If You’re Indian And You Know It, Watch TV!

Friends, Indians, countrymen and six million illegal Bangladeshi immigrants living under my sink, I want to wish you all a very happy Independence Day. Independent India is soon going to be sixty five years old, or to put it in politician years, foetus. It’s weird to think that some of the people ruling us today were around during the British Raj, dreaming of the day when India would no longer be under the thumb of a white lady. They’re still dreaming.

Anyway, it’s a great time to be Indian, as long as you’re not Kashmiri, North-Eastern, poor, Dalit, a minority, a farmer, female or worse, from Kolkata. On the bright side, we did put up our best show ever at the Olympics, especially with Mary Kom teaching India about grit, grace and more importantly, Manipur. She has inspired a whole generation of women, such as small-time model Gehna Vashisht who went nude to celebrate the spirit of India and Photoshop. Having googled Gehna Vashisht, I can honestly say that I’m reminded of Helen of Troy, because Gehna’s is the face that launched a thousand STDs.

This year, as always, we will indulge in our usual display of patriotism and military might, also known as Ek Tha Tiger. Fun fact: Pakistan had reportedly banned the promos of the film, which means that every man, woman, child and goat in Pakistan has seen them. Let’s face it – the only Pakistani ban that worked was the one they put on democracy. Anyway, the promos were banned because Pakistan felt that they showed the ISI in a bad light. Hey, you know what really shows the ISI in a bad light? Kargil.

Meanwhile, our idea of celebrating freedom is nursing a hangover while watching patriotic films on TV. And by patriotic, I mean any film that shows us pulverizing our neighbour, be it in ’71, ’99 or even ’47, when Sunny Deol killed all of Pakistan with a hand-pump and got Amisha Patel in return. If you’ve ever seen Pakistani women, you know that is a rubbish trade off.

Then at some point, you take a break from the movies and start surfing news channels, and this is what it sounds like:

*CLICK*

Rajdeep: Hello and welcome to CNN-IBN. The hard-hitting question we’re asking today is ‘Is Independent India A Sexy Sexagenarian?’ And to answer that, we’ve dusted off and brought out our famous historian, Ramachandra Guha.

Guha: Before we answer this question, we must recollect the events of August 1947, 1912 GMT, 33 degrees East, 72 degrees North, when Pt. Nehru took a deep breath, and uttered the now-historic words, “Boss, Dadar kis side aayega?”

 *CLICK*

Hello and welcome to yet another edition of Newshour aka ARNAB IS AMAZEBALLS. Today The People demand to know: Are we really free? Are Suhel Seth and Mahesh Bhatt the same person? How come we never see them together? Are you Pakistani? Am I Pakistani? Is India Pakistani? And why the hell is baby nappy mein bhi happy?

 *CLICK*

KYA QUEEN ELIJABETH IS A MAANGLIK? KYA MIDGETS HAIN BHAGWAAN KE PAPERWEIGHT? DEKHTE RAHIYE INDIA TV!

 *CLICK*

The biggest spectacle is still the Independence Day parade, wherein the Prime Minister gets on top of the Red Fort and does the Macarena. OK, I don’t know what happens because I haven’t actually watched the parade in years. I mean if I wanted to watch Manmohan Singh speak, I would just stare at his picture really hard. As usual, he will make a speech listing out all of his government’s achievements in the past year, so try not to blink or sneeze.

Then a bunch of different floats will go by, each representing a different Indian state. Let’s be honest: if it weren’t for these floats, you wouldn’t even know about the new states that keep cropping up, like Uttarakhand, or Orissa (Odisa? Orisha? Oreos?) Also, I can’t wait to see the U.P float just sitting there, refusing to move until someone promises them “half-return”. And I bet the Haryana float is just one giant ultrasound machine.

So everything said and done, spending Independence Day in front of the TV is not a bad thing at all. It involves sitting around and living off the hard work of our forefathers. And what could be more Indian than that? Jai Hind. Or as Manmohan Singh puts it, (THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK)

(Note: This is my HT column dated 12th Aug, 2012. Cross-posted from here.)

P.S. ANOTHER, MORE IMPORTANT NOTE: Regular readers may have noticed that the frequency of the column has been changed from weekly to fortnightly. I’ve been assured by HT that this is temporary, but nonetheless, massive withdrawal symptoms are setting in. I want to be able to do this every week. So here’s a small request: if you’ve ever liked any of my work, please drop in a comment here saying, “Hey HT, make it weekly!”, or send in a mail to ashish.shakya85@gmail.com saying the same thing. This will make sure I don’t die alone, sobbing and curled up in a foetal position next to my laptop. And it may help get the column back into weekly mode. Help me out and may Ryan Gosling and/or Anne Hathway do unspeakably satisfying things to you. C’mon. Send that mail. Write that comment. Do it for Sachin. Thank you.

