And the Award For The Most Surreal Experience Goes To…

The past few weeks have been pretty ordinary for me. You know how it is. Sometimes you hit that humdrum phase in life, when all you do is wake up, go to work and hang out with Shah Rukh Khan at Mannat.

Alright, I’m kidding. I meant Shah Rukh Khan and Ranbir Kapoor.

This happened because I was part of the writing team that scripted a recent Bollywood award function, hosted by the two stars. I must refer to these as the Slimfare Awards, because we in the media hate to acknowledge the existence of rival companies, unless we beat them in sales.

Anyway, I was pretty kicked about this, because as an ardent Bollywood fan, I’ve always wanted to have a bunch of stars gather under one roof so that I can make fun of them. My other Bollywood ambitions include something with Katrina and a bubble bath, but let’s not go there.

The brief was pretty straightforward: be witty, crack jokes at stars, but without offending anyone – not an easy task in an industry where most egos are as fragile as Pakistani democracy.

Bad things happen when celebrities get offended. For example, the last person to get offended at an award show was Ashutosh Gowariker (this also took him about six hours) who famously asked host Sajid Khan to shut up. This offended Sajid Khan so much that in order to prove his awesomeness, he went and scored himself a Jacqueline Fernandez. We can all agree that this was one of the lowest points in human history and must never be allowed to happen again.

Another problem was that with 562392 film awards happening at the same time, we had to make sure our script stood out. On the plus side, we made Ra.One jokes in front of SRK, which he took very sportingly, probably because we are not Farah Khan’s obnoxious wife.

As a writer and fan, it was great to be working with SRK. Sure, we sat through marathon meetings wherein he and Ranbir dissected every word of the script, made us rework it, and then rework it some more, and then again, and again, until 15 minutes before the show. (I have a feeling that less work went into the Constitution of India. This explains the appalling lack of anatomy-related puns.)

But the best part came after the meetings, around 1 a.m. or so, when SRK called for drinks. So there we were, a bunch of nobody writers, sitting by the Mannat pool, getting drunk while Shah Rukh regaled us with some of the funniest Bollywood anecdotes ever. It is at times like these that you pause and look back at everything in your life that has led to this moment, trying to remember if you did any hallucinogens recently, because that can be the only explanation for the fact that it is now 5 a.m and the biggest superstar on the planet is giving you a guided tour of his mansion.

And then came the day of the awards. We were squeezed into a little space backstage, watching SRK and Ranbir own the room with their charisma. The laughs were coming thick and fast and that’s when it happened.

Time stood still. Rainbows appeared out of nowhere, while flying unicorns sailed across the room, farting out bursts of summer-scented sunshine, all of which paled in comparison to the ethereal aura that had gently swept across the room.

Madhuri Dixit was on stage.

As you can tell, I’m gay for Madhuri. I don’t usually get star-struck, but when she did an impromptu dhak-dhak bit ten feet away, I was *this* close to rushing on stage and asking her to marry me. I didn’t, only because Dr. Nene seems like a nice man and I don’t want him to be alone.

Later that night, Ranbir won the Best Actor award, which was presented by Rekha, who then won an award for Most Awards Presented By Anybody. Rekha is proof that with the right kind of love and affection, zombies can be a part of regular society too.

We worked hard on the awards, so do check out the telecast on 19th Feb. We hope you like it. If not, you can mail in your suggestions to Mannat, Bandstand, Bandra.

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44 responses to “And the Award For The Most Surreal Experience Goes To…

  1. I would die to be in your place.
    No, seriously.
    YOU FUCKING GOT TO MEET SHAHRUKH. The Shahrukh Khan. I’m probably just the CRAZIEST fan of Shahrukh. EVER. And you had drinks with him?! In my world, you just got promoted to ‘super cool’ status. With your being-funny thing going on, you were already pretty cool.
    (also, nice read. tres drole.)

    • Thanks Prerna. As far as assignments go, it was a pretty fun one :)

      • “..pretty fun one” – understatement of the year! I cannot stress enough the fact that i consider shahrukh to be a .. demigod, if you will.
        I’m also one of your several followers on twitter, and i’m regularly regaled by your tweets. So i’m pretty sure this year’s filmfare will be a class apart! :D
        PS: Since you’re already quite ‘close’ to srk, do put in a word for me and let him know about his craziest fan? ;)

  2. I simply love the way you write. I hav also seen you perform live at one of the FostersLoL evenings at Out of the Blue, powai. You are fabulous :-)
    Also its so great that you got an opportunity to work alongside SRK and RK. Must have been a great time for you !!
    Cheers. Keep it Up !!

