The Week India Went Full Retard. Again.

Stop reading this column. No, really. It doesn’t offer magic solutions, and it will not change the country you and I live in. It reeks of helplessness, and of a young woman whose images were seared into national consciousness, destroying the notion of Indian propriety that we’d been cuddling with all these years.

But enough about Sherlyn Chopra.

I don’t know what to say about the Guwahati tragedy that hasn’t been said already. Then again, neither does anyone else in the media. That’s because incidents like this generate a series of reactions that are as predictable as a Rohit Shetty movie (Step 1. Be obnoxious. Step 2. “Look, flying Scorpio!” Step 3. Someone please introduce Ajay Devgn to a toothbrush.) The pattern in this case played out as follows:

1. A class XI student gets horrifically assaulted on the streets of Guwahati following an altercation at a pub. A local news channel films the incident and soon enough, the video goes viral, displacing last week’s viral star, Jackie’s Shroff’s aunt.

2. Talking heads start asking the right questions: Why was the girl at a pub? Was she drunk? Why are people asking us for opinions when it is clear that we have the brains of goat poop? The District Collector of the area even said that he would take action against bars that flout norms, and that the bar was supposed to have shut at 10 p.m. Yes Sir, and your mom’s legs should have stayed shut on your parents’ honeymoon.

3. Then it was time for Kiran Bedi to jump into the fray, who did so with all the grace of a tightrope walker splattering against the ground. According to the lady, pubs attract hooliganism and lust, while holy places are centres of peace and virtue. I’m sure devdasis, altar boys and people in Ayodhya would agree.

It is incidents like these that inspire a slew of “I’m ashamed to be an Indian” reactions. (Not that national pride is a great benchmark to begin with. Saying you’re proud of being Indian is like saying you’re proud of being 70% water. You had nothing to do with it.)

Having said that, many things – Guwahati, Bombay, Gurgaon, religion, the caste system, dowry, Andheri – do make you want to move to someplace more sane, like Saudi Arabia. And according to a recent survey of the G20 nations, India is actually the worst place to be a woman, ahead of Saudi Arabia and Pinki Pramanik’s room. It takes real talent to fall behind Saudi, a country where a woman could get whipped for showing too much eyelash. Then again, in India you could apparently get raped for not dressing in a bed sheet.

Another example of idiocy was seen in Uttar Pradesh, wherein a Panchayat outlawed love marriages, cellphones and common sense. It also banned women under 40 from going out unescorted, thus teaching perverts a lesson by forcing them to harass only old women. I think the only way for women to be safe is to not be born here. See, the Haryanvis were right all along.

It’s the kind of week that makes you wonder what would happen if we just relinquished governance to women. All of it. Everything, just run by women. Sure, I anticipate a sudden glut of inventions such as handbags that can hold smaller handbags, and there would be ambulances on hold to deal with bad hair days” and creams would promise to get rid of all Daddy issues in “just seven days!”, but all that aside, it might just work. Women can work wonders if we just let them be. Just look at Sherlyn Chopra.

(Note: This is my HT column dated 15th July 2012. Cross-posted from here.)

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28 responses to “The Week India Went Full Retard. Again.

  1. “Then again, in India you could apparently get raped for not dressing in a bed sheet.” – ROFL

  2. How easily you criticize the society. While your anger on the culprits is justified, the rest of it isn’t. But anyways, You have written your weekly column for HT and you’ll get your cheque, your concern ends there.

    • Oh gee, I guess we shouldn’t be too harsh or critical of a society that can’t even protect its citizens. Were you offended by this piece? Did it leave a bad after-taste in your mouth after your nice cup of chai this morning? If this hits closer to your home, I’d like to see how critical or angry you get. Moron!

      • oh shut up
        the evils in the society you are talking, you’ve done nothing to counter them. So please, before pontificating me, look down your conceited self, harsh ridiculing of anyone is not going to get you anything.

  3. “t reeks of helplessness, and of a young woman whose images were seared into national consciousness, destroying the notion of Indian propriety that we’d been cuddling with all these years.

    But enough about Sherlyn Chopra.” rofl. that one killed me .oh gawd its just too damn funny.

  4. I feel almost saddened to see you trying hard to bring out some humour while talking of this issue. The incident is sickening, and worse is the way media is milking it – but then, nothing that hasn’t happened before.

    • So I’m not allowed to express an opinion on the state of affairs of the world I live in? Or is it that my opinion is supposed to have the same tone as yours, or anyone else’s?