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262 responses to “If You’re Indian And You Know It, Watch TV!

  1. Hey HT, make this a weekly thing! We love these columns!

  2. Hey HT, make it weekly…

  3. HT make it weekly!

  4. Hey HT, make it weekly! ( I’m doing it for Sachin, not you:P)

  5. “Hey HT, make it weekly!”

  6. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  7. HEY HT,MAKE IT WEEKLY! OKAY?

  8. Hey HT make it weekly!!!!!in fact it should be daily.love the way you write.

  9. Hey HT, make it weekly or what ever I can still visit his blog :)

  10. We as a nation still need to develop our sense of humor and satire. It is the one light hearted moment we get amidst the usual news of politics, sleaze and cricket! Ashish Shakya’s column has remained a wonderful start to my sunday since 2 years that I have been reading HT Mumbai. If the same rubbish political events, crime and sporting events etc can repeat every week in other pages, why not allow fresh satire every sunday instead of a fortnight?

  11. Hey HT, make it weekly

  12. Nishank Agrawal

    That parade and float thing happen at Republic day, not at Independence day. And yes, Hey HT, make it weekly!

  13. Hey HT, make it weekly!

    Wit such as this column’s, needs a more frequent audience.

  14. Hey HT, make it weekly! Make it and go!

  15. Come on, HT, you can’t make this guy a bimonthly! He’ll die!

  16. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  17. Hey HT, make this column weekly

  18. HT, make this weekly, you shall.
    The force is strong with this one.

  19. Make it weekly.

  20. Hey HT, make it weekly!! Pleaassee!

  21. HT please make it weekly!

  22. HT MAKE IT WEEKLY OR THOUSANDS OF RUIA COLLEGE STUDENTS WILL DIE AS A RESULT!

  23. Hey HT. Weekly, column please!

  24. Please make it a weekly !

  25. Lisa Vankula-Donovan

    Hey H.T., make it weekly!!!!!!

  26. Lisa Vankula-Donovan

    Hey HT, make it weekly or even better, daily!!!

  27. Hey HT, make this a weekly thing!

  28. Weekly. Samjha? Kya samjha? Weekly, haan.
    Ja ke thanda la.

  29. Hey HT, make it a daily! (Waiting for the Catwoman now :) )

  30. Hey HT, make it DAILY! On the front page!

  31. Hey HT, make this a weekly thing! I wouldn’t mind daily even but I’m guessing it will be too much load on the poor-broad-fat-shoulders of my dearest stand-up comedian/writer. So till then,make this a weekly thing please please please!

  32. Hey HT, make it weekly! Keep the shit flying, sir!

  33. Hey HT, make it weekly.

  34. Hey buddy…. you got yourself mixed up there… the parade with the floats and stuff is only on Republic Day and not Independence Day. Aug 15th only involves the flag hoisiting….
    oh and. HEY HT, Make this weekly!

  35. Hey HT, make it weekly!!

  36. Hey HT, Make it Weekly. You do it for Sachin.
    But then Ashish…”Boss, Dadar kis side aayega?”…HOLY MAA KI CHOLI…Dhamaal boss, absolutely dhamaal.

  37. Hey HT make it daily if possible…..and if not then weekly please!

  38. Make it Weekly!

    As usual, good work ashish!

  39. Hey HT, make it weekly or else I’ll switch to TOI, which won’t be good for any of us. PLEASE!

  40. Sudharsan Narayanan

    Hey HT, make it weekly

  41. Come on HT… We all know Ashish writes awesome stuff. Please make it weekly.. Or better still, daily :-)

  42. HT, please make it weekly.
    In the midst of all the news about rapes and murders and molestations and corruption we need our daily/weekly dose of satire too!

  43. Hey HT, make it weekly! And hey Ashish Shakya, check your mail. I am still awaiting your reply for an interview.

  44. Hey HT make it weekly!

  45. hey HT,make it a weekly(so,how does this anne Hathaway thing work?)

  46. HT,please make it a weekly(so how does thia Anne Hathaway thing work actually?)

  47. Urvakshi Engineer

    HT, make it weekly…please !!!