  3. Baaah did not expect you to do PR-giri for a silly event. Though you did it much better than Gul Panag hard-selling tata sky on her tv interviews.

  4. Awesome dude! Your post is evident of the awesome work you’ve done with the script. Will definitely watch the awards, and cheers to you for that special night at Mannat. May more unicorns come in your life! :)

  5. Does SRK cherryblossom his shoes? You must know by now. F@#king bootlicker, MILFer (for Mads), and, and, and…….O’ my goodness, to what lows you can fall for your highs! Next time, take me with you to Mannat, so that I can show you how to uphold your dignity almost everywhere.

    • Oh, this is brilliant. Simply brilliant. You’ve used so many words, only to showcase the extent of your petty little thought process. Where do I even begin with this? Let’s see now…

      I like how you call me a ‘F@#king bootlicker’, especially when all your tweets (the ones that your delusional mind is convinced are funny) are tagged with my handles, as well as the handles of other comics on Twitter, in what seems to be a desperate ploy for attention. At least thrice a day. Every day. So, what do my sneakers taste like?

      You’re offering to teach me how to uphold one’s dignity? That’s kind of you. It’s like Sharad Pawar offering to teach me the virtues of honesty, or Jenna Jameson lecturing me on chastity, or a dog trying to teach me the value of not sticking his nose in another dog’s butt. I could go on, but I have a feeling you have already misinterpreted my response and are busy formulating a response, possibly even more ignorant than your previous one. I shall leave you to it.

      This has been most entertaining. Thank you.

    • Oh holy MP plz let us imperfect beings be…

  6. Dude, you just compared Madhuri Dixit to Unicorn’s fart!!

  7. Love how Salman and Aamir fans are the only ones insulting the writer. Wow. This is just so much fun.

  8. Madhuri dixit… Im gay for her too… Nice post. Not a fan of shahrukh but would have been fun to hear the anecdotes… No? Could you share some?

  9. Best wishes…good write – up…relatable too…interesting thing in this write – up was “Most ego’s are as fragile as Pakistani democracy.”

  10. stop bragging.. bitch

  11. I am sure it must have been fun working with SRK n RK…N yes Madhuri is someone anybody would be gay for…Will definately watch it… all da best !!

  12. Well, this is disappointing. You’ve become what you used to make fun of – wannabes who run around Bollywood celebs for their 15 seconds of limelight. I’m sure this is your big career move, but it’s sad to see you switching sides on the first opportunity you could find.

    I remember Gautam Hegde who used to write for JAM a long time ago – he used to absolutely abhor the trend that Ekta Kapoor and the likes were bringing to Indian TV and wrote hilarious parodies during his time at JAM. Now he produces the same TV shows that he hated back then. Well, anything to pay the bills I guess.

    It won’t matter much to you that you lost a long-time reader today – someone who has followed you from your JAM days – but that’s how it goes. You made a name out of criticizing and mocking a group till you became a part of it and you’ve swept your past under the rug. Good luck with your career and your new fan base.

  13. Massive Upliftment of Social Status Awarded. From hereon, you shall be known by the favorite screen name of Sanjay Dutt – MUSSA. (It’s Musa, but who’d mind an extra S).

    If you ever see Madhuri again, please tell her that whoever says anything against her, gets dropped right in the center of that Bandra Worli Sea Link so that they cannot get a cab or an auto or a horse to get to either side of the sea link. Such is my LOUUU for her. :-)

    Great post. Looking forward to the show now!

  14. Lol to the “farah khan’s wife” bit. not much of a starstruck kid, but as far as new experiences go, I am sure this one must have been right up there. so congrats and I can’t stress this enough, LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE…

  15. This is my first time reading your blog ;) i’ll make sure to catch it on TV as it is scripted by one of the funny,humorous man & it performed by King Of Humor SRK. Seems 100% entertainment,fun guarenteed.

