For this is the generation that has never even heard the electronic moans of a dial-up modem, never paid a paisa for incoming calls, never enjoyed a movie on a 50 buck ticket and never, for the love of God, watched DD Metro for more than 5 minutes.

And if this privileged generation sits around all day with a glazed expression that says ‘Lost a PS3, Found an Atari’, then something’s really wrong. Apart from the fact that I don’t own a PS3, that is.

My generation ushered India from the socio-economically straitjacketed era, to a glorious era where Shahrukh Khan did not have an ugly block of hair sticking out from behind his neck. We couldn’t do much about his nose though.

But can these these young padawans lead us into the future where, to misquote Tagore, the head is held high, and the fridge is never without beer?

I mailed this question to a few teens and have been trying to decipher their replies ever since. Here, you try:

im a rtrd n cnt typ 4 nutz lolllzz v rockkzzz

*The opposite of BHBB is the classic concatenation, Bunty.
Babe + Aunty = Bunty. This message is issued in public interest.

Toon: Vivek Thakkar

This article was published in JAM Magazine, dated 30 Apr – 14 May 2007.


6 thoughts on “Confessions Of An Ex-Teenager

  1. i had read some where that this gen of teens is going to be smarter than ours… havent yet seen one such specimen… doubt if i’ll see it either.. and the way i look at it, our gen has seen everything under the sun (modem to broadband and A-DSL included)… and that is what probably makes us a bit more appreciative of the fact that the fridge these days is NEVER short on beer!! hehe..

  2. I liked the article.. and the toon.. and it was funny on the whole… but…What the hell happened to the article on cheating a blood-alcohol test???

  3. nice article man…there seems to be a generation gap developing between people that are just a few years apart these days…and yeah i think they(as in the teens/punks) are getting dumber by each generation…i feel so wise and old among them..its not even funny anymore!

  4. 13 year olds listen to american day and bands i have not even heard about. bade forward hain.when i was 13…i used to watch alif laila.

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