  48. Hey HT, make it weekly!!

  49. Hey HT, make this weekly!

  50. Hey HT, make this a weekly column. He really has got a way with words, even if he’s mixed the republic Day Parade with the Flag Hoisting ceremony at the Red Fort!

  51. HEY HT! WHY U NO MAKE IT WEEKLY?

  52. as always, a good read. to many diversions this time frm the main point but way better than a lot of garbage.

  53. Shakya! You must write weekly..HT ! PLEASE PLEASE get this dose of humor every week..I’m addicted to it .

  54. Hey HT make it weekly

  55. Hey HT, make it weekly!!!

  56. Reblogged this on Varun's Blog and commented:
    Fuking hilarious satires on events in India

  57. Hey HT, screw weekly, make it a daily thing!

  58. Hey HT! Make this a weekly column!

  59. Hey HT make it weekly for the love of God and Gosling.

  60. Hey HT, make it weekly!!

  61. Hey HT, we need our weekly laughs, so please MAKE THIS WEEKLY. Thank you!

  62. Hey HT, make it weekly!!!

  63. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  64. Hey HT, make it weekly…

  65. There are no parades on independence day.

  66. Hello HT, Please make it Weekly.

  67. Weekly, please. He’ll work for food.

  68. make Ashish Shakya bi.weekly.

  69. Hey HT, make it weekly

  70. Hey HT, please make it weekly! *puppydogsadface*

  71. Janani Rajashekar

    Hey HT, make it weekly!

  72. “Hey HT, make it weekly!”

  73. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  74. harshal kulkarni

    Hey HT, make it weekly.

  75. Hey HT , make it weekly else yearly subscription cancel .ok ? ok !!

  76. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  77. Yo! HT make this a weekly thing please.

  78. Hey HT, make it a tri-daily! Or weekly. Whatever works.

  79. Hey HT, make it weekly! have you guys lost it!?
    Perhaps you need to throw in a few fart jokes and some simpler punchlines.

  80. Hey HT, make it weekly!!

  81. Hey HT! Make it weekly!!

  82. Hey HT, make it weekly!(wink wink)

  83. Hey HT …. Heaven’s sake make him daily! Or if you really wanna settle… I can manage a weekly… Have you not read him????? He’s brilliant!

  84. Hey Ht, make it weekly! ^_^

  85. Huzefa vadnagarwala

    Hey HT,make it weekly!!

  86. Hey HT,make it weekly!!!!

  87. Brilliant stuff as usual and hey HT make it weekly

  88. Cmon HT, make it weekly!!

  89. Hey HT, make it weekly…at least!!

  90. HT..brah… make it weekly brah!

  91. Hey HT, Make it Daily..

  92. Dude..u got mixed up..The Parade’s on the Republic Day..Irrespective of that..as usual amazing writeup…

    And also
    Hey HT, Please make it weekly!

  93. Siddharth Virkar

    Hey HT make it weekly.
    Period.

  94. hey HT, pls do make it weekly.
    i love them.

  95. Hey HT, make this weekly. Not For this Ashish or someone, BUT FOR SACHIN.

  96. HT, make it weekly. The man’s gotta live.

  97. “KYA MIDGETS HAIN BHAGWAAN KE PAPERWEIGHT?”
    Yes this is all i could take from the whole article. hahah.

    Also. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  98. MAKE IT WEEKLY MAKE IT WEEKLY MAKE IT WEEKLY SUNDAYS ARE JUST SO DEPRESSING WITHOUT SHAKYA WITH THE MORNING CHAI.

  99. Hey HT, make it weekly

  100. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  101. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  102. Hey HT, Make It WEEKLY!

  103. Hey HT, make it weekly!!!

  104. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  105. Hey pls pls pls plsssss make it weekly

  106. Hey HT, make it weekly

  107. HT MAKE IT WEEKLY YOU STUPID SODS!

  108. Hey HT, make it weekly!!

  109. Pleaseeee make this weekly!!

  110. Why in the world would they make it fortnightly? I think you should write every single day!

  111. Hey HT, make it weekly!!! PLLEAASSEEEE

  112. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  113. Vaishali Bhatia

    Hey HT , make it weekly man !

  114. Please let it be weekly, if not daily

  115. Hey HT , Make it weekly.

  116. So , More than humour it’s anger, isn’t it ? Nice to read differently . A good read .
    I don’t read HT . Its one of the most crap papers around , More than TOI . Do you want to continue writing for HT whole life ?

  117. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  118. weekly weekly weekly!!