  16. I love your writing man. It is always entertaining to read something witty. Please do continue writing more funny stuff. As ominous statements go, The world needs more of you and less of Sharad Pawar.
    Cheers,
    Anupam.

    P.S.: By the way, it is always fun to read your reactions to silly comments too. I know i should probably not be, but here’s wishing for more idiots to try and one-up you with their stupidity.

  17. Neat. Say, did you get a refund for Devdas? :)

    Courtesy: My Name is Shakya, and I love SRK!

  18. i usually read these by Google Reader, but boy am i glad i came to the site for this one! The comments are howlarious.

    Interesting to see how associating with mainstream bollywood makes you a sellout. Now all your tweets will be pro-SRK and you will be #SRKChamcha. “Uska mut pee ke aaya hai tu mannat me! #Salman4Evah”

    Keep the funny ON, Shaykya man.

  19. Hmm.. fun post. It sounds like a great experience but yes, you went soft on SRK :)
    Still, awesome stuff. Is he as engaging as he seems in interviews? Not a fan, just asking for a friend. Honest.

  20. I hate you for hanging out with SRK.
    That too AT HIS HOUSE.
    DRINKING HIS DAARU!

    Saala.

    No seriously, you is hilarious! And keep doing what you do k! :)

  21. I am glad that you got to meet the real SRK. Having met him, I know how smart and intelligent he actually is! Probably is the smartest guy in Bollywood.

    Don’t agree with the claim that praising SRK makes you a sell-out. People have too much of hatred inside themselves to see someone having a good, joyous life! Way too much jealous and pettiness is around it seems.

    Also, fuck you, for getting that guided tour of Mannat. Agle janam mohe Stand-up comedian hi banaiyo.

  22. This is an excellent and funny write up. How come I never heard of you before. Came here because Shreya Ghosal linked to you on Twitter. I’ll make sure to follow your blog from now on!

  23. The post made good reading, but the comments are rib ticklers – see, your “fans” are as funny as you’d want them to be :)

  24. Great read dude!

    Thank you

  25. Personally not a die-hard fan of mainstream Bollywood or it’s most popular actors but it sure seems like fun to rub shoulders with such people!

  26. Mate, this is the first time I’m across your blog and this was definitely a fun read. It baffles me that award shows today are more of a stand up comedy (which is great) coz the value of getting your hands on one of these awards means no significance to atleast most of the actors. Take for instance 20 years back all we had was just FILMFARE which used to be telecast on Doordarshan and we used to be glued on to that TV set with such amount of interest on the awards, whilst neglecting the host of the event. It’s a different story altogether about the MC though who used to be a big blunder in his/her English.

    What’s even worth observing is the entertainment factor on award shows today are extremely funny (though i prefer just the FILFARE act), but it makes me hard to digest about the awards being rigged. It’s ridiculous that if an actor performs that night, you can rest be assured that the he/she is definitely getting the best actor award. I guess maybe that’s the truth, which is why most of em stay from such award nights.

    Seeing the number of awards hosted these years, i wonder if we’ll have awards for even “best policewala” or “best item dancer” in the coming years. You never know, the organizers want to please everybody on that front row.

  27. congrats dude, kya baat hai!

  28. Im not sure what is it that make people hate anything that makes other people popular ……it makes me feel that such people breed on other people failed state of life…..

    I enjoyed when Ashish made fun of Bollywood….and nw probably he will make being inside the same industry ……as long as he continues to be funny we read , when stops being funny…you can send him a few quips….

    Such experience ( the one starting a zombie , oh sorry being in Mannat ) come rare and after a lot of hardwork , and he decied to share that awesome experience …

    as for SRK , sure the guys has shit load of money but guess what ….it seems thats why haters want to hate him……but as person SRK works like crazy ( sleeps for 4 hrs), is brutally honest in interviews and his views on money , doesnt go ass licking politicians just to be a in a lobby , he took ok Bal Thackeray in the IPL row….., is great family man .

    If it had to be one thing, i would say , it has to be his false flattery and buttering up of the fellow co stars that irritates me…..but still doesnt make me hate him…rather from from it. ( no gay love either :p )

    Oh sorry this was about Ashish ……forgot….Great Job man.

  29. You’ve got to be kidding. You didn’t help write that script. I’ve read your other posts, I thought you had class. Tell me you weren’t on it!

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