  5. Sarcasm at Best !!

  6. Rated it excellent.. coz there is a pathos behind that humor. Yep, it enrages me when i read the police telling us women to be well dressed so we dont provoke rather than telling the men to keep it zipped, i hate it when a guy can go to the bar but a woman cant since there could be gang of boys who have low self esteem or mother issues or whatever other issues growing that will be assuaged only when they rape a woman with brute strength. It pisses me off that there aren’t enuff laws to screw these assholes and ensure they rot in prison for a long time…it amazes at the hypocrisy of our so called men… watch porn, watch another woman walk, lust after her and rape her mentally and sometimes physically too… but their daughter or wife or sister should not be looked at badly.. then they will come out with their daggers to kill… what kind of a unsafe society do we live in!!!

  7. probably in being too sarcastic you forgot that disrespecting others you are going in the same league as that of the guys who molested that girl … it doesn’t make you cool to make fun of someone’s mother…let alone talk in the way that you have written about the collector’s mother… you are contradicting yourself by saying “Respect a women but its fine if in the process you disrespect someone’s mother” ….get a life and learn some respect if you can …

  8. all those awareness and sarcasms come up only when something dirty happens ..but no body wants to talk about a solution or a change which is more important..n for those committing all this,for them its just another commercial break..cos no matter what..the show will go on!

  9. I kind of believed human beings would ‘peak’ in terms of evolution, being civil, becoming intelligent and all that; then there would be a slide-down before we are off this planet for good.
    The only surprise is, I never expected this to happen in my lifetime. Look around and we see it happening already. The movie ‘Idiocracy’ is a sign of things to come. :)

  10. Very Sharp. Brilliantly expressed. And yeah, it does feel like the only way to stay safe here is to not stay here at all. Sad.

  11. Simply brilliant young lad!

  12. Awesomely written boss. But the comments are as I thought they would be:
    1. People outraging against you outraging
    2. “Nothing is going to change” signs of helplessness
    3. Angry trolls are angry because you denigrate “Indian Culture”
    4. Thank whichever God that atleast some people got your sarcasm.

    And of course, most people in this country really, really want women to sit at home clad in Burqas like the good old days.

    Best line: “Then again, in India you could apparently get raped for not dressing in a bed sheet.” True.

  13. Who is Sherlyn Chopra?

  14. awesome piece. I agree. Not tha me agreeing wud again change anything…

  15. IMO: India is already run by women to a great extent; from Sonia Gandhi to Sheila Dixit to Mamta, Jayalalita and until recently Mayavati..you must have read Mamta banerjee’s comments in case of Kolkatta assault. So women ruling India has only proven dangerous!
    Secondly, the biggest problem we face is people who ridicule at a situation as if it was outside their body or home. This is a cancer killing us and we can choose to live in delusion of immunity and do nothing or Ben mock at those who do anything. Or we an act as individuals, as societies, as families ans as a nation!

  16. Great post yet again. There seems to be something wrong with some feminists being too harsh on women and thereby declaring Poonam Pandey a rebel, Sherlyn Chopra an outcast and Sushma Swaraj a style icon. Sigh.

  17. Saying you’re proud of being Indian is like saying you’re proud of being 70% water. You had nothing to do with it.
    that made me laugh and also think!
    in-spite of the humour, the sarcasm is fairly effective. this column does seem like a rant – but hey i was warned- it has no solutions!

  18. I like your sarcasm. But sadly, the majority of the population doesn’t understand sarcasm.

  19. disgruntled man

    For someone who writes effortlessly about ‘mis’concieved notions about whores, sluts, bar dancers and women in general, you have a terrible view about female political governance-sarcasm or no sarcasm. the cosmetics crack sets women back terribly. for the last time NOT ALL WOMEN LOVE HANDBAGS AND CREAM JUST LIKE NOT ALL MEN LOVE SHAGGING. Anyway, good governance has nothing to do with gender, YOU should know that.

  20. Why is this not a brilliant funny new method employed to apologize for being Indian?
    I am not well read regarding columnists of other countries, but do they too trash their own country everytime something horrendous happens?

  21. A quick response to everyone who thinks I shouldn’t be too harsh or sarcastic about rapists and rape-apologists – ok, wait, when I put it like that, I really don’t need to say anything more, do I? I mean if you haven’t understood it so far, then nothing I say will change your mind about this, right?

    Have a good day extracting your head from where the sun don’t shine. Cheerio!

  22. “thus teaching perverts a lesson by forcing them to harass only old women”.. I died laughing.. :D

  23. So that is d best that can happen when power goes to women? Nothing more?

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