  119. Hey HT, make it weekly. No! make it daily!

  120. hey HT please make this column weekly…it is awesome!

  121. Hey HT, Make it Weekly!

  122. Hey HT, Please make it weekly!

  123. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  124. For Sachin, man. For Sachin.

  125. Hey HT, Make it Weekly.

  126. hey HT, make it weekly…cos this is absolutely hilarious!

  127. “Hey HT, make it weekly!”

  128. Hey HT. How are You? Long time.. I’m Fine!

    Make it weekly.

  129. Hey HT, make it weekly

  130. Hey HT.. make it weekly or i dont buy your paper on alternate sundays >.<

  131. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  132. To everyone who commented or sent in an e-mail, thank you. No, seriously. I cannot stress that enough. I’ve sent the comments and mails to HT, who have been nice enough to not arrest me for spamming them. Hopefully things should work out soon, and I will be back to the weekly schedule of sobbing over my laptop while curled up in a foetal position an hour before deadline, trying to come up with something that’s half-decent. Good times, those. Thank you again.

  133. Hey HT!! MAKE IT WEEKLY! WE SURELY DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT!

  134. HT – call me weekly

  135. Hey HT, make it weekly! Weekly, weekly, WEEKLY!

  136. Make it weekly HT! Don’t be jealous of Ashish Shakya!

  137. Hey HT! Make it Weekly! Hope you know laughter is the best medicine & this makes me laugh my guts! So please do the needful

  138. LOL!! that parade is republic day…not that i knew..but figured from comments :p
    Anyways: Hey HT, make it weekly!

  139. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  140. Definitely a weekly please, HT!

  141. Republic day, not independence day!

    And yeah, make it weekly. I do wish you’d said Scarlett instead of Anne.

  142. Not like you have an option anymore, HT!
    WEEKLY!

  143. HINDUSTAN TIMES……I’LL SWITCH FROM TOI…MAKE IT WEEKLY!!!

  144. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  145. hey HT this needs to be weekly

  146. Oh, come on HT. Just make it weekly.

  147. Hey HT, make it weekly.
    May god give me a BJ from katrina for writing this..amen

  148. Make the column weekly again, HT.

  149. Hey HT, make this man a weekly thing. Seriously, we need the funny.

  150. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  151. Hey HT
    There’s only one thing India is worse at than the Olympics – producing good, original humour. Ashish’s column is that one true gold medalist of whom we feel proud and update our facebook with. Please make it a weekly column or bi-weekly if possible because he’s the king of humour. Don’t believe me? Look at the anagram – “Hasy ka shah is” Ashish Shakya.

  152. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  153. Independence day parade and state floats? Intentional?
    Nice column!

  154. “Hey HT, make it weekly!”

  155. Hey HT.. Gotta make ot weekly..!

  156. Hey HT, Make it Weekly !!

  157. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  158. Hey HT, make it weekly
    you have to do it…public demand..you see…

  159. abhijeetkandharkar

    Hey HT, make it weekly

  160. This is epic. (I had a few intensifiers in there too, but I removed them as an afterthought).

    Hey HT, make it weekly! I mean, c’mon, how could you be so idiotic?

  161. Hey HT! Make it weekly! Plis! ;)

  162. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  163. Waiting for a new article almost killed me through the last week. I can’t wait another 2 weeks for another article. Now HT, either make it weekly, or I’m joining Baba Ramdev.

  164. HT, make Ashish Shakya’s column weekly please!

  165. HT we wouldn’t mind daily, but weekly toh rakho

  166. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  167. Hey HT!! MAKE IT WEEKLY!

  168. Vivek Singhania

    “Hey HT, make it weekly!” ..guys let there be something worth reading in the newspapers… we are all aware of the gazillions of frauds and scams and rapes that happen… n trust me they are not quite interesting…so pls let there be some humour in our life…

  169. Hey HT, make this a weekly thing! We love these columns! He is really superb…. and been reading his columns for over a year now…liked them so much that read even those wen he hadnt joined HT. Dont let him die…atlest in foetal position….would be too awkward to carry ;)

  170. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  171. Hey HT, make it daily. Doc prescribes be a regular dose of humour .

  172. Prashant Gurram

    Please make it Weekly

  173. Hi HT make it weekly

  174. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  175. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  176. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  177. Sachin Tendulkar

    HT…oh HT…., make it weekly !

  178. Hey HT, We want it weekly! We want it weekly! (or daily for that matter!)

  179. Let him write as often as he wants, HT! I still laugh at his Anjana Zaveri joke, I mean that’s saying something!

  180. this shakya chap cracks me up…..:D

  181. Arvind srinivasan

    Hey HT plzz make it weekly !!

  182. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  183. Hey HT, make this column weekly

  184. oh come on now make it weekly HT

  185. Hey HT, Make it weekly !!
    Because sometimes fortnightly isnt good enough, because sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their persistence rewarded.

  186. make it weekly!!

  187. Hey HT, please make it weekly!!!

  188. hey HindustanTimes, make this column weekly again.

  189. HEY HT……………….. Make it weekly…

  190. HEY HT, MAKE IT A DAILY COLUMN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!Or Lamb Of God. BUT AT LEAST WEEKLY, K?

  191. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  192. Hey HT, make it weekly

  193. Ashish there is no parade on independence day. It happens on republic day

  194. Awesome humor. HT, Please make it weekly, …for Sachin!!

  195. Hey HT,make it weekly!

  196. Hey HT! We need our weekly dose of Shakya :)
    So make it weekly!

  197. EVERDAY MATE!!! MAKE IT EVERYDAY.. U ARE A FREGGIN GENIUS!!

  198. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  199. FunnyBoneNeedsTickling

    For the love of Anne Hathway, HT make this weekly!!

  200. Dear HT guys who matter.. I really missed this column on sunday. Please make it weekly..plssssssssss

  201. Hey HT suspend this column and fire this turd burglar.

  202. “Hey HT, make it weekly

  203. HEY HT, PLEASE MAKE IT WEEKLY!

  204. Hey HT make it weekly!!!!! And fast!!!

  205. Utkarsh Topiwala

    Hey HT, Make it Weekly.

  206. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  207. Varshini Rajagopal

    Hey HT, make it weekly!

  208. Hey HT, make it weekly

  209. Hey HT, Make it weekly! In fact, DAILY!

  210. Hey HT, make it weekly! This is good shit!

  211. please, we need this..make it weekly, HT.

  212. I’m a li’l late, but still, HEY HT, MAKE IT WEEKLY!

  213. Weekly, please!!

  214. In the name of He who must not be named… I strongly suggest HT to make it weekly ;).

  215. “Hey HT, make it weekly!”

  216. Sagar Hiren Desai

    Hey HT, make it weekly!

  217. Make it weekly please!!

  218. Hey HT, make this a weekly thing! We love these columns!

  219. Hey HT make it weekly. India needs this!

  220. His articles need to come daily, HT!
    Do it NOW!

  221. Heyy HT, make this a weekly column pls…Else, the rest of us Indians will die a slow painful death outta sheer boredom!

  222. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  223. Hey HT, make it weekly

  224. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  225. Hey HT make this a weekly thing!

  226. Is it weekly yet??!?? Pls make it a weekly :)

  227. Hey HT make this a weekly thing!

  228. Hey HT, make it weekly

  229. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  230. Hey HT, Make it weekly!

  231. Hey HT, Make it weekly!

  232. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  233. Hey HT, stop this nonsense. First, the blog name and the style of writing is similar to Sidin Vadukut (lot less quality, of course). Second, it is always factually incorrect. Satire is awesome when it actually takes facts and twists them. Your writing has only incorrect references.

    To be humorous, you got to be smart. I don’t think you are, and your work is proof of that.

    Finally, have the courage to publish negative comments (you know what i mean)

  234. I love your pieces. Do you still need that comment for weekly?

  235. make it weekly,please

  236. In case you still need it, Hey HT, make it weekly!
    You are massively hilarious and I would LOVE to read more of your work. Great stuff!

  237. Indpendence day has a parade of different states.. i think you have mistaken it for republic day

  238. Hey HT.. make it weekly :) BTW, , arent the floats paraded on Republic day?

  239. Hey HT, make it weekly! :)

  240. Hey HT, make it weekly. make it weekly… make it weekly….
    There that should do it!:-)

  241. HT, PLEASE PLEASE make this weekly!

  242. The Ardent Bhaiya

    Hey HT make it Daily!

  243. Hey HT, make it DAILY!

  244. Hey HT make it weekly! Jaan loge kya bacche ki!

  245. Hey HT, make it weekly !

  246. Hey HT, make it weekly! OKAY? OKAY.
    Sincerely,
    A fan of the line “ARE MIDGETS BHAGWAAN KE PAPERWEIGHT?”

  247. Hey HT, make it weekly!

  248. I hope it’s weekly by now